help with violent brother - mental illness

[jizzle]

Hi I have a 26-year-old brother who has never moved out of home and who can be very controlling and violent. I have been sure for a couple of years that he has a mental illness - he's too scared to get a job, he rarely leaves the house, he doesn't shower or brush his hair, he is obsessive about electronic equipment and other things, plus the violent behaviour. Nothing he does is rational and its like he doesn't have control sometimes. However he has never been diagnosed, and my parents and the rest of my family just ignore his behaviour and basically let him do whatever he wants, except when it gets really bad, but afterwards they still pretend like it didn't happen. His violent behaviour, especially to me and my sister, can be quite serious. Sometimes after he is violent he goes silent and other times he pretends like nothing happened, but he thinks it's okay to do it. It's scary to be around him, because you don't know what he will do. I have been trying to convince my parents to get him diagnosed for a really long time, but they still think pretending everything is normal and okay. I was wondering if anybody has ever had this type of situation and how they dealt with it. I don't really know where to begin to get help, because no-one outside my family knows about it. Thankyou to anybody who can help!

[RATTER15]

I am so sorry you find yourself in this dreadful situation, you all need help very soon, this is a good place to start. I wont give you advice but someone will very soon I promise. Sound like a job for Ethel or dot.

All the luck in the world and hope it all works out very quickly.

[samhubb]

my family have a very similar situation with my brother, apart from the violence.

It took 5 years for the doctors to eventually diagnose him, with a form on MS.
I told my mum that she has to keep on at the doctors and calling to chase up appointments etc.

I feel for you very much as situations like this effect the family as much as the person.

I dont relaly know what else to say to you apart from there are other families in your situation too.

once you get a a diagnoses this will help as there are numerous support groups you can join.

wishing you all the best jizzle.

[Champagne]

I know a guy who was mentally ill and also prone to violence and nothing much was done about it until he stabbed his sister 13 times. She survived thankfully, and he locked away for a while until he received the necessary therapy. He's out and about now and is generally fine. His sister and rest of the family stood by him and helped him through it all. It was just such a shame it took for that to happen.

[PinkFizz]

I have never been in your situation but all I can suggest is possibly going to your doctor for a chat and explaining how bad things are.They must surely have some good advice for you.

[China Doll]

So sorry to hear this. Perhaps you and your sister could put up a united front and say that if help is not obtained for your brother you will both leave home. You don't say how old you are but there are ways of doing this if you're still in teens.

You could go and visit your GP and make them aware of the situation. If your brother has been violent and you are as scared as you say, you might want to consider reporting him to the police and seeing if you can get an injunction taken out against him, thus he wouldn't be able to live in the same house but I'm afraid I don't know the legal in's and outs of this and if it's even possible.

I really hope you find some useful advice here. Good luck xx

[wilsarnie]

Champagne!! What a story to tell poor jizzle!

Have you considered that he may be on the Autism Spectrum? He is presenting behaviours that could possibly be associated with Asperger's Syndrome. The obsessiveness, the difficulty around communicating and other signs.

In no way does this excuse the violence but may help to come to some sort of understanding.

Google Asperger's and see what you find. The very very best of luck to you. x

[natalie_1982]

Cotact your local mental health team, they should be able to point you in the right direction. There should also be local support groups around who can help, also contact Social and Health Care / Social Services at your local authority.

Often, authorities cannot do anything until the person becomes a danger to themselves or to someone else, and I think this would qualify.

Go see your GP, I have seen this because I work with mental health authorities and also on a personal level with mine and my hubby's family.

On a personal level, when things got bad for me I found the Samaritans to be really helpful. Most importantly, brother or not, if you are in danger then call 999.

I wish you all the luck in the world, I'm sure with recognition and treatment your brother and the rest of your family will be able to live a "normal" life, not in far of someone who has no real intention of scaring them.

Best of luck sweetie x x x

[Champagne]

Sorry if my story shocked, but it's true. I wouldn't have written it had jizzle not mentioned the violence and the fact that he/she is scared. jizzle, it's terrible to live in fear and the sooner he is diagnosed the better. At the very least to put the rest of your minds at rest and know that you are safe around him or that something can be done to calm him.

[Octavius]

Jizzle you don't say how old you are, but regardless of this there are laws to protect you. I presume that you may not be able to leave the home for some reason or other, you need not say.

I think that you need to discuss this again with your parents and emphasise that this is not acceptable behaviour for you or any of your family. If you feel you are not getting anywhere with your parents then perhaps consider confiding in a close relative or family friend. If you are a minor then there may be an older relative that you can confide in and will listen and help you act. Failing this, you will need to contact a professional, whether it be your doctor, someone in social services or the police.

If you are online, there is link below which defines the things that constitute abuse and from your post you may be a victim of varying kinds. Either way, the law is there to protect you and you will not be alone. You should not be victim to a family secret, you deserve protection.

At the bottom of this web page there is a link to useful links and contacts which may be of great use to you now or in the future. Best of luck.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/onelife/personal/f amilies/a.shtml

[Lonnie]

Hi jizzle, you've got some good advice below, but in addition, you can contact you local Social Services, they have experts in most fields, and they can not only give you advice, but support also. Good luck.

[dot.hawkes]

Hi jizzle, this is just to show you that you are never alone with things like this:
http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Body-and-Soul/Q uestion280207.html

[Amara]

Hi Jizzle - I have a son who was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome 7 years ago. He was obsessive and violent and had great difficulty in communicating. If left undiagnosed or untreated, it can become worse until you are left with what you describe. I have a somewhat different view of what is really going on with people like this, but that is another story. You should research this condition and see if you think this is what your brother displays, then try to get some professional involvement, you can then start to get him and all of you the help that you need, because you will need help in dealing with this. I have spent a long time trying to help my son, it has taken years of working with him on a different level, dealing with him very differently and teaching him strategies for coping in this world - which is so hard for him to understand, but it has paid off. He is no longer violent and he communicates better, the violence has been replaced by love and peace. So there is hope for your brother. But you must get some help as soon as possible. Love and light Amara xx

[doraexplorer]

Hiya jizzle, it sounds as though you brother is really affecting your family and he needs help for his sake and for yours. Have you ever considered that he could be suffering from schizophrenia? It can go undiagnosed for years and it would explain his violent outbursts - your parents need to stop burying their heads in the sand before something more serious happens. Good luck

[suzanne84]

hi i agree with wilsarnie. it does sound like aspergers syndrom. my brother also has it. its best to get him checked out now before he gets worse. you shouldnt have to live in fear of him. if you need some1 to talk 2 about it let me know. take care.

[jizzle]

Hi thanks for everyone's suggestions. Suzanne84, how did you manage to get your brother diagnosed with asperger's? I can't think of any way to get him diagnosed where he'd go willingly.