Anyone else feel like this?

[roosi]

We are late twenties / early thirties. Other half has recently gone self employed, big financial strain, although it's very successful so far, and will be (looking to the future we hope), to top it all off there's the current economic climate which doesn't help!
Intimacy is completely out of the question as we are always either talking about the business, or sleeping, I know this isn't good but it's getting to the stage that this is all that matters during conversation just now. I am beginning to understand him and his needs more and more and sometimes just feels like we are exisiting as a couple. He loves me unconditionally, and I do him although things / life in general seem to be drifting past (outwith our control).

We laugh together, watch lots of films (as we have this in common), and do quite a lot together I am just finding the lack of intimacy a huge deal, and I am feeling really quite rejected. We have been together for almost a decade, so it's not like we are new to the ups and downs of a relationship and have been through plenty together, so I don't see why this should affect us any differently as a couple.

I have mentioned the lack of this "closeness" to him by which he says stuff like I always get like it from time to time, and I am an insecure person (which to an extent is right) now and again.

I just want to get back to the way we were without making too big a deal about things, and causing an argument with him as I realise ho much stress we are both under just now - I work full time in a rather stressful position myself.

Any ideas, and sensible answers only would be appreciated

Thanks
R
x

[Ethel]

Hmmm. If you have time to watch films together, you have time for intimate stuff.

If I were you, I'd show him this post. Then he may understand exactly how you feel, and be grateful you want intimacy with him, and not pressure him.

It's a good starting point

[roosi]

When I said more and more I meant less and less and also it sounded harsh when I said how he reacts, he doesn't react harshly just like in a manner of "we've been here before, and you know what your like" which I understand.

All I want to do is to begin to understand him and his needs without too much pressure on him, as he is quite shy too and subsequently not the most confident in discussing things like this ( and likewise)...

[roosi]

Don't really wanna show him this, as I said we have discussed it, and he gets rather fed up of me trying to talk - when he would clearly prefer not to, and sometimes (I know this) I can be a little insecure and over bearing when it comes to these things, and I don't wanna cause any undue hassle as I say he is stressed, and to be frank so am I!

Just need to break the ice again and wanna know a asubtle non-confrontational way of doing this........

[andy-hughes]

You need to talk to him about compartmentalising aspects of your lives.

So, on Saturdays, yo go out together as a couple for a meal or to the cinema, and you agree not to discuss work AT ALL.

You get a cab home, so you can have a drink each, you are wearing some new underwear, which you show him discreetly, and let nature take its course.

Then, say you are going to do this regularly - you don;t expect the evening to always end in sex, but you do expect a nice cuddle and some kisses, and NO TALK ABOUT WORK.

Try it - this could be the key to getting your lives back.

Good luck.

[roosi]

thanks Andy H

I often wonder if something like this would be the key and thanks fo ryour quick response, but throughout this "intimacy drought" we have both become quite reserved, and "shy" if this makes sense to the fact that we both know it should be happening, and are under no illusions, but getting into a situation where we are both comfortable and being open and honest is where we stumble, and it gets dusted under the carpet once more.....

[4getmenot]

do you think some of is it you wondering where its going? You say you've been together 10 yrs are you engaged? living together? children?

[boogieboogie]

I too though when I read the "We watch films together" thinking you obviously have time for each other. It's how you spend that time and he needs to address your needs as much as you consider his. Anyway reminds me of a guy I know who's life was transformed when his wife became interested in holistic therapy, reiki and such, he took an interest and himself did a course in counseling skills and was overwhelmed with how much this changed his life. He couldn't believe it and wish he'd discovered it soon. Just having time for other, time to listen, time to understand, time to relax. The guy had always been in managerial positons in engineering and therefore fixing things, be it staff or mechanical problems, even family. Then he stopped trying to fix and tried to understand.. Maybe something like this will help it's an idea if nothing else.

[roosi]

4get - I know a we have made plans we want (a) child soon, and want to move house etc to upgrade, not married but happy like this, and are generally at ease with the way things are. It's just a matter of having lost this and now am struggling to see the wood for the trees in trying to get it back if this makes sense - it's hard to explain........Gone on for around a year like this, and I always assumed it would fix itself as you do, and am now thinking intervention needs to happen as we need to "find" each other again.....

Hope this makes sense to you guys, just how I see it...

[4getmenot]

do you think maybe a holiday away on your own might make you realise how much you love eachother?

[roosi]

Definately a holiday would be great - but money is still a major issue though - can't afford it this yr! And he works every moment god sends to make buainesss work

Vicious circle........

[roosi]

I try and do sweet things for him from time to time but as everyone knows, most things cost money, I think this is really getting us both down to be honest although he shows this side of him more than I do.

[4getmenot]

can you have a weekend away at all at a friends? Sometimes I sit there on a night while we are watching a film him on one couch me on other and think about our relationship but then he doesnt live with me so the nights he's not there I miss him like crazy. maybe you just have nothing to compare it too.

