need some advice please - how do I deal with this?

[yinyang]

Hi. Sorry to bum everybody out on such a beautiful day but I really need some advice and just some people to moan to.
here's the story. A couple of weeks ago my grandfather went into a hospice after really going downhill with his cancer in a few weeks and becoming to much for my gran to cope with ( they are both in their 80's). The next day my dad collapsed after being unwell for weeks and at the end of the week he was diagnosed with a tumour as well. Then there was a bit of a mix up with his files due to our unusual surname but on wednesday he finally saw the right person who told him that the disease was much more advanced than originally hoped and had spread . They are still going to give him treatment, starting next week, but it's going to take a miracle to save him.
The first couple of days after hearing this I seemed to be ok but yesterday and especially today I just feel like I'm falling apart. Can't bother my mum - obviously she has enough to contend with and my husband is being great but Has anyone else been through anything like this and how do you carry on with normal life, especially putting on a front for young kids. Just need some help, please.

[scotchollie]

Yinyang

First and foremost, you've had a rotten time and I sympathise with you.

Secondly, you need to recognise that you are suffereing a reaction to the awful news that you have received and doubtless that has been compounded by the mix up you refer to.

My suggestion is that you go and speak to a GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor - both for stress and grief. It's always good to have a neutral corner where you can vent, away from your kids and family.

As for putting on a front - don't do it too much. Kids are not daft and will pick up every nuance and subtlety.

Involve them in this, to a small extent. Be open and up front as far as you can be.

Explain that you will be upset and angry, but that it has nothing, repeat nothing to do wit them.

Make sure they get time with your grandfather and dad and make sure that you do too.

The best way to deal with this is to accept that it is happenng first. Then realise that you are going to react to it and that your reactions may take you off guard now and then.

Don't underestimate the power of miracles - but also be realistic. The key is to be aware and prepared.

And then, when you need to, let it go with your counsellor. And really let it all out.

I know that this is an anonymous site, an online family full of daft folk like myself, but you know... we all care about each other really - and I am sure that the others will join me in my thoughts for you and your family at this difficult time for you.

God Bless, x

[skyep]

Hi yinyang , sorry to hear about your circumstances, I haven't actually been in your position with family members, although we did have a friend who had cancer. Hopefully your husband is doing all he can to support you. We all deal with things differently, I am a very emotional person. You will have highs & lows, just be there for your mum & gran, just be you. Sometimes it helps to be united in your emotions, you can't hold everything in all the time. Maybe your mum is thinking the same as you & is trying to be brave for you, why not give each other a hug. Talk to her, it may be of comfort to be honest with each other. Take care xx

[society]

... yes accepting the situation is the hardest part. Once you come to terms with that, things will fall in place. Take care of yourself. My prayers and blessings are with you and your family.

xx

[yinyang]

Thanks you two.
The girls do know that their grandfather and great - grandfather are ill, scotchollie, and we have been going to the hospice and visiting dad but he gets very tired and the girls can be a bit much for him. They've only recently turned five and are picking up on things, sometimes I just have to apologise and explain that I'm just a bit upset when I get snappy with them.
One of the reasons I chose to post on here is because it's anonymous and none of you are emotionally involved and I needed the perpective of somebody a step removed so maybe a counsellor would be an idea.
Skyep, my mum isn't trying to be brave , she's pretty much fallen apart and my sister's the same so I feel that one of us has to try and hold things together. mum relies on me to be like this. Also with it being the easter holidays, the girls have been here all day, every day so I've just not had the time to go into total collapse. My husband is being great , he's making sure I get time to myself and just being there when I neede him even if I don't feel like talking.

Thank you for your support..

[yinyang]

Thank you too society, you posted as I was trying to put my last answer together.

[bigmamma]

You are going through this sad time and trying to remain strong for your family . You are bound to fall apart eventually and need to be given support as well as giving it. You and your mum will find strength in each other in different ways.It is difficult and my thoughts are with you.
As for advice, I am not able to give much exept to say I have been through similar times.
XXX

[Joe_the_Lion]

My wife dies after just 4 days of having a brain clot. Previously she was very healthy and in fact gave me a good run for my money on the running track!!!!

