Male Gay Best Friend Now Has Girlfriend

[LaurenD]

My dilemma is that my best friend, a gay man, has very recently met a woman with whom he is having a relationship. I have known this man for two years and he has mentioned women in his distant past, but I've never known him to be with anyone but a man.
We live two hours away but message constantly on Facebook and text, all day every day about all sorts of subjects, including intimate and emotional ones.
Now he is with a woman, I feel very strange indeed. It's not jealousy that he fancies her and not me - we're like brother and sister - it's the change in dynamic that unsettles me.
I feel like a mistress - and this may relate to an affair I had years ago with a married man. The married man would talk to me all day about his woes and problems and generally to offload, then go home to his wife and have a lovely evening because he's had his big chat and laugh with me earlier.
I can't decide if I'm over-reacting here. Is it morally right to be so involved with a man who now has a girlfriend? Or is this MY problem, exposing a need in me to be the "special" female friend and finding that that is no longer the case?
I have spoken to him about my concerns but he brushed them off - well, he would do, wouldn't he? Who wants to lose a friend who is always there for them? I have a partner of my own and lots of friends, so it's not like I'm sitting here bereft and lonely!
So your opinions here would be much appreciated. Thanks so much.

[jim360]

Well he doesn't have to be attracted to only men or only women, so while it might be surprising that he's in a relationship with a woman now it shouldn't be a shock. How did you feel in the past about his boyfriend(s)? Was there any sort of jealousy there along the same lines: "why did my friend fancy that man over me?"

In terms of the change in dynamic, it's difficult to relate exactly but the closest situation I have would be with my two best friends, both girls (well, now women I suppose), one of whom is now married but I see regularly. We're very close and thus far she, me, and her husband are able to maintain relationships without any messy love triangle emerging. In the beginning it was perhaps a bit more difficult because, yes, her new-found boyfriend/ fiancé/ husband did change the dynamics, but these things settle down fairly quickly. Give it time, give them space, be there when he needs you, and try not to worry about it.

[LaurenD]

Thank you Jim, a lovely reply and I'm grateful for your insight. It's a completely unique situation to me and I appreciate your view hugely.

[pixie373]

It's not surprising you feel a little unsettled, but it's obviously a completely different relationship. He'll still need his friends. I agree with him, let them work themselves out and see what happens. She may need some reassurance to realise you're not a threat to their relationship, too.

[boxtops]

I endorse what jim says. I have male friends I knew before they married - we are still very good friends. Did you feel this way about his male partners? I don't think you have any dilemma at all - he's still your friend, irrespective of his choice of partner. You are lucky that your own partner understands this relationship. Don't forget, too, that whether we like it or not, relationships do evolve - it may be that it'll be different in future, he will always be your friend, but the "always there for you" should come from your own partner, too.

[RATTER15]

So your friend is actually bisexual.

[jim360]

I'm glad people agree with my answer and that it's been found helpful. When I wrote it I was worried that it sounded like total rubbish so... yeah.

[Peter Pedant]

So he is not that gay after all
Let them get on with it.

[LaurenD]

Thank you everyone - a good dose of old fashioned common sense from you all, just what I needed!