My dad

[BigDogsWang]

I've never had much respect for my father. He is not a bad man or anything, he brought me and my siblings up well and taught us respect (he is an ex Policeman). The thing is the older I get, the more I despise him. As a child I never saw much of him, due to working hours and drinking in the Police bar until late. He never played games with me, and has not one ounce of interest in any sport. We had our only child 8 years ago, and my dad spoils him rotten. His whole life revolves around him. When he phones my house and I answer, he always asks to speak to my son, but never engages in conversation with me. He is not rude to me, he just has no interest in me whatsoever, i.e. he never asks about how my work is doing, etc. As a child he always belittled me in front of my older brother.

You get the picture!

Yesterday, I didn't give him a father's day card. I forgot. And to be honest, I didn't run around the shop to get one. I just couldn't be ars*d. He came round our house in the morning (naturally to see my son), and I said "happy fathers day, by the way I haven't got you a card". He did not react.

My question is, is it worth me making the effort to become friends, or does it sound to you like he's not bothered? When he dies, will I regret not making the effort?

I will get off the couch now.....

[BigDogsWang]

Before anyone else says it, I realise my opening sentences are contradictory!!

[noxlumos]

Parental relationships can be very complex and my wife has a similar problem with her father who adores her brother but never engages her in any way. She struggles to have a conversation with him andfeels resentful that he's somehow deprived her of a proper father daughter relationship. she's sure and so am I that she'll regret not trying her hardest ( she gave up a while ago) when he dies but there is only so much that you can do. At least your Dad is interested in your son, my wife's father refers to her brothers son as his first grandchild despite him being 10 years younger than my wife's oldest child.I'd be dead honest with him and try to find out if he just feels awkward for some reason, as I don't think you can realistically go on, but it didn't work with my wife's Dad, he just didn't really say anything and clearly wasn't up for improving things.Good luck.

[Hellion]

Some men have absolutely no idea how to relate to girls and therefore daughters and so ignore them. He's possibly on safe ground with your son and I bet your son adores him. The problem is it perpetuates, he can't relate to women therefore they stop bothreing and he takes that as proving his point about women. My husbands grandfather was an horrendous old man who treated his wife and daughters as only being good for cooking and cleaning and that was what they did in the end to keep the peace. Other men thought he was a 'good bloke'. I couldn't bear him and used to argue and answer him back all the time - not long before he died out of the blue, shook my hand and said 'You're alright - for a girl' And I realised then that I had behaved differently to other women and earned his grudging respect.

[WendyS]

I suspect that your father just can't relate to women - possibly because of the way he was brought up himself and because he worked in a very male environment where the value of women was largely discounted. Perhaps you just have to accept that your relationship with him may not change much. However, he obviously has a very close relationship with you son who will greatly value that when he looks back on it so perhaps you just have to be grateful for that, take the good bits of your relationship with him and gloss over the rest..

[Hellion]

Sorry got thrown out of tmy post for some reason to continue....

It may be that you just have to accept that he is a 'man's man' and that he is never going to be able to relate to you. Often you accept something it suddenly stops becoming an issue and you may even find that you despise him less.

He obviously cares something for you at some level as he clearly adores your son. He may even be lavishing the attention on your son as a 'boy' as he never knew how to lavish it on you as a 'girl'.

Hope this is some help.

[BigDogsWang]

Thanks for your input folks.

One small thing though.

I am a 'bloke'.

[PinkFizz]

Isnt that funny - i assumed you were a man by your username and couldnt understand why everyone thought you were girl!!

[bohochick]

not really a laughing matter but i did chuckle at the assumption that you were a woman. i read your post and saw your name and thought you were a man so i think other people weren't reading the question properly !

anyway my Dad never had a very good relationship with my grandfather, when my grandfather got remarried he showed more interest in his 2nd family than his first. my grandfather didn't have any time for me or my brother either. my grandfather died a couple of years ago and my dad was sad but had come terms with the fact that his dad wasn't interested in a relationship with him.

what i'm trying to say is that at least your dad shows an interest in your son and maybe shows his love and pride for you through your son. i always felt like i had missed out on having that relationship with my grandfather. goodness this is the longest reply i have ever written ha ha good luck

[PinkFizz]

I have barely no relationship with my dad at all yet he went and visited my brother and his son,and my sister yet not me and my children.This hurt me terribly.He has always been more interested in himself and his friends than family anyway,but he doesnt even acknowledge me,apart from a fleeting visit at xmas which was very awkward.I have tried and tried - written to him,txt him and he is just one of those men who will not and cant show or discuss feelings with me.

I cant talk to him face to face as he has decided to move abroad without telling me!! Yet he told my siblings.

So all I would say to you is that with the best will in the world some parents have no real reason as to why they favour or reject certain children and as im my case I can analyse the situation forever and never know why.

I would in your shoes,try and sit your dad down and explain what you have said here,and how you feel,and if he still shows no reaction then I wouldn't lose anymore sleep over it - its his loss as you sound a really nice guy and a good dad.xx

[Lily_b]

<P>Wow, this sounds so much like my father-in-law. Again he was a policeman, spent lots of time away from home in an all-male environment leaving early, arriving back late etc. Rarely complimenting his sons or encouraging them.</P>
<P>One difference, he has finally admitted that he was not much of a Dad, but he is making up for it with his grandchildren. Which sounds like what your Dad is doing. He's realised what he missed out on. So don't despise him for this, he is attempting to connect with your family and ultimately to you.</P>
<P>What he needs is encouragement but at the same time to know the boundaries as to what is acceptable to you. For example, my children have the same rules of behaviour, whereas I had to correct my father-in-laws judgement of ' Well my grandson can kick things, he's just being a boy, but I would tell my granddaughter off for it'.</P>
<P>It will take time and patience. At one point we had an arguement and did not speak to each other for 8 months although we still visited and talked around each other. Now he is more accepting that we are the parents this time around and that we make the end decisions. He's even complimenting his sons (to each other, not to their faces, but we're working on that).</P>
<P>I don't mean that you need to jump in and go overboard, just give each other a chance. Let us know how you get on.</P>

[Hellion]

OOPS!!!

Sorry Big DogsWang I did look at the name and thought it was a bit odd. I'm not sure why I ithought you were a girl.