Genuine Question Re Children Who Don’t Acknowledge Your Birthday/Xmas

[Smowball]

Genuine question as I’ve asked a few friends this and just wanted your opinions. I have 4 adult children - 3 boys and 1 girl. Youngest son and eldest son never ever forget - always buy me birthday presents(as in this week), cards, Xmas presents and cards etc. Middle son never ever buys me even a card, let alone a present, but bizarrely he messages me probably more than any of the others!! Daughter never acknowledges me up until this year when I sent her a long message with a few home truths (long story) and she actually sent me a card this week with kisses in lol.
But my question is……… every year I buy all 4 of mine Xmas presents etc,,,,,,, and hubby said why are you spending money on the ones that utterly blank you?? And I said I can’t treat any of them differently……. So what do do all do?? When you have children that acknowledge you and treat you, and you have ones that completely blank you??

[Paigntonian]

Easy. Treat all kids the same, End.

[elliemay1]

I would treat them all the same

[bednobs]

not for kids, but for relatives, i have a 2 strikes and you're out policy. If they don't thank me for a present once, i forgive. If they dont thank me twice, i send no further presents. Even amongst siblings

[Paigntonian]

If you treat them all in the same way then the kids who don't currently relate to you might be encouraged so to do. Favouring kids who like and relate to you doesn't achieve what, I suspect, you would like to achieve.

[Ken4155]

3 daughters, 1 son. Both eldest daughters always get me presents and cards for Christmas, birthdays and Father's Day. Youngest daughter did until a couple of years back - no special reason why she hasn't done so recently apart from being possibly strapped for cash.
Son surprised me with a bottle of Martell about 8 years back - nothing before and nothing after - and i joked that he'd probably won it in a raffle. Though he does take me racing when he can (when she who must be obeyed says he can) and never lets me pay for juice
Yet i always give them the same amount for their birthdays (£20 each) and Christmas (£100 each). Just wouldn't feel right if i didn't.

[Paigntonian]

Some of mine speak to me every week. Others don't. When I think back to my university years I don't recall phoning my mum and dad. They phoned me. There were also long periods when, after my parents got divorced, I was cross with my mum and cross with my dad. I fully understand what you're going through but you can't give up on your kids. Do your best, try to communicate. If it's not reciprocal then that's life I'm afraid.

[Smowball]

Agree, I couldn’t possibly treat them differently - I would feel terrible, I was just curious as to what you all did. The middle son who never ever buys me a thing is always strapped for cash admittedly, my daughter has no excuse apart from a feeling thing but I think we have sorted it all out now, which is lovely x

[davebro]

I stopped buying for my relatives - too much stress thinking what to buy, the expense & not getting any comeback. Sod 'em.

[barry1010]

Treat them all the same, you have raised them to be individuals and they are.

[Old_Geezer]

I have no kids but understand that different folk consider different things as the norm. They may be utterly unaware their behaviour saddens you. That stated, I don't try to act the same as another, but act as myself; and treat others as I'd like to be treated myself. I act as I choose, others act as they choose. It's neither a race to a perceived top, nor to a perceived bottom.

[Paigntonian]

Snow. Point taken. It's hard. I feel a failure when a child of mine chooses not to communicate. But it's in the nature of things. We can only do our best as can they. Don't beat yourself up about it. It achieves nothing.

[barry1010]

What I do re presents - I only buy Christmas presents for children, once they hit 18, they stop. I do spend a lot more on their birthdays, though.

[Ken4155]

I have to say that my son and daughter in law do not buy cards for anything other than children's birthdays - their children, young nephews and nieces. Not as if he's singling me out for special attention :-)

[Paigntonian]

Cards have a limited future. None of my lot bother. A text or email is great.

[Old_Geezer]

BTW I don't send presents to adult members of the family. Made an announcement when I was a youth because I never knew what gift was appropriate and hated days of xmas shopping in crowds. Life was too short for that. Folk get cards. Younger folk got gifts until 18 or 21 or something like that. So much easier when none of us are bothering. (I do recall work folk didn't seem to like my refusing to participate in their daft 'secret santa' though and my objection to e-mails worded to try to include you without asking.)

[Smowball]

OG - yes I’m getting to the point where I am baffled as to what to buy for MrSmow. In-laws sorted this years ago - they don’t buy each other an Xmas present - they decided on something they would like for the house or garden and they buy that together.

[Bobbisox1]

Smo, I missed your birthday so sending you belates x
As I’ve wrote on here me and my son have had a long estrangement but each birthday I bought and wrote his card , I could tie them up in a pretty bow and give him them now , but I won’t as we’re taking baby steps to heal those broken years, treat them all the same x

[Smowball]

Oh bless Bobbi- I hope that you manage to get there - I’m not saying my daughter and I are 100% there but we’re are now messaging and she is now replying to things and putting kisses on the end.it means the world x

[Bobbisox1]

I think once the funeral is over ( hopefully early next week) we can wok on getting back to a Mum/son relationship ,both of our heads are in a bad place just now xx

[Barsel]

I've always treated my children and grandchildren the same, but even though my eldest daughter stopped talking to me some years ago, I have still sent her a card with money in it every birthday and Christmas.
Last Christmas she sent me an email to tell me to stop doing it as she doesn't want anything to do with me, so this year was the first time I didn't send her a birthday card and I must say it felt very real.