Feeling Unhappy With My Lot After An Awful Time.

[Jenarry]

Do you think that going through a bad break up/time in your life can greatly change how you feel as a person?
It is 4 years ago now since I had the worst year of my life and I feel like I have changed and as it has been 4 yrs it feels like the change is permanent.
My world was turned upside down when my partner of nearly 5 years and the dad to my son showed his true colours to me when he walked out and I subsequently found out he had been lying and cheating on me for months if not longer. I never thought he would do any of this to me and I now know he has a history of it.He didnt even show me the respect to tell me the truth after he left and carried on lying for months.
The same year our son was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at the age of 3...which was a horrendous shock to me too.
It's hard to explain how I feel but I am in a long term relationship and I don't feel the connection that I usually feel in relationships and I find myself questioning our relationship an awful lot to myself. It was less than a year when i met my current partner and I think maybe it was too soon. :O(
I feel unsure about my relationship, unhappy and bored in my job and generally not happy.I feel like i am just going through the motions every day and everything feels unimportant to me with the exception of keeping my son's health on an even keel which is a very demanding job.
I feel like nothing is terrible for me in my life at the moment (especially as i know how awful things can be)so I should be happy and I feel bad for feeling like this. Maybe I just need to get some courage and change the things that aren't making me very happy but will I still feel like this after?...

[jno]

four years isn't really enough time to recover from such hammer blows. It's quite possible you won't recover in the sense of being the person you once were; because you aren't. You're older and wiser.

Long-term it will help you if can regain some of the trust in humanity you once had. One man left you; that doesn't mean another will. You're obviously a bit wary of your current relationship but as time goes on you may start to feel more comfortable in it - because you'll have had yet more experience by then.

And yes, your concern for your son naturally takes first place at the moment, as it would with most mothers. It might be a good thing if you could discuss this with your partner, make it clear that if you're slightly distant with him it's because a sick son comes first.

Your job I don't know about. Many people are stuck in jobs they don't really like because these days it's hard to find another. You could look for another, plenty do, but that might just add to your stress. Unless you really hate the job, then it's probably worth sticking at it.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

[Connemmara]

My cousin's husband walked out on her many years ago - left her with a son of 4 and a month pregnant. She never bothered with men after that - but getting rid of him was a blessing in disguise. Not at the time mind you. But time should be healing for you - 4 years is a good while for you not to be healing - perhaps you are with your partner for company's sake and not for love. Regarding your job I worked for 40 years in Silly Service - some good years and some very bad times but it brought me a salary - be careful re your job cos there are very few out there. Perhaps your discontentment in your personal life is affecting your work. Good luck whatever you do. Conne

[woofgang]

My experience is that after a bad time, it's possible to become emotionally numbed which is a bit what you post says to me. I don't know how to deal with it because I still have times when I feel the same. Be kind to yourself and patient with yourself. I can't answer about your partner, only you can do that and I agree that the most important thing at the moment is the health of your son. It might be helpful tonsort down and do a job pros and cons list to help you to decide whether it is the job you dislike or your current circumstances. Could you talk to your GP about some counselling? I know it seems to be the answer to everything these days but I did find that talking about how I felt helped me.

[Connemmara]

Woolfgang - I myself think whilst I love my GP - but they don't specialise in counselling - mental health - they don't have the time - they just want you in and out - next.

I got counselling myself many years ago and remember I had about 6 sessions and when I look back on it - he said nothing and I talked too much (what's new) - I do realise counselling perhaps is that but it doesn't help when answers are not given to you as to what to do. Time is a great healer but I do think Jenarry should have moved on a bit after 4 years.

[Jenarry]

I do feel like I'm over it with regards what my ex did to me. It took a while but the only thing it has left me with is the question of whether any of the almost 5 year relationship was genuine or whether he was playing me the whole time and worrying about how genuine other people are.
This has been increased by a couple of things that have happened since this with other people. :O(
I also think back to how I was in this relationship and ones prior to this to how I am now and it all feels very different. My bf is quite a distant person and not very demonstrative which is making things much worse.

[jno]

then I'd say you're not over it... and I'd also say not to go setting yourself time limits. Things take as long as they take, and worrying about why you're stressed is just more stress. You've got the worries of the world on your shoulders at the moment, and it's not surprising if caring for your son is using up some of the time and emotion that you would have otherwise have devoted to dealing with your ex's departure.

