help with teenage son needed!

[jefner]

Hi everyone,
Does anyone have any tips or advice regarding my 17 year old?
He left school in July 08 aged 16 with very few exam results. He is bright but not academic and hated every second of school. it was a real battle to get him there every day. He then went on two skill build courses arranged by our local careers office, both for 10 weeks, he got thrown off the last one for not bothering to go half the time. Both my husband and I work full time and so are out of the house all day. I have tried everything to help him look for work - I know that it is not the best time to be looking for a job but he is making no effort at all. He lies in bed all day, and then goes out till late at night. He is constantly asking us for money to go out with his mates, which I won't give him. My husband and I have taken days off work to go the job centre with him and help him write a cv and have offered to take him round various shops etc to see whats out there but he just wont get out of bed to do anything, he then gets really angry and shouts at us. We have taken away his sky tv and his laptop and this has made no difference. Even if he couldnt find work, just the fact that he had made some sort of effort would be better than this.has anyone else had a similar experience that they came out of still feeling sane??! Apologies for the long post but I am feeling a little desperate and just don't know how to help him. He was always, and still is in some ways,a really nice kid, polite and kind and wouldnt hurt a fly. Everyone always comments on how decent he is, even his teachers said how charming he could be, if he bothered to turn up to school! I just can't get him motivated to do anything at all. Any advice would be gratefully received or just to know that someone else out there is going through the same thing would help. thank you x

[jackthehat]

My word, that sounds familiar !!

1. This is nothing you nor your husband have done........honestly.
2. Somewhere (buried a little deeply) inside this stranger in your house, is the decent, personable lad you know you brought up.

Deep breath.........

The Army..........
I know, I know.........as a Mum there are many reasons 'why not' but it has been the making of my son.
There are many trades within the Army that he can learn. It's not all about spending your time pointing a gun at people who are trying to kill you
My son is 22; he joined at 17 and a half and I really thought it would be beyond him. He hated school, got indifferent GCSE's results and has a stubborn streak in him that I find startling. He didn't like being told what to do (a bit like me, if I'm honest) and I thought he would leave before the end of his basic training........
He is now a Corporal and works with helicopters.

And.............best of all, I have my son back. Yes, he is a young man rather than a 'lad', but watching him turn into the man I always knew and hoped he would be...........has been its own reward.

Be kind to yourself (and your husband) the light at the end of the tunnel is not an on-coming train..........:o)

[jefner]

thank you so much for your kind post! I think deep down we know its not our fault but it takes someone outside of the family to make you see it! He has mentioned the Army funnily enough, although it was in the middle of a screaming match! I always thought I would be dead against it but if it would make him happy to be doing something worthwhile and to see how mnay trades it offers it is defintely worth looking into. thank you again.

[barking-mad]

Hi jef,

I've no experience as such to pass on, sadly. A couple of things did occur to me though while reading your post.

Firstly, is he depressed? Lack of motivation and long hours spent sleeping can be symptoms...

If that's not the case, have you asked him what he'd REALLY like to do? Perhaps the 2 college courses were uninspiring and the low paid, unskilled work he's looking for now might not galvanise him either. Is there anything he has ever shown a real interest in that he could do at college to gain a qualification? If money is a concern (when isn't it!?) then they can claim EMA if your household income is under �30K pa. It's a payment of between �10 - �30 pw to help with travel fares, stationery, etc.

I'm asking as, like your son, mine disliked the rigid subject based work at high school. He just scraped enough GCSE's together to study for a BTech course in Music Technology. Since then he's become enthusiastic and motivated and goes off to college happily. He's even now talking about going to university to gain a degree in the subject.

Truly, I wouldn't have believed it a couple of years ago! Maybe your son just needs to find 'his bag' as teenagers say!! Keep setting those boundaries and trying to encourage him. He's lucky to have such supportive parents and one day he'll thank you for supporting/nagging him!

