Dilemma - he thinks i fancy him. Advice please

[evedawn]

I've have been having friendly banter, (ok and a bit of a flirt but nothing too outrageous) with a guy i come into contact with (often) through work. We live in the same town and yesterday he asked me if we could meet up sometime for coffee.

I said "sure" but made it clear that he has a girlfriend and i have husband that it would be for a friendly chat - nothing else...

Now I've gotten a FULL ON (wont give the details) FLIRTY text message and it's worrying me.

He has got the wrong idea.

I now don't think it a good idea to meet for coffee but how do i tell him AND still manage to keep the professional relationship above board. Also I know that he suffers from anxiety / depression too and so i don' wanna hurt his feelings.

Ooeerrrrr... advice much appraeciated

[evedawn]

PS - i got the text about 4 hours ago - haven't replied...cos dunno what o say. I don't feel i should ignore the text indefinately as I feel its best to be upfront about things.

[weeal]

well, as you made it clear to him, he has over-stepped the mark

make it clearer now by text or you'll only have trouble later, and keep the texts in case you get accused of anything !

its better to keep your marriage intact than the professional relationship I think

[Myriad2112]

Go on, tell us what the message said?

[funnygirl]

Well, you're gonna make it clear that already have a hubby and things will not go any further. Let him down gently!!

Just explain you don't think your hubby would appreciate you getting texts like that!!

[Quoi]

Just show the message to your husband - I am sure he will have some advice to give you.

[lorri24601]

totally second what weeal says, put the misunderstanding right and keep the texts to prove it, no need to be nasty just firm and clear and suggest it may be better to take a rain check on the coffee (unless you still want to meet him of course).

[cruella]

You have to be totally honest with him and tell him he is nothing more than a friend.
With what you have said, he has taken full advantage of this situation.
I certainly would not trust any guy who did that to me after after agreeing to having an innocent coffee with him.
He obviously has not taken into account your feelings or your Husbands.
Tell him straight.
Looks like he is out for a bit of fun and could end up in tears.
Good Luck. xxxxxxxx

[weeal]

no wonder he suffers from anxiety - keeping messages like that from his girlfriend no doubt, he doesnt sound very nice does he

[evedawn]

Hmmm - thanks guys (and girls!)

Now just gotta work out how to phrase the text...

Do i reply tonight ?

- or do i wait till i see him? (which will no doubt be tomorrow cos we come into contact almost daily through work)


Oooeeeerrr - don't like this....:-(

Why do some men (and woman too i guess) mistake common friendliness (i am very outgoing) for something more...?

[evedawn]

Ps - i haven't shown it to my hub - he is away for 2 nights (sods law). He is not the jealous type but I don't think he'd feel happy if i told him over the phone and he was 4 hours drive away.

[weeal]

depends on whether you want to tell him to his face tomorrow (awkward) or text him now to get it over with and get a restful sleep tonight

as we dont know what he said, we cant know what to reply lol

[cruella]

I would not text him as he may just get a kick out of it.
Ignore the text and tell him tomorrow he was bang out of order. End of story.

[Myriad2112]

... or just sleep with him and don't tell anyone :)

[Davexevad]

Whoa....don't text him....text is a terrible medium to express anything of delicacy or sensitivity as it can often taken the wrong way due to the essential brevity and lack of inflexion in this medium. If you really care for his mental well being you need to speak to him, ideally face to face but by phone if need be to fully get over how you feel. You CAN be direct as he did overstep the mark.

[evedawn]

Think I'm gonna go for an amalgamation of all your advice...

gonna do the face to face thing in a casual but firm way, I will be nice about it (cos i think he honestly has misinterpreted things) . I will tell him (like funnygirl said) that really my husband would not be pleased and so I won't be able to meet up.

Daveys point about text not being able to convey things correctly is a good point....even hough (as Weeal pointed out) i'd sleep better tonight having it all over with.


Thanks cruella, quoi, weeal, lori, dav and funnygirl....

as for myriad...you're a dirty hound you are :-) (lol and x's)

[legend004]

" I've have been having friendly banter, (ok and a bit of a flirt but nothing too outrageous) "

Can you clarify what that means?
Im just wondering how things progressed.
In all honesty after flirting with someone , im sure a friendly chat seems a bit unlikely , well depending on the flirting i suppose.

[evedawn]

to clarify - "friendly banter" ie: how was your weekend, what did you get up to etc.

A "bit of a flirt but nothing too outrageous" ie: That shirt looks really good on you, your haircut looks good.

Nope - I'm pretty sure it wasn't anythingthat overtly overbearing.

I pretty much smile most of the time, (with just about everyone), and have been told I am a good listener and that I make people very special. (what i've been told by others not my words in case people think i have a big ego...) ...maybe (and i suspect this may be the case with this guy... ) some folk latch on to "feeling special" as "feeling they should be in a relationship" with the other person.

[legend004]

Just strange that hed ask you for coffee knowing youre married and he has a girlfriend if youve only said that.
I assumed it was more serious flirting to lead him to ask you to meet.
I assumed , wrongly it seems , that there was more to this flirting than comments on hair and clothing.

[legend004]

Just to add .
Id find it inappropriate if i was in a relationship , or married , to go for coffee with someone i knew thru work and id been flirting with.

Sorry it may sound a bit old fashioned .
But the outcome so far seems to suggest that it was a bad idea from the start.

What do you think , on reflection?

[evedawn]

You see - I undersood the invite out for coffee as nothing more than a chance to chat generally ...

i have been out before with male friends for a drink and a chat and that's all it is...a chat.

Obviously the guy picked up on the wrong signals. and retrospectively i now realise that i definately didn't pick up on signals he was giving me...

So it's a lesson learnt...


In the future I plan:

To be more aware of the way i portray myself to certain susceptible individuals...like I said he has emotional issues and so possibly "laps" up any attention.