[roosi]

Yeah sounds right enough 4get - sofa each! LOL

Become complacent, need to get out of rut, don't know how.

We don't really have friends that live out of town, so see them regularly anyway, staying wouldn't feel like a break really.

I must sound like a right miserable sod - I am not promise, just a bit lost on the intimate side, and need to get it back asap! I always panic and wonder if it's too late.

I don't believe it though as I say we have been here (not on this scale though) before, so it feel kind of normal and we normally bounce back - it's just been such a long time this time, (or so it feels).

I can deal with it in spells now and again, I don't expect it to be bliss all the time, just scared in case it dissapears for good. that's all.

[Bathsheba]

Maybe you just need to watch a different type of film together? **nudge nudge wink wink**

[roosi]

Lol Bathsheba :-)

Tried this type of thing years ago, and are not adverse to it, just I think we need the initial confidence to get back into it feel it's something you can do when you are confident, don't feel right just now - just need basics just now, but need confidence to bring even this back, we feel like best friends right now (and do from time to time), I think everyone does, as I am supporting him with everything, and not getting any "us" time......

Sometimes feel like a "scare" of somthing happening to one of us would make us realise just how precious everything is between us, and not take it for granted anymore

R
x

[4getmenot]

I guess thats how I can feel comfortable just knowing my blokes there even if on another couch, he had cancer at 23 and he has had a scare lately so I realise how much he means to me. But you shouldnt be wishing for a scare at all. Do you always go out together? maybe a night out with the girls is called for

[Eve]

I found this interesting reading as my relationship has just ended over a similar issue.

I have a very demanding job which I feel quite personally tied to as I've done so much work and study to get where I am and to be a job is more than just money. With the workload and responsibilities it can become very consuming especially trying to manage social and family things on top and day to day stuff.

I found myself wanting to come home and just switch off and give my head some peace so I have to admit I fdreaded deep and meaningful conversations and tended to get quite defensive as I felt like my head was being continually battered.

Lack of sex was an issue. Most of the time I felt knackered and frumpy and just wanted to feel comfortable and relaxed rather than sexy.

Problem was, as it was something I didn't want to think about, the subject being brought up just made things worse, not because of him as such but because it was the last thing I wanted to think about and began to feel very self conscious about it and like sex was the ultimate issue etc...

After a while I was pressganged into going to see Relate which just didn't work for me, as they said to me themselves, as I was there for him not me. That just made the issue even worse.

I loved him so much and it wasn't personal, just the way I felt about myself.

[Eve]

Ok, my tips from another perspective...

1. Don't make it a massive issue so he feels that without sex your relationship is nothing, it will just encourage negative feelings towards it.

Make sure he knows it's intimacy as in cuddles and special time together and feeling loved so he feels like it's more about love and intimacy than a physical need for sex itself. Also make sure it's both ways that you want to cuddle etc... him and make him feel loved as well as the other way round.

2. Unfortunately it was us splitting up which actually gave me some time and space in my head and peace from being nagged (don't assume that what you mean by what you say is how he interprets it - my ex sees helping where I see nagging) about the issue. It made a HUGE difference in how I felt. Get him to have some him time. Not just together time and work time but time with his mates and just him time.

3. Don't assume he is doing it wilfully or purposefully, it can be very much self conscious and he may feel as lost about the situation as you do and not know what to do or how to change the way he feels.

4. If trying to increase his self confidence make sure you don't inadvertently knock it eg if you suggest he gives himself more time to make more of an effort with himself to feel better he may see that as you think he looks a mess now and it may knock his confidence even more.

5. Ask him how you can help him best and listen. You might see it as you're helping but the way you put it he may see it as being nagged etc... Talk and come to some compromise about how you can say what you mean in a way that won't make things worse and then he will know you don't necessarily mean things how he interprets them.

I do hope you find happiness together :)

[Eve]

Sorry, just another thing (am on a roll now!)...

I don't know if he is anything like this but I have finally come to the conclusion that, albeit optimistic generally, I am do not switch off.

I've been told this so many times but one thing that changed for me recently was I tried Kalms tablets.

I have had a serious wake up call and was shocked at how much it showed me just how manic I make my life. I don't stop, I don't let myself switch off, I just go, go go though it is targetted at things like work leaving little room for much else in my head.

I'm always rushing from one place to another, things constantly going through my head and push push pushing myself.

It's not an ultimate fix but may be worth considering if stress is an issue.

I have to admit I wasn't overly receptive to having them suggested to me but I can honestly say I'm impressed.

[do-not-know]

Hi R

Have you had a health problem which may make him feel that he should protect your body from intimate situations? Wife has had two breast cancer problems and struggles to feel as much a woman as she did. I reacted with as positive an approach as I could but feel on many occasions that the loss of her breasts left me less chance to give her the physical climax I wanted to give her. Hope you don't feel this reply is offensive as it is a genuine wish to help. It just left me feeling a bit low when the moment did not happen. Luckily it does just about enough times but it did make me feel at times that it might be best not to get into the situation to find out.

Keep strong and it will come together for you both.

D