[jefner]

thanks barking.. we are off work for the easter bank holiday (we are both the much maligned public sector workers whose offices are closed until wednesday!) so will try to use that time to sit down with him and try to talk like adults about what interests him and try to get him to give us ideas of what it is he would like to do.. hopefully we will get a more productive answer than "i dont know"! I will also look into maybe getting him to talk to a doctor as you could be right with the depression thing.. thanks for your insight - it all helps when you feel like you are drowning!

[k8bailey]

This sounds exactly like my brother,who left school at 14 (he's now 22) with no qualifications (the only persnon in my family not to have gone to uni!) although he's far from stupid. Unfortunately my mum handed over cash and set no boundaries, so my brother is now in trouble with the police!

Being in trouble has made him take a look at his life and he is now setting up his own business as a gardener! I think he just needed a shock and to find something he was interested in.

Anyway, my point is keep being strict, however tough it is. Although my brother is slowly becoming human again it is no thanks to my mum who practically encouraged his outrageous, illegal behaviour.
Your son will never have the motivation to earn money if he didn't need/want anything.

He, with your help needs to find something he's really interested in as barking said.

Has he considered an appretiship? (sp?) My partner is a carpenter. He wasn't vry academic but loved practical hands on work, he did a 3year carpentry apprentiship, half the time on work placement and the other half in college. You can do appretiships in allsorts of things these days and earn (a little bit) while you learn.

Good luck with it all!

[zzxxee]

mmmmmmmmmm difficult one this i no at the job centre they do work trials where you test different jobs out to see if you like them and as far as asking for money tough love is needed you have to say no he will soon learn if you want things you have to earn them.. I would also consider getting in touch with a careers advisor to talk to him xx

[jefner]

thanks to all for your supportive words - i am slowly starting to feel like less of a failure! to know that he is not the only one and that i am not the only one is a big help in itself and to know that eventually things may start to change is enough to keep me going for now.. fingers crossed!

[dot.hawkes]

it's a bad time for everyone work wise and so little hope of him getting any part time job and of course as yet he can't claim any state benefit i don't think. what does he do for money? he will soon get fed up of being broke, get him into selling on ebay (you will need to set up an account for him) and get him scouring the car boots for stuff to resell, he'll make money, learn to be good at admin and develop his IT skills

[jefner]

thanks Dot..its so great to have all these ideas to work with - i honestly didnt have a clue what i was doing or what to do next and now have loads to think about and its really helping! i have explained to him that i know what the work situation is like at the moment but that if he just made some sort of effort i would be just as happy. my mum is into car boot sales so that may be something she could get involved in with him and as he seems to prefer her to me at the moment thats a good idea! thank you x

[curiosity]

Hi, sorry to hear your powerless plight. I feel for you and your son. We have just had our daughter choosing a uni, cos thats what her friends are doing, and at 6th form with a deadline for uni applications she couldn't even decide which subject to do a degree in. When trying to help her work out what it was she wanted to do, we were accused of nagging etc etc. I know this sounds to you like well at least shes doing something, but it really was similar, they have no idea what they want to be, after all, they haven't really had to think about it before when they are generally happy go lucky kids. My son (16 nearly 17) enjoyed school, but not the academic stuff. He chose (out of the blue) to go to art college to do interactive media. He got in by taking his usb pen to the interview, with all the stuff, animations, designs, videos, pictures, he'd done in his spare time on myspace etc. He has nearly finished his 1st year, I've never seen him so focused, motivated and proud of himself, he was a kid who like your son is a lovely kid, and who people think are not trying hard enough or not ambitious enough, he was frequently told "come on, can do better" by teachers, and one even wrote on his report "I sometimes worry that education interferes with his wonderful enjoyment of life" We thought college was going to be a real bind for him, but because he's doing what he wants to it isnt.

