Am I right to be jealous? ( this is a long one!!! )

[think_sweet]

When me and my current boyfriend got together we had both just got out of long-term relationships. I fell madly in love with him and after only 3 weeks he told me he loved me. However after being toegether for only 1 month his ex-girlfriend found out she was 3 months pregnant with his baby! He explained to her that he would be there 100% for the baby but couldn't go back to her because he had no feelings for her and it wouldnt be fair on the child, which I agree with! I found the entire experience very hard to deal with, he went to every scan, appointment and was there at the birth! However, I couldnt help but feel that I was being taken for a 'ride', they were extremely close and sometimes a bit too close! They shared a bank account, he helped her move into a flat, he bought her a mobile and a TV. He also gave her money which I completely disagreed with! But I never confronted him because I was worried i'd lose him. When I finally met her she confronted me and said that I will never have what they have, and that she will always be number 1 in his life!. However I had to see things from her side, in her eyes I had stolen 'her' man! I let things go over my head for a long while, but now im beginning to feel very jealous and paranoid, she constantly sends my boyfriend txts, and thinks of any excuse to phone! but my boyfriend says she has a right to phone coz they have a child together!? Am I right to have these feelings, or is my boyfriend doing the right thing, I cant help but feel he is just 'keeping her sweet' to save any hassle. How can I confront him without making it sound like im asking him to choose between me and his ex! If anyone thinks im out of order please say so, any comments or opinions will do. xx

[ummmm]

Your not out of order. You obviously accept that he has to have contact but it's deciding how much. I have contact with my ex only in relation to the children. He has them once a fornight so I may send a text to check pick up times etc. He may phone me if one of them is being naughty or is feeling sick. Other than that it's about getting out our diarys to make sure our plans do not clash. With a baby it is slightly different. He bought my kids mobiles so they could talk and text. You can't do that with a baby.
You need to sit down and figure out what you find acceptable. Then you both have to compromise. Good Luck

[noxlumos]

I think you are all doing very well in an amazingly difficult relationship. I think your bf is doing completely the right thing in the way he is supporting her, and yeah she's being a bitch, but only because you've got what she really wants which is him.If he didn't love you deeply it would be much easier for him to just go back to her, so you can be VERY SURE that he feels a great deal for you. I can understand how hard this must be for you, but stick at it as every day that you are together happily it drives another nail into his ex girlfriend's aspirations of getting him back until it finally dawns on her one day that it's all over and she moves obnto another relationship as your boyfriend has with you.
Relax and enjoy the good relationship you have with your boy friend, you've got something really good and shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone.

[laurenamium]

my ex boyfriend had a 2 month old baby when I first met him, he was giving his ex girlfriend 5oo pounds a month plus maintanance to look after the baby, he bought her a house and a car, still pays for the mortgage and car insurance 2 years on and his ex girlfriendstill rings his mam for friendly chats and talks about him all the time. She uses the baby against him regularly to play him off against me and it does occasionally result in arguments. It sounds like your fellas ex still really likes him but as long as you are with him I dont see why it should be a problem. Its just hard to get your head around at first. Dont make him choose because you are guaranteed to lose his baby is always gunnacome first no matter what

[molly_may]

I really feel for you hun, his baby will come first so its good that you can accept this, as for his ex she should never come first!! you must tell your partner how you feel but avoid bad mouthing her like you said it will look like your making him choose, try explaining that its starting to effect your relationship, maybe ask him to mention to her that he would prefer her to phone rather than text. Or ask her just to call if its relating to the child or picking up times, other than that she should have absolutely no reason to phone ,so its understandable that you are upset. It is obvious that he loves you, and he sounds like a decent man!

[Rubyrose]

I am going to try and be as unbiased as possible here... which will be hard because I am currently in her shoes.. not yours! My longterm bf left me for a girl at his work and she left her longterm bf to be with him! I had no idea and was sent packing!

