Crosswords1 min ago
Tonyav's Story
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Tonyav was conceived (with a degree of contortion and inventiveness) on the back seat of a Citroen 2CV, so his parents decided to name him Antoine Avec Voiture. His name lasted until his first day at school, when the teacher calling out the register laughed so hard she had a seizure and was taken away by ambulance. From that day on he called himself Tonyav. After a singularly unremarkable childhood, Tonyav left school to become a plumber. He was attracted to the profession as the words "plunger" "ballcock" and "pipeworks" had an earthy element about them. He was the proprietor of his own business ("Tonyav the Plumber - Anwerbank Under the Wold, New York, Milan, Paris - but mainly Answerbank Under the Wold. Septic Tanks a Speciality"). He lived alone in his bedsit, religiously changed his sheets every January without fail and survived on a diet of Pot Noodles and Spam. He had many friends he saw on a regular basis. Unfortunately they all worked in A&E at the local hospital. Tonyav was spectacularly accident prone, and unlucky in love. His standard outfit consisted of ratty track suit bottoms and a grubby wife beater vest. On his nights out at the local pub his grooming routine consisted of a liberal dousing of Old Spice and an application of Brylcreem substitute (lard). His one date in his teens had been with Myrtle, the very short sighted daughter of the local vicar. Deciding to take her for a picnic on the village green, he prepared Spam sandwiches and had a flagon of cheap cider. As they fell into a drunken doze in the shade of a tree, Tonyav was pleasantly surprised to feel a pair of lips gently nibbling his. He responded with fervour until the vague worry that Myrtle seemed a little more stubbly than seemed natural caused him to open his eyes. Myrtle let out a scream as she awoke from her doze to see Tonyav kissing Tenrec's billygoat, Ed, who had been grazing on the green and had fallen head over hooves in love. The budding romance ended and the next day Myrtle joined a convent. Ever the optimist, Tonyav winked and leered his way through life and kept an old mattress, only lightly soiled, in the back of his white van, along with his secret stash of 1960's Health & Efficiency magazines. One day while servicing a boiler, he accidentally stumbled on a leaflet for a dating agency, hidden under a pile of paperwork in a kitchen drawer, in a different part of the house to the boiler. That evening he filled out the application form to join the Desperado Dating Agency. He was somewhat economical with the truth when completing the form, and the photo he sent with his application was actually one of Brad Pitt. The following week he received the offer of a date with a gorgeous looking woman who was the double of Cheryl Cole. He raided his father's wardrobe and borrowed a suit which had been out of fashion as far back as 1948. On the way to meet his date he had an unfortunate encounter with Ed, who knocked him into a steaming pile of goat dung. After going home to change, he scoured the village looking for Cheryl Cole but to no avail. Consoling himself in the village pub, he saw a homely looking woman with cauliflower ears who was shortly to change his life.
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Oi overall, it ought to be me bloody well complaining the bloody goats again[i. And I'll have you know that I have pulled many times [i] not saying what though[i] wearing my dad's Demob suit, and how did you know that I enjoy the odd [i] very odd] spam sandwich.
Very good mrs overowl big lol from me.
Very good mrs overowl big lol from me.
