Islam, dating and parents... what do I do?!

[cerenna]

I'm a 21 year old Muslim girl, living away at university. I'm fairly lucky and have parents that are happy to let me move away and I'm moving to NYC for a year. All because they trust me.

In the last few months, I have been seeing a white man who I'm so happy with - he's wonderful, my age and so good to me and so good for me. I just hope I'm worth all of this grief.

When we first started seeing each other, I don't know how much stick we put up with - abuse walking down a busy high street, unveiled criticism in an Indian restaurant (where they assumed I didn't understand what they were saying), opposition from friends that aren't even asian 'you're taking our men!'... Who knows what will happen if my parents knew about it.

I want to just enjoy my time with him but I'm starting to get fairly upset as uni is ending and we both live in different cities and will have jobs. Then I'll be in NYC in September and he'll be in New Zealand from January.

I am so close to falling head over heels in love with him - he makes my day light up with laughter and I forget everything when I'm with him and his smile makes everything feel ok.

What do I do?! I don't know if I should continue to spend so much time with him as we're not going to see much of each other come the end of June (and we really dislike being apart). Do we try and stay together and make it work? How on earth do I know if this is the real thing and if it's going to be worth going to bat for and telling my parents and possibly being disowned? Most of all, I don't want to hurt my parents, I love them. I don't want to be seen as betraying their trust.

Any musings would be appreciated. Cheers for reading the ramblings of a very confused individual, it makes me feel better that someone out there can take some time to 'listen.'

:)

[Le Chat]

Surely at 21 you are an adult and able to make you own descisions, whether right or wrong? He sounds like a good bloke. If your parents disowned you, then it would be their choice not yours and begs the question whether they really are interested in your happiness or their own blinkered religious views. Presumably 'betraying their trust' means that you are not doing what they want, which is waiting for a 'good muslim' bloke to marry? You are 21 , you can do what you like!

[123everton]

Faint hearts never won anything.
I know how you feel and what you're both going through (kind of) I was once engaged to a Chinese girl who I loved with all my heart, and she me.
The Devil deals in doubt, and the first thing you have to recognise that the doubts you are suffering are not about him or each other, it's everybody elses reaction.
The passing comments of stupid strangers are what they are stupid, ignorant, loveless, spiteful nomarks who are in reality just jealous to see 2 people in love. They'd feel the same about 2 white people but feel able to vocalise it because your both "different".

[tony1941]

I work - in England - with a 26 year old (I assume Muslim as her family is from India) girl who has worked for a year in Australia and fallen for a ("white") guy over there. She now pines for him and his recent visit to the UK was blighted by the "family rules". I told her to spend the money on the long phone calls and tell him what she felt. It seems to have worked. They now have some sort of plan, although it will be a couple of years or more before they really get together. Take Courage!! If you think you're in Love, you probably are. Just make sure he agrees with you----and then go for it!

Good luck

Tony

[123everton]

When I was with my ex people (nice people) used to say "is'nt it difficult going out with a Chinese girl?" and I used to say no because it was'nt, we loved each other so never actually noticed. I imagine when you're alone together you're the same.
You're about to face an enforced absence if you can get through that intact then you should think about building a future together. It is your life not theirs you are living and life's not a rehearsal.
I don't know how you're family will react (or his) they may surprise you. But often once the Grand kids start coming along they relent.
Make him aware of the difficulties you may face, make him aware of the risks you're willing to take to be with him (I would expect him to be willing to put a ring on your finger AND name a date to take that risk) let him decide for himself if he wants to be with you. But before during and after you've told him this remind him that you love him. Commitment and loyalty has to be 100% in this event.

[cuddleMe]

have you made love to him yet?

