husband seems heading for some sort of crisis - what can i do to help?

[bednobs]

Hi everyone, i would like some advice please. As people may or may not know me and my husbands lives have been turned upside down over the last year with the loss of two children. It is just coming up to six months since our son died at one day old, and we don't now have any other children. After both their deaths, he went back to work after 2 weeks and seemed to get back into "normal life" a lot quicker than me (i am still off six months later, although going back to work next week) there seems to be a bit of light at the end of the tunnel for me because my grief dosen't seem so extreme any more and my periods of being very upset are shorter and further apart now than before. After our daughter died last year, i also had 5 months off work and a course of counselling that helped me a lot through my work. i joined an online forum for people in the same position and it's a big source of comfort to me too.

He dosen't talk about things much (although to be fair neither do i all that much in my real life). I haven't seen him cry for a while (couple of months at least) and i had hoped that things might be easing a bit for him to. however i have noticed recently that he is so snappy, not just with me but with other people, Someone parked in the layby outside our house on saturday and he went out and shouted at them, came in and said "i have no idea why i did that" He says his body just feels constantly under stress, like he has constant adrenaline going that makes him want to lash out. When he was out walking the dogs last night he almost came to blows with another dog walker over something really small. I try to make sure he has no stress at home by always making dinner ready, clearing up, making sure his clothes are ready for work etc, but i know he has a big report coming up at work, plus he is doing a distance learning masters degree and is in the middle of a module both of which are causing him worry.
I give him every opportunity to talk to me, and talk to him too, i have asked him to delay the modules for a while but he wont, have asked him what's the worst that can happen if his report isn't completed on time but don't get much reply. I have asked him to see the GP and explain how he feels but he wont. We are also in the middle of trying to sell our house and move (at his instigation).
I am seeing loads of warning signs nthat things are becoming a little too much for him, but just don't know what else to do to help. It's not really helped by the fact that returning to work this month is stressing me out a little too.
Any ideas?

[The Builder]

Absolutely classic symptoms of mild to moderate depression, Bedbugs. Counselling/CBT/medication ........... whatever it takes, but GP time most certainly. I honestly do know what I'm talking about here. Good luck :o)

[carlton23]

My deepest sympathy for your loss of two children, but I really think you should consult your GP for this advise. Best wishes for the future, and I hope things get better for you both.

[Ankou]

"He says his body just feels constantly under stress, like he has constant adrenaline going that makes him want to lash out."

i get like that sometimes (although i don't do violence), in me it is a combination of stress and depression. you cannot control the stresses of the mind no matter how you try. you need to convince him that talking to someone will help (counselling, even hypnotherapy). also maybe if you are able to - take some time away from the home together - go to the seaside or something and talk, cry, scream at the sea, talk some more and hopefully refresh the perspective and future in life that this tragedy has shattered.

[Meg888]

I really hope you can persuade him to see doc. Offer to go with him maybe at first?

I really hope you both can go forward and get over this, you both sound so strong, and it's not an admittance of weakness to take some help and support from the doc. My sincerest best wishes to you both and good luck for the future.

[Old_Geezer]

I think he would do well to speak to his GP. Certainly things seem to be getting on top of him. Might be wise to have an expert check him out and give advice as to how to start a healing process. Appreciate some folk are not keep on doctor's visits but there's little point in continuing in a way that is deteriorating his mental health. Need to make changes to turn it around.

[Euphemia]

I agree that a visit to the GP would not be amiss. I do hope things start to get better for you both soon.

[redcrx]

bednobs, with all that youve both been through it is little wonder that he is struggling.

I agree with the GP as a starting point, but it is really only going to possible if he understands that he does need some sort of help.

A good friend of mine has recently had similar episodes of some terrible arguments which he cant explain and with a lot of support and persuasion made it to a GP on friday who was so helpful.

[Sqad]

Difficult....very very difficult.

For all those who have said "see your GP"....the following is the bottom line:

\\ I have asked him to see the GP and explain how he feels but he wont. \\\

I cannot offer any relevant solution except to say that you may well have to "ride this out"

My sympathies bednobs.

