moral dilemma please help

[Cheekystar]

I was asked by a cousin (who I hadn't seen / heard from for 10 years) to be bridesmaid at his weeding near xmas, he lives 100 miles away and at the time (Oct) I said yes but did explain that I have little free time for fittings etc and had a very busy schedule. Since then I've heard very little, few odd pictures etc, its been worrying me quite a bit and my work load has really increased,and time is ticking with little time to getthings sorted and so last night I came to the hard decision that it would work out better if I attended the wedding as a guest rather than as a bridesmaid. (no dresses, shoes, have yet to be organised/bought) I called my Aunty and explained (my cousin was out) she was ok about it and siad it would be no problem and she would tell him, and so I felt a huge weight has been lifted off me. Today I get a call from my cousin who wanted to know why (understandable) and also trying to overcome my resons and although I stuck to my decision I felt teribble; they are willing to be accomodating (bringing the dress to me to try on etc) and whislt I appreciate that, I still feel it would be better for me to go as a guest (in some ways I'd be putting them out, causing a problem). They've now e-mailed me again asking for me to change my mind etc and I feel I have no other choice but to say yes I'll do it. I feel so sad about it and pressured, i have no other choice. If I was close to him, and lived nearer then it'd be different, I feel my reasons are valid. I just don't know what to do. Help!

[marley2000]

putting aside the reason that you are too busy would you actually want to be his bridesmaid? because despite what you have told him he still seems to depserately want you to be one of the bridesmaid and if he is willing to put himself out and make it easier for you he obviously means it. you mustn't do it simply to make him happy if it makes you miserable (i do it too!) but it is his special day and if he makes it easier by coming to you do you think you could do it? is it just your work load or another reason?xxx

[smiffy65]

for goodness sake just tell him no

[marley2000]

it is important day though...

[cascarelli]

Why is the groom asking you to be a bridesmaid? Isnt that something the bride should do or choose? Or have I missed something?

If you havent seen him for 10 years youre hardly close. If youre not comfortable doing it then say no.

[PinkFizz]

I just don't get it.Why is he asking you to be his bridesmaid when you haven't seen each other for 10 years?? Do you even know the woman he is marrying? What does she say about all this??

[joko]

sounds like he has no-one else to ask and feels that he should have someone.
has he no other cousins or sisters?

perhaps the bride has no-one to ask, but wants a bridesmaid?
sounds like you are all they have.

why not suggest someone else? have you any neices or young sisters who would love the chance to be bridesmaids?

i would say to them that as long as they come to you and make all the arrangements - and pay - that you will do it - then its no big problem to you.
i know they have put you in a bit of a spot but its only a few dress fittings and a knees up.

you could always ask them to organise to get a dress from a shop near you, perhaps using the net to find pics of what she wants and then you can sort it in your own time, rather than have them coming up and down to you?

[jake-the-peg]

Is it in a church? - tell him that you're an athiest/questioning your faith whatever and that you wouldn't feel comfortable actually participating in a religous ceremony right now.

Ask him to understand that you don't want to discuss it with your wider family and to respect your feelings

[makemesmile]

Whilst being as tactful and kind as possible, I think you have to stick to your guns. There's no use doing it just to please them, not if your hearts not in it. You've not heard from him in 10 years, so I don't think you're being unreasonable. Buy them a nice gift and don't allow yourself to feel guilty.

[Cheekystar]

He asked me cause he wanted someone on his side as bridesmaid he's an only child, all my other cousins are older than me and so i'm deemed the only suitable one, as he said he has no one else ....and I'm female, in my 20's and so fit the bill. His bride to be has asked her sisters but they really wanted someone on his side too.
I don't want to offend anyone (My mum and his mum are sisters and although they live 160 miles apart are close, and my aunt has been a pillar of support to my mam)

[chicklin]

If I was you I'd probably grit my teeth and do it as he seems desperate for someone on his side of the family to be a bridesmaid. I wouldn't want to spoil his big day. But I'm a wuss when it comes to hurting people's feelings - so what do I know?