[123everton]

My experience ended quite sadly for both of us, my exes mother succeeded in splitting us up, being disowned by your parents is difficult I'm 37 and both my parents can cut me in half with one well worded sentence (all parents can, and they know it) the aftermath was bad for me. I had been until I met her something of a promiscuous drunkard, I swiftly went back to what I knew (although I drank alot less) I still see my ex passing by from time to time she always looks pale, tired and sad. Which is unfortunate because I used to make her laugh like a drain.
It took me a long time to get my sh1t properly together and move on, but I did and I'll probably get married next year.
I can't speak for my ex, I don't know what she's doing or who she's with etc. if I saw her I'd wish her love, luck and happiness for the future. But I am poorer for her passing, and that's no reflection on my future wife, that's just how life corrupts you, and if you let it how it'll destroy you.
My advice is if you love each other go for it, nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

[Davy_Ewing]

it's unfortunate that your religion can cause you this much angst. Personally I'd do what feels right however I know that for you this could have very serious consequences. Would you resent your family if you didn't take this step? Would you risk your own life or at least your famillies "disapointment" by staying with this guy?
It's a big step but could you not go to NZ with him and further your education there. As far as I understand NZ is a pretty multicultural place.

if you do a quick search on the net there are helplines that would probally offer you much more sound advice than any of us.

[123everton]

Well said Davy, I think Cuddle Me needs "cuddling" by the neck quite vigourously and soon.

[cerenna]

You people are really amazing!

I am really sorry to hear about your past 123everton, it sounds like a real shame. I hope that you find someone or are with someone who makes you feel happy now.

I also completely understand how it is when it's just you and the other person alone, there is no difference. I still can't believe the amount of ignorance people who are supposedly educated and informed still have.

I think I have too much spirit to let my family dictate my life - and I'm hoping that after any initial shock they'll love me more than culture and religion to accept my choice.

I would go to NZ but I have an internship that was long arranged in NYC - but I think you're right, if it's meant to be, then hopefully we'll prevail :)

I hope he feels the same, he's gone through all the grief we've faced so far with dignity and laughter and I'm glad that none of it has stopped him from still wanting to be with me.

And to cuddleme, problems extend beyond the physical - why would your advice/opinion differ depending on my answer?!

[Ice.Maiden]

carenna - I have Asian friends, and know how difficult this situation can be within families. Have you tried contacting the Asian counselling people, or, if you and your partner've made a decision to "go for it", then have you a relative or older brother/sister who might mediate witrh your parents? A long distance relationship CAN work, but if your man feels about you in the same way as you feel for him, then it'd be best to try and be together. Either of you could still find work, or continue to study in the same country. I sincerely hope that things work out for you. I respect the beliefs and ways of other cultures, but as you're old enough to make your own decisions, if it comes to the crunch, I think you should ask your parents for their blessing, and then go where your heart leads you, whatever.

[andy-hughes]

I am so sorry to hear that cultural and geographical problems are going to put a strain on your relationship.

First, you need to have a serious talk with your partner, and decide between you if the relationship is going to survive the split while you are in different parts of the world. If you decide that you want to be together, then everything else will fall into place.

Your parents' potential hostility is very hard to bear - something Westerners find very difficult to comprehend, but although i have no experience, i empathise with your wish to try and make happy everyone you care about.

But first, you must do what is right for you - meetkng everyone else's expectations will only leave you miserable.

So, if you want hin, and he wants you, your relationship will climb over the temporary difficulties, and you will survive any family hostility - and let's hope your parents are enlightened enough to feel that what makes their daughter happy is actually more important than what they may think is the right spiritual path for her.

Think it over, talk it over, and go with your heart - to do anything else will make you unhappy.

[beso]

The description of your relationship sounds real to me.

Find out if you two can emmigrate to New Zealand.They don't get so weird about cross cultural marriage. Europeans have intermarried with the local Maori population for generations. Some of the best looking people in the world are products of those marriages.

Or Australia. Although some emmigrant enclaves are still very racist there are many places where you are allowed to be yourself. We have had generations of mixed marriages and most people don't even blink about it.

YOur parents need to learn and if they can't then at least they have not been given the opportunity to pass their racism to your children.

[zbearspirit]

Cerenna irrespective of your colour this would be a dilemma for any student in your situation, where you have met someone who is special. but what I would like to say is that your parents sent you to University to give you the best possible start in life. So in my opinion it is very important that you complete your studies so that you will be in a position to have the career you planned for. It's nice that you have met someone who is special, but your education must take precedent, because if you became a qualified professional you will always have the means to provide for yourself. If you go to New Zealand and it does not work out what are you left with. What if you became pregnant and he left you? You can have a long distance relationship and if it is meant to be between you, then it will work out, if it isn't it wont. You have the rest of your life for love, get your qualifications first.