HELP>>> is it me or him??

[sheri1980]

Im 29, with 2 kids, married together 13 yrs. For the last 2 years hubby has been off work sick, with depression. We lost our house as we couldnt pay the mortgage and ended up moving 150 miles south to be nearer my family.I have returned to work and i have a great job well paid as a team leader in a nursing home, now my wages pay the rent and c.taxwhich in total is £900 and i get no help from council for this.I am working all the hours i possibly can doing s much overtime just so we have a bit extra left to buy clothes for kids and petrol, pet foods. Not booze or nights out.On basic wage im no better off, in fact maginally worse off money wise working than on benefits.Now, hubby stays at home takes kids school and comes home, he will wash up, hovver odd days and feed, let out the animals, few chickens ferrets, cats. And he will wash and dry clothes, piling them up on table for me to put away. And he will tidy up a little, not properly, just put few bits away.So the house and garden is a mess, embarrassingly so!!!! I come home from work and have to sort out kids clothes, shoes, put clothes away, if i can get in their room its such a state.Im so stressed from working so much, and apart from sleeping sometimes i might not sit down for 40 or so hours! Im so so tired.Now of course i have a go at him, tell him i have been at work all day and have to come home and do more work , or loads b4 i go to work. Is this fair?? coz if i work, more than full time, should i be doing housework etc??
Now, i cant do this anymore, i cant work myself into the ground to pay for the rent, but i dont want to waste my life sat at home on benefits, im so sad coz im gonna have to give up my job coz im gonna end up ill. I cant afford new school shoes, i dont even have a bra that fits me coz i cant afford to buy one!!
Im so unhappy.. help me

[Captin Kirk]

I can't help with the bra but yes it's him.

[puzzfuzz]

Ah Sherri,

I was so sad to hear your plight it sounds as if he is too depressed to even appreciate you or what you do for him. He needs to find work to make himself feel better too. He can't live this life not working for the rest of his life. If he worked too he would take all the stress and burden off of you. You need to tell him how you feel. I can understand your frustration with doing everything and not getting enough money even though you are working. It probably seems like a never ending cycle which you can't get out of.

Do you love him enought to stay with him? as you are sounding very down with the situation and quite rightly so. You will have to give him an ultimatum!, both of you not working is not the answer you will only be in each others pockets and the situation will not get better and you will feel even more low not working.

Is there a possibility of applying for another job? a better paid one?? see if you are entitled to anything more try going to the citizens advice bureau to see if they can advise. I do hope you start to feel better and you get things sorted i really feel for you.

[karenmac60]

Sit the whole family down and talk to them. Explain that you are working very hard and you need everyone's help to keep the house clean and tidy. Work out a rota so that everyone does something (I don't know how old your kids are, but even a small job such as making their beds or feeding the animals would be a help). That way your husband might realise the situation but it doesn't look like you are just having a go at him. If he could even get a part time job too, it would help with his confidence and with the finances. Maybe he resents being in the 'woman's' role and you being the breadwinner. Maybe he's depressed. Maybe he's just a lazy sod. Whatever it is can't go on and he's got to be made to understand that, cos you're killing yourself here.

[sunflower68]

Sheri I do feel for you , you are doing it all and it is so hard. I am on my own working full time with 2 kids also; are they old enough to help out a bit (mine do but I have to really nag them.) They don't see much of their dad cos he is up in Lincoln but he has a terribly bad back , awaiting an operation and desperately wishes he could work, has always been busy

[sunflower68]

oops sorry I was going to delete and restart the reply, seemed to be waffling on about my ex!! Oh well lol.......I am sorry I can't help but think that you need to look after yourself more in this instance because ultimately you need your health because you need to be there for your kids; I somehow think he won't be. I am sorry he has depression but if you went it alone, got a cheaper place to rent, reduced your hours, you may be entitled to working family tax credit. This is not 'sat at home on benefits' but a little extra help in order that we single mums can take more care of our kids. It may reduce some of your stress and give you more home time and time with the kids. The government would also be able to help with childcare cost were you to drop the children off at a club.

[ummmm]

I typed out a long answer but my internet went :-(

To make it simple....write him a 'to do' list. They can't figure it out on their own :-)

[Androcles]

You say what you told him " I have a go at him", but you never said what was his response? What did he do before? What is the Doctor saying or is he just on a repeat doctors note? What treatment is he getting and is he actually trying to get better by taking it? Is he spending any of his benefits on himself, spending time down the pub?

If the answer to these questions is that he he is not cooperating with trying to get better, you may have to let him have a final warning and if he doesn't respond, there is not much else you can do. In the end he has to help himself - like alcoholics, they have to participate in the process and want to get well, otherwise they never will.