[curiosity]

Sorry I went over ...and had to split it. But ... What I have done with them both, at some point is say forget now. How do you see yourself in the future, e.g. nice house, car, holidays, family etc, then said right well this is the wage bracket you are aiming for to achieve that lifestyle. What jobs are in that wage bracket that you fancy doing? Then that should be a guide to what course to do, when the lifestyle matches that of a vet or dentist and they realise they dropped science, it helps them to be a bit more realistic. Its so easy, and I've done it myself, to think all is going to be Ok, you'll get what you want in the end, because lets face it, they always have so far. But thats why he feels secure, and thats a good thing, hes genuinely lost with the next step. If you do think he's depressed, then ask him, if he starts going out with mates less, its possible, sleeping and motivation arn't a sure fire symptom on their own. Don't panic, but cannabis use also can affect motivation, which won't help. Good Luck.

[zzxxee]

tell you another thing that looks great on a c.v is if he did the duke of edingbouroas adward scheme award i cant spell edinburrah by the way lol

[crazycathy2]

Get him to help out with a local charity shop (they usually pay fares if this is necessary) at least it will show he has done something.

Will get him into habit of not lying in bet. Think Dot's idea of selling on ebay great.

[Banali]

Totally agree with curiosity. I had the same discussion with my step kids at various points in their lives when they were 'drifting' instead of making decisions about their future. This approach made them focus on more than just what interested them. It made them think about the whole lifestyle they wanted for themselves and understand that the higher they reached the better the rewards. For example, One of my my step daughters was interested in working with children so we discussed the various occupations from nursery assistant to child physcologist etc. and researched the roles, qualifications and likely salaries of each job that interested her. Believe me, all three step kids raised the bar of what they decided on as a career when these discussions revealed what sort of lifestyle they ccould look forward to!!

[smurfy666]

speaking as someone who has actually been in your sons position (well not as bad). He may really not know what to do, thoughout all of our education we are told that we can do anything and we have ages to decide. Then all of a sudden you have to decide NOW. Its a huge pressure making the decision for potentially the rest of your life. The education system in this country is so pressurized its no wonder why we get lots of young people regressing into their bedrooms.

good luck with your son

[stepper]

Sounds familiar to me too jefner. My son is now 40. He never did well at school. He wasn't thick but he just couldn't be bothered. He has lived to regret his lack of attention at school.

He has never been in trouble but he has had a variety of unskilled jobs, none of which paid a lot of money. He has always borrowed from me and seldom had the money to pay back. Recently he trained to be a bus driver and seems to like his job. The pay is not too bad and there is always the possibility of driving coaches abroad. He is happy with what he is doing so that's the main thing.

The army sounds a good suggestion but it isn't for everyone.

One thing my son considered when he was mulling over the lack of prospects in his life, was taking his HGV licence. Lorry driving is hard work but the pay is good. The course is quite expensive and not everyone passes. That option is still at the back of my son's mind even though he likes his present job. It would be an extra skill and the pay is quite a lot better.

Good luck with your son. Try to steer him into something productive which pays well. It's surprising how quickly time passes so it needs to be addressed fairly promptly.

[katiecarol]

kick him out! sounds like no respect at all. it'll wake him up if he's out my friend is going through the same. it'll hurt but in the end he needs a shock instead of sponging off the parents. if kicked out council will phone and ask if he can return if you say no they have a duty to find him somewhere, SAMEDAY!!!

[curiosity]

Well I'm glad you're not my mum Katiecarol.

[jefner]

thanks Curiosity - my thoughts exactly! not the most productive suggestion from katiecarol but everyone is entitled to their opinion. i know that to some people it might seem the best option but i just couldnt do that - things are looking up slightly from when i first posted,but as a mother i couldnt see my own child on the streets or living in some hostel.. it would break my heart! thank you to everyone who offered help, suggestions and support - i dont feel so alone now and you have all been great - thank you again! xx

[curiosity]

Here Here jefner, you sound like a wonderful mum and he'll work out one day that he needed any nagging! but most of all he'll appreciate you not giving up on him. Keep up the good work.