I think woofgang's suggestion about counselling is a good idea, though that again can work for some better than others.

[Connemmara]

Jenarry I worried all my life and still do worry about what other people "think". Can I give you a classic example of worrying about other people - My beautiful friend went to Australia 30 years ago (for in her case a year or two with her 3 year old illegitimate daughter (she had 4 bros there (Australia) at the time) - got pregnant again with another daughter and because of worrying about what other people would be thinking of her in NI she was bringing home another illegitimate child - lost the nerve of coming home where she belonged and has ended up in Australia with a dead husband 4 more children and a granddaughter and can never come home for good and loathes Australia. Stop worrying about people - It is easier said than done "don't worry worry till worry worries you". I personally don't think you are with the right partner either but that decision belongs to you obviously. xx Conne - getting a bit emotional here for you.

[Jenarry]

woofgang numbed strikes a chord...i don't feel happy very much and I seem to be one comment or one incident away from a bad mood with my bf all the time. He asked me to marry him in January and i said yes and I really wish I hadn't. All I can think about is whether I want to be with him at all let alone marry him and we had tallked about having a baby which i would dearly love to do but this all feels wrong. :O( I feel wrong. :O(

[Jenarry]

and confused because he doesn't show or say how much he cares then he made a gesture in January.(although it felt more like a business propostition the way he did it )

[woofgang]

Could you sit down and talk to your partner about what is going on? Only you will know if I am talking rubbish or not but if you went into the relationship when you were feeling numb, maybe his distant behaviour was part of what attracted you or maybe he is taking his cue from you because he thinks that's how you want him to behave? Either way I think it will help to tell him what is going on in your heart and head.
If you are still mulling over aspects of your old relationship then I would say that you are not over it yet, which may be another good reason to ask your GP about counselling.

[grasscarp]

I would agree with Woofgang, that this needs to be talked about with your partner. From how your discussions go you will sort out whether this relationship should stay as it is, progress to marriage and children with him, or end. It is difficult to trust after what you went through and maybe you are not giving your partner all of yourself either.
I am sorry that your little boy has diabetes. I am always hoping that they will one day be able to cure this. (My mother had late onset diabetes).
You may look at other people in relationships and imagine it is better than yours but, trust me it isnt necessarily so!
Good luck for the future Jennary, and big kiss for your little boy.

[Jenarry]

woofgang ..i think i was partly attracted to him because he seemed safe and we were quite content at the start and affectionate etc but it's like he doesn't know how to be like this(he lived on his own and was in a loveless relationship for 15 years before me) i have tried to show him but he needs prompting all the time and i have sort of given up now. hence the relationship feels a bit hollow to me and not how i would normally be due to the situation or my history ..i am not quite sure. :O( I often get the feeling on a day to day basis that he would be just as happy/happier living on his own again.
But then he talked about getting married, having a baby (which i prompted a year or so ago), and now us both selling our houses and buying one together in a totally new area and it all sounds very committed but on a day to day basis it all feels very emotionless. :O(

[Jenarry]

oops should say was in loveless relationship for 10yrs and lived on his own for 15 years before me.

[arwyn]

Jennary I'v been trying to think of a short version of my life but can't :) :)

But what I can say is my son (from 1st marrage) got so attached to 2nd Husband that it became impossible to end it when I felt it was dead.

So have a good think/talk about where you go from here xx

[pizza]

Hi Jenarry, I think you really need to look at your life,you need to be strong and find the courage to speak about your feeling to your current partner.
Going through the motions is no way to live life.
Your ex has damaged your confidence in a big way and on top of your sons diabetes you have had a lot to deal with emotionally.
It can be easy to get involved in another relationship as a coping mechanism,someone new showing care and attention is a tonic for anyone,but you need to be honest with yourself and your current partner about your feelings as staying together plodding on is no good for either of you.
My thoughts and good wishes are with you Jenarry, life is too short to live settling for second best.
I would suggest as others have counselling may help because you are grieving for the loss of the relationship and your sons health,I have found in the past St Johns Wort to be a mood lifter, I know some people are sceptical but it's definitely worth trying.
As for the job,again like others have said these days jobs are hard to find but if you have the opportunity for change go for it, if not like many think well without my job would my life be worse without the income? hopefully this can put a different perspective on things regarding the job.
Good Luck Jenarry and keep us informed x