Decisions

[JAC25]

My boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me with his ex 6 weeks ago. He has a son with this girl and she has treated him so badly in the past. We had been arguing for the previous few months and one weekend had a huge row. We didn't see each other for a week and he cheated during this time. I only found out about his unfaithfulness 2 weeks ago and its killing me now.

He says he's head was messed up, we were arguing and he's friend was telling him to get back with the ex for the sake of his child and he was thinking how nice it would be for him to have his mummy and daddy together. He said he has no feelinsg for her now.

Prior to me finding out about the cheating he came back to me and told me that he was so sorry and had released it was me that he wanted. In all fairness he has been with me 24/7 since, we are getting on fantastically well and he is saving his money for us to get a house in a year or so.
Although I am pleased that he has released it is me he wants, my trust issues are sky high and my emotions are all over the place. He still has to speak to the ex on a regular basis because of the child and this is so hard to deal with. I try to talk to him and end up crying and he gets annoyed because he feels that he is having to reassure me of his love over and over again. How can I get over this and how can we move on?

He wants to get married in the future but I feel ready now although I know after everything that has happened it is not sensible right now. Moving on is easier said than done. I love him so much and can't imagine life without him! He said he doesn't want to lose me but thats hard to believe after the way he has disrespected me. Help me! :(

[Booldawg]

sounds like he had a blip rather than he's a serial cheater.

[ummmm]

You can manage life without him.

You don't want to leave him so you have to learn to forgive him. If you can't forgive him you're in for a very unhappy future.

[Bbbananas]

You do have to move on if you decide to stay with him, if that makes sense?! But it has only been 2 weeks since you found out - so you are bound to be still reeling from it all - give yourself time.

[Nay35]

If you love him set him free. Once a cheater always a cheater!!!

[ummmm]

Not true Nay....people cheat for a number of reasons. It's the ones that do it 'just because they can' that should be binned.

[usathome]

his 'blip' was during the time you two had split,
it was not cheating as such,
you say you love him and cant live with out him and that things have been fine.
you need to give yourself time,
dont rush into marriage,
take things slowly
only time will tell if you are able to trust him again.
good luck

[juandelacruz]

It's not disrespect, it's a natural reaction to a relationship going a bit sour. Both men and women can do this. Did he perhaps want to test his love for the ex, finding that it wasn't there any more and confirming that he wanted you, through good times and bad? I'd get a bit tired of your constant doubting of him - don't go on until he snaps and says something he didn't mean to. Reminds me of the great 1950s comedian-raconteur Al Read. The wife goes on endlessly at her mild-mannered, rather nervous husband until he's had enough; his voice changes to a deep note and a firm tone. "Ave yer done? "Ave yer? "Ave yer finished?" Good for a laugh but true to life.

[BeaverDiva]

i know its easy to sit here and say it - but time is the only thing that can help at the moment. 2 weeks isn't a long time to get your head around this information. I do think that he's a little unreasonable in "getting annoyed" and feeling he has to reassure you -of course this is what he should be doing. I can't imagine how hard it must be knowing that he still has to speak with this girl because of the child.

Don't rush into any rash decisions. I think you really need to sit down with him and tell him how your feeling - that you don't want to lose him, but tha you don't know how to forgive and forget this. I'm not sure I could to be honest, but we're all different and I hope that you reach a decision that makes you happy. BUt if you do chose to stick with him - you must be honest enough with yourself about it, and be sure you're ready to move on - otherwise this will haunt you for a long long time (and be brought up in future arguments etc).

One point i will also make is that, say you have another big bust up in the future and split for a week - are you going to assume he's being unfaithful? will you know he's not? These things are bound to come to your mind should this happen again - are you able to cope with that??
I wish you all the best x

[woofgang]

okay this is what I think and what I'd do. For me this would be a dealbreaker. He bonked his ex for the sake of his child? really? His head was messed up? sounds like what lives in his trousers wasn't.
You say you were arguing before he went off for the week? What about? Do you live together? are you saying he moved out for a week? He came back and said he's sorry but forgot to say "OH and while I was away, me and the ex......"
At very least he has laid you open to risk of infection.
"My trust issues are sky high" You don't have trust issues, the issues are HIS...he's got to do a whole lot more than reassure you of his love for this to go away.
So do you really really want this man back? really?
If you do, stop the crying, pull up your big girl knickers and lay down the law.
Me? I'd tell him to get out.

[JAC25]

Thank you for all of the messages guys - very helpful!

I'm pleased to report that things are looking up. I still struggle and think about things alot but I'm happier. I went away on a break for 6 days and during that time he texted me quite a bit and has been very affectionate and lovely since I have been back. He wants to book a holiday for us for next year so I guess thats a positive and he has also booked a night away next weekend.

I'm going to give it a try! I've warned him that if anything more happens thats the end and I think he releases that I mean it!

Just wanted to clarify that he kissed the girl. He didn't go any further. I am still distraight that this has all happened but I hope that it will make us stronger and that he has released what he was so close to losing. Any more messing about and I'm gone! Fingers crossed that things continue to improve.

Thanks for the support guys x

[MarkRae]

> Just wanted to clarify that he kissed the girl. He didn't go any further.

Seriously? All this over a kiss...?

[JAC25]

Yes - when you love someone with all of your heart and trust them not to hurt or disrespect you, it is a big deal!