[jackthehat]

If the mountain won't come to Mohammed.........

Ring your surgery and explain that he is reluctant to come in to see his GP, but that in your opinion he needs some sort of help because he is floundering. Often (I know it will depend on individual practises) a GP will be prepared to fit in a Home Visit, in such cases.
Your husband will probably be cross with you for doing so but you can face that bit afterwards.
I do so wish you and Mr bednobs all the very best.

[Old_Geezer]

Well spotted Sqad. I missed that, but in fairness there was a lot of description to take in.

I guess if someone won't go for help then they are fated to keep heading "downwards" until even they realise that refusal wasn't the best choice.

Either they are willing to make changes, or they stick with the losing strategy hoping for it to solve itself.

Is there any possibility of bednobs seeing the GP and explaining she is finding it difficult because her husband is acting out of character ? Might that kick off a line of beneficial action somehow ?

[chrissa1]

My heart goes out to you bednobs. You are "walking on eggshells" all the time which is a stressful way to live.
As others have said, you really have to get him to see your GP who I know will be able to help with counselling, or even just a course of anti-depressants. They really work and would make him feel "normal" again.

Have you told him how You are feeling and what his behaviour is doing to you?

[Sqad]

Doctors do not like domiciliary psychiatric consultations on the whole as they tend to be fruitless and one has to be sure that the one that you have been asked to see is the one that needs the treatment......sounds callous........but often true.

[jackthehat]

However, home visits can often be an 'ice-breaker' in these situations and it would certainly do no harm to enquire.

[chrissa1]

My late husband asked our doctor to come and see me at home when I was unwell 10 years ago. He was so kind and really helped to get me the help I needed.

[anneasquith]

i dont believe any doctor would "do" a home visit without the patients consent

[Meg888]

What about extended family and friends? Even if there is someone trustworthy at work to gently persuade him? Nothing as tragic as this happened to me, but I started to slide down that 'slippery slope' a while ago, and it was only the gentle persuasion of my family & my boss that pushed me to go to the doc. Even when I got there, I felt there was no need - but now I look back with relief.

[jackthehat]

Your (and I assume your husband's) surgery will be well-aware of the extreme distresses and pressures which you have both been under this past couple of years.
Ring them and ask.....you have nothing to lose; and as you won't be the only spouse to ever have been in this position, they may be able to give you advice on how best to proceed.

[chrissa1]

Mine did anneasquith and it was a lifesaver.

[boxtops]

I have huge sympathy for you, bednobs, and for mr B who doesn't know where he's going. I don't know how you do it - you know him so much better than we do - but he needs to come to terms with the fact that this isn't a macho man thing to be ridden out, he needs to get some help. I heard a lecture recently about how we need to express things in different terms to blokes - whereas women think of consequences, men often benefit from terminology such as "taking control of this situation", "being in charge". If you can persuade him this way, that the answer is in his hands but he needs to ask for help, that would be such a step forward. After all that you have both been through, it's certainly not going to be seen by any GP or nurse as admission of not being able to cope (which bothers some blokes) - more that he's recognised for himself that things are not right and he's made the decision to ask for support. The GP won't think he's stupid, even if Mr B can't explain it very well.
The move is no doubt not helping - that's a stressful time in itself...... it would be good if he could be persuaded to defer the sale until he's feeling stronger in himself, and better able to take charge of the move.
Thinking of you both ♥

[joko]

i cant help in any major way, but i suppose doing a few little things that could in some small general way.
physical ways, such as using stuff like aromatherapy burners around the house, massage, kalms type tablets, rescue remedy etc etc...and mental ways like, encourage more relaxing baths, have more 'chill time' and little treats, even if its just a bottle of wine, dvd and takeway... but dont make it seem like a deliberate attempt to relax him, just do it because you just feel like it... if you get me...

it wont solve anything of course but cant hurt eh? may help 'smooth off the edges' as they say...