I am really, really upset about my son

[oldmegan]

My oldest son is 30. He lives abroad with his wife of 3 years. He has a brother 2 years younger who he won't speak to, we don't know why. They both had a great childhood (he says so too), but things went wrong when he came home from university. I thought he was on the edge of a nervous breakdown, he was absolute hell to live with. Apparently, he hated his years at uni, which makes me feel awful that he couldn't tell me or his dad. We wouldn't have judged him, just said go and do whatever job you want, but do it to the best of your ability. Things have been really tense between us since then. For example, he got married without even telling us. It broke my heart, but I was pleased he had married absolutely the right girl for him. We have been emailing back and forth, sometimes a bit techy with each other. Earlier this week his wife mailed for the first time ever saying that she wanted to help sort stuff out between us. For the first couple of mails it was OK. But now she has sent me this really hurtful message saying that I should look inside myself and think where I could have hurt him in the past. While he was really awful to us, we have still tried to look after him. We have sent him loads of money, shipped stuff from the UK to where he lives. Dealt with post and immigration things for him. I can't stop crying. He won't tell me what I have done in the past to hurt him and his wife has suggested that I should send an open apology to him. I feel like I am going mad. I am sorry to post such a long question, but can anyone tell me where to go from here? I love him, but I just feel like I am being judged for something I don't know that I have done. Any thoughts please?

[redhead23]

Old , this is a tricky one they seem to be attacking you as such for something you dont recall doing or saying , i think u should mabye write him a letter explaing you was hurt to receive emails off his wife , that you love him and that life is short and that you want to start afresh with him , you are not amind reader he is old enough to tell you what the problem is !!

Do not upset yourself too much i think he is partly to blame for his lack of communication with you

i wonder if he ever abused drugs whilst at uni ?

[PinkFizz]

I agree with redhead. I would write/email him and say you will willingly apologise if you know what it is that you are meant to have done that has hurt him so much. But you can't just say sorry when you do not know what it is for.

xx

[sense4all]

To be honest an open apology would be meaningless, and in the fulness of time this would not satisfy either party. He is 30, time for him to just come clean about percieved injustices. Some people just can not reconcile things that happened in the past - or their role in how these things came to pass ( We have one in either side of our family ... who will not accept that they share responsibility for transgresions by not speaking up at the time - but by being so toxic after the events, have just soured relations to the point of no return ) Tell them you are willing to try to resolve any issues BUT that you must understand exactly what the problem is to move forwards together. Good luck.

[heathersweat]

you poor thing, my god what to children want, maybe you way of showing love is giving money and support, they cannot except this, in there head it has to be cuddly kissy and the rest, i am not kissy cuddly and the rest, but that doesnt stop me trying to help, they are of a age they should be standing on there own 2 feet have they children?, i bet they wouldnt have this dilemma if they had, you are brilliant stuff them, also he has probably brainwashed her lol

[oldmegan]

Thank you, everyone. I have cried and cried the last few days, but now I agree with what you have all said. If he can't tell me what I have done, then apologising for anything (ie am I to blame for the Holocaust?!?), then it has no meaning. I am now beginning to feel angry, rather than hurt. Why can't he concentrate on the hundreds of positive things I have done, rather than the few that he thinks I haven't? I have struggled for 10 years, cried for 5, I think that is enough penitence for anyone. My husband says I should stop trying and I think he is right. We are happy together and our other son and his family think we are great. I will concentrate on the positive. Thanks again!

[WendyS]

This is a horrible situation for you but I think you should stop trying to take all the responsibility for this on your shoulders. Your son is a grown man of 30 and has to take responsibility for the way his life has turned out. It does rather sound as if your son has an enormous emotional chip on his shoulder and wants somebody else to take the blame for it. If he couldn't discuss what went wrong about ten years ago when he left university, he should have matured enough in the intervening years to have grown up and dealt with it. If he's not talking to his brother , it doesn't even sound to me as if you are necessarily the culprit. I suggest you write to him saying you love him and reminding him of the many things you have done for him as demonstration of that affection and support. But tell him that the alienation seems to have been of his own choosing and that unless he personally comes and talks to you about what caused it you're not in a position to understand where he is coming from.
Then leave the matter alone and leave the initiative to him to pick up. If he doesn't, all you can do is accept it and make the most of the good remaining relationship you have with your other son. Perhaps in time your oldest will mature enough to take the initiative and start healing the rift.