I was brought up a Methodist, and although a believer, never really bothered that much. When she died, I lost all faith in God, and was angry with the situation. My whole life was turned upside down. The injustice of the situation made me see no point in faith. The reasons for why either God, or indeed mere natural selection, baffled me especially as only three months before I had put 6 rounds in to a terrorist, including a head shot and the bast4rd survived!!!

Why did God make this piece of scum live and my beautiful wife, who gave her entire life to kindness die? The question still baffles me, but over time I have learnt the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. He had his reasons, and one day I will know why. My faith has been partially restored.

My point is, and I do not know your religious beliefs, is that you must have faith. Not necessarily Christian, but a belief in something good will happen.

The best thing that can happen is a total recovery. Have belief in scientific advancements, have faith in Doctors.

However, and this may seem strange, contardict your own faith and at the same time fear the worse. What is the worse? Naturally death. However, whilst combatting these negative feelings think of the good things that come from death. Death equals rebirth (and not just in the Jesus sense!!). Death equals a new beginning. Death equals a change in your own life, perhaps heathier living and a quest to devote part of your own life to something the deceased believed in.

Cont...

[Joe_the_Lion]

I really hope he does make a full recovery, and have faith he will. But be prepared for the worse. Of course you will grieve, miss him, but if you are prepared for this, the sad time will be easier to bear. Make both the best outcome and the worst outcome positive.

For every living thing there is an expiry. This is nature. And it is also nature that the strong will survive.

I hope this makes sense, I am not very good with words.

[redhead23]

yin , its natural for you to feel awful at this verybad time , when everything does seem to be going wrong , you have a good husband who im sure will listen to all your worries , and will support you

or some friends who you can unburden your troubles with , all the best for the future , and if you are religious i suggest you get a mass said for your family x all the best

[ne2]

yinyang, Im so sorry and I know what you're going through as will many other's here. Just try to take things 1 day at a time and do what I used to do,have a good old cry in the bath. It's natural to cry so please dont think you need to hide your feeling's from your kid's. I echo the word's of the other's here.. Dont try to be as strong as as oak,be like a blade of grass and "bend" with things. xxx

[cruella]

Hi yinyang
I am so sorry to read your post today.
I have been through a similar situation and I can only advis you to talk to your Gp about what is going on at the moment and maybe follow through with some Counselling. I am glad that your Husband is so supportive to you but you are suffering from a delayed reaction to all this awful news. Try not to be a pillar of strength for everyone. You have feelings too and there is only so much someone can take. Take some time out for yourself, and as other abers have suggested a good cry never hurt anyone. Talk about it as much as you can to friends or family.
I am sure they will be supportive.
At the end of the day, you have to think of your girls and your Husband and they will have an idea that something is not right.
Always trying to put a brave face on things is not the answer.
I do hope you get better news but just hang in there All the best.

[crete]

im very sorry to hear your sad news yin. i think sometimes its best to cope with one day at a time, you will find the strength from somewhere , am delighted to hear your husband is being supportive, just remembver children are much more resiliant than we ever give them credit for, life is going to be very difficult for you at the moment but be assured you will be ok. be well.

[Hellion]

yinyang I'm sorry you are having such a rotten time at the moment, in situations like this it often seems to fall to one family member to hold things together and it is important that person also gets support. You've had good advice here and I too would reiterate don't try and hold everything in - I find a drive in the car and a good scream or a good weep often do me the power of good - a good cry is important it's function is to release stress. Talk to the hospice as they often have a support network/counsellors for family members.
Big Hug X

[revpat55]

Like everyone else, I am so sorry you are going through such a bad time. Take my advice & call CRUSE - they will be in your local phone book or look on their website www.cruse.org.uk for your local branch. They offer advice & it's staffed by people who have been through bad times themselves.
The important thing to remember is that its ok to let your feelings out & you will find your kids, young though they may be, will be able to give you comfort if you explain things simply to them.
All the very best of look to you & yours

[yinyang]

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. It seems such a small thing but it really does help to know there are people thinking of you.
I'll just need to try and deal with things and emotions as they hit me. I do have good friends that will help me through this but again I need to get out of the mindset of not wanting to bother people with my problems.
i appreciate that we're not the only family to have gone through this and that is both comforting and very saddening.
Thank you again. Yinyang x