Whats making me so insecure?

[idontneedaparachute]

My boyfriend and I have been together since the beginning of July last year and I'm finding it so hard to trust him or let him be close. I had a pretty bad relationship before him, which lasted 2 years with a lot of cheating involved, me becoming pregnant, getting engaged and then finding out all the sh!t.

Prior to this, my sister was killed in a car accident which i was there for when i was 4, and my dad dying in 2002. I'm finding it hard to let my boyfriend "in" without always thinking the worst of him. Would this most likely be due to my ex, or things which happened in my childhood? Would it be i'm too frightened to let him get too close in case he left (like my sister and dad) or because i dont want to get hurt like my ex hurt me? i didn't love my ex, i just got too wrapped up in being what i thought was "love" and found it so exciting but it still hurt me when i found out what had been going on.

i always accuse my boyfriend of doing things, either on his phone or on facebook. We've recently come to Australia on our gap year before uni in sept and have had some huge arguments about me accusing him of doing things. Before we got together he had a bit of a reputation with girls and the amount of people he had slept with which i feel gives me more reason to not trust him as i think he still wants the lifestyle he had before. since we've been in australia, i've been out with him and just watched him stare at other girls which has killed my confidence and self-esteem. this also adds to me not trusting him, but am i being too sensitive? he says he hasn't done it since i brought it up, but i've watched him do it more times which hurts me. why did he feel the need to do it in the first place? i feel so unwanted and like he is trying to look for something better all the time.

what can i do to make me not so insecure? and to build up my confidence?

thank you for any help
x

[ummmm]

My BF has just got out of bed so he doesn't miss the soccertte on Soccer AM. He looks at women all the time and would even point them out to me.

He loves me...I love him. There is nothing wrong with looking (although he does look more in a jokey manner)

You can blame everything on your past but that's not going to help your future.

I don't know.

[society]

You have to love yourself before you can love another.

You have a lot of 'baggage' that needs sorting.

If you boyfriend didn't look at an attractive lady then something is wrong with him. Even old men look at pretty looking ladies. All men do this; just some have respect for their partner and don't make it so obvious.

[Androcles]

You haven't said one happy thing about this relationship with the boyfriend. It is all about lack of trust, what he does that you don't like. Sorry to be blunt, but why are you even going out with him if it is so miserable?

Sound to me like you need to take some time out, get to University, work hard, make some friends without ties and get your degree. Hopefully you will learn to back off a bit, not be so sensitive and finally meet somebody who makes you happy - if you are happy you won't be thinking this way.

Good luck!

[maplestar]

Hi idontneedaparachute. It seems like it's a combination of past experiences, not a specific event that has built up your insecurities. I agree that you need to love yourself before somebody else can love you, however you can't begin to love yourself if the person you are with makes you have a low self-esteem- irrelevant of him looking at other girls or not.

Take a step back and evaluate the size of your insecurities against the benefits of the relationship. Everybody is insecure - just some more than others and some people have a better way of dealing with their insecurities.

Good luck. x

[Nosha123]

just a speedy piece of advice as I have to go now..
You need to address the jealousy and trust issues you have or else you will drive him away....
If it is true love and the relationship is meant to be.. then he will not stray. If you nag and accuse.. then he could!
Try and build up your confidence.. try some sports or hobbies without him to keep you occupied. Try just for a period of time to really conciously trust him and not accuse him or snoop... you might be surprised at his response!

[idontneedaparachute]

Thank you all for your replies.

I'm trying really hard to try and trust him, i'm just hoping time will tell what happens. I couldn't imagine being without him, I hope thats enough to make us last :)
x