Anyway.... I think we can't blame this girl for what she is doing as we would all do the same in this situation and she is clearly trying to keep contact so she can stay close to him and have him in her life... for her sake as well as the childs! But... I think the problem lies with him not her! Fair enough she is trying to get close to him... this is expected... and you don't like it... this is also expected! But... he is the one letting her get close and doing what she wants! She wouldn't be doing it if he wasn't letting her! You can't blame her because she is doing what anyone would do... she is trying to fight for what she believes is/was hers. He isn't stopping her though! No offence but when my ex left me, he told me that his new girlfriend would NEVER stop us being friends and all that cr@p! It took her 2 weeks to stop him even though me and him were together for 5yrs and were best mates before that! She has stopped him from seeing me and now I haven't only lost a bf but I also lost the best friend I ever had! And as much as I hate her for it and hope she gets hit by a bus..... if he cared enough.. he wouldn't let her do it! :o(

[Rubyrose]

Can I also point out... everyone seems to jump to the conclusion that she wants him back..... this isn't always the case and maybe it isn't for her either!

I don't want my ex back... this I am 100% sure on..... BUT... I want his relationship with 'her' to f*ck up and I want him to want me back or admit he made a mistake! I don't want to be with him... but I want him to want to be with me! Its not about getting him back... its about closure!

[ChuffingHell]

Don't think you're out of order at all. It must be so hard!

I think you have a right to have things seen from your perspective.

As to the bank account, as long as it is for baby money only, having a join one is probably a good idead. However, if all his wages go in there and he uses it day to day, perhaps he needs to severe that tie?

So i wouldn't use the word confront. But I'd sit him down and tell him how hard the situation is when there are three people in the relationship, and that whilst she is the mother of the baby, you'd like a little more distance between him and her.

She does have a right to phone but I think that perhaps you ought to say that the continuous texts and phone calls, if not about the baby, are a bit much and you'd prefer if he asked her to stop that as it's beginning to interfere with your relationship.

And if you haven't already, I'd tell him what she said about you not having what they have because she has obviously said it to try and split you up. I think he needs to reiterate to her that he's not going back to her, regardless of the child, if indeed that is his view point.

Perhaps on future occasions, you should try and get involved a little more with the child so maybe suggest that to him. Like when he next goes to see the baby (and his ex), you go too. I mean, if you're around long term, the baby is obviously going to be in your lives the whole time so you should get to know him/her.

[blue eyes ;)]

harsh as i sound.....i had an ex bf with a child and the mother was an absolute bitch,he was a total drip and what ever she wanted she got when really it was too much and over the top considering it was meant to be the child he supported.the kid wasnt mine so therefore why the hell should i have always been 2nd best even though i really tried to make it work.i ended it and id never get involved with a man with a kid again!!

[Nemesis9]

As usual, some very good answers, but could you clarify a point for me.

From your question I inferred that you got together after ending your previous relationships, is that correct, or did you meet while still 'attached' and then leave your partners for each other?
There seems to be some confusion in a couple of the answers, and I think it has a bearing on how his 'ex' is behaving toward you. i.e. Whether she feels 'justified' in making life difficult etc. Could you elaborate?

[molly_may]

I have known my current boyfriend since we were 13 years old, we have been friends for a long time, we lost contact all together when we went to different colleges but 3 years later ended up doing the same course, we rarely spoke about the relationships we were in at the time, it just so happened that we both ended the relationships at the same time, it was a fast starting relationship, we started dating afrer 2 weeks.

[molly_may]

im just saying I know exactley what ur goin through hun, eventhough my bf doent have a kid

[think_sweet]

Thanks soooo much for all your helpful comments! to the previous question, we didnt leave our previous relationships for eachother, we became close because we were both experiencing the same difficulties in our relationships.

[nat_84]

gosh i was complaining on here the other day about how i was jealous of a girl i had never met who my boyfriend "USED TO "fancy - gosh that sounds lame next to ur story.

I give u all credit for staying with him and being the better woman - stay strong and if this man's worth fighting for keep battling.

[WendyS]

I think you will have to think very carefully how you go forward on this one, because whether your feelings or jealousy are justified or not, if you remain with your boyfriend, this woman and her child are going to remain with you for life. As Diana said "There were 3 people in this relationship and it was a little crowded". You are going to have to accept that your boyfriend is not going to desert his child and there will be many many times in the months and years ahead when his choice of priorities, with regard to time and money being spent with his child (and indirectly his ex girlfriend) are going to become an issue for you.
If you don't think you're going to be able to deal with it, the best thing to do for both of you is to sever your relationship now. If you really don't want to have to deal with these kinds of complications you will have to find another boyfriend who isn't unfortunately lumbered with this kind of emotional baggage. This is going to be a very hard choice for you, I know, but I think you need to be really honest with yourself about whether you want to live with these kinds of complications going forward.