Family Member Gave Up Children

[mountainboo]

I have a family member who gave up her children in order to pursue a life of partying approximately 10 years ago. She has allegedly suffered from a mental illness for the past few years which is known as Personality disorder and depression. However these have been switched on and off at will during this time.

Another family member has raised her children who are now in their teens and whilst one of them is back with her (permanently resides in his bedroom playing computer games), the other is still with the other family member. This person has had two further children within the past year with the most recent child being born just two months ago.

She has recently begun drinking alcohol and (we have learnt) cut her wrists, which required hospitalisation and stitching. She claimed she couldn't cope. I'm sorry if I sound callous but I am enraged by this as it is repeat of the behavior she exhibited shortly before giving up her previous children. I must add that she is selfish beyond belief, to the extent that she regularly puts herself before her children. From the moment she gave up her children 10 years ago she has systematically verbally abused the family member that she gave her children to, which is clearly an emotional displacement. Her relationship with her children is more like a best friend relationship, infer from that what you will!

Most other family members are afraid of her and therefore avoid telling her some home truths. My husband has disowned her as a sister and the rest have distanced themselves. She has counsellor's that are incompetent and always tell her what she wants to here and her recent 'accident' hasn't even given social services a cause for concern. Why is this?

[karenmac60]

You seem a little unsympathetic towards mental illness mountain.

[mountainboo]

I am sympathetic to mental illness Karen, however when someone switches it on and off at will, the sympathy dwindles somewhat. I just can't understand why the poor children seem to be neglected in favor of addressing her 'mental illness'.

[ChocolatChip]

I disagree with you Mountain, how can you be absolutely certain that she is switching it on and off? You can't possibly know whats going through her mind, and do not know what happens behind closed doors. People can seem perfectly normal and yet are complete falling apart inside.
Her behaviour in my opinion, the partying included appears very destructive and therefore gives evident to her attempted suicide. And by the sounds of it, you and your family have been completely unsupportive and closed minded.
I think it would be of more use for you to support her in getting more help than just a counsellor, maybe medication and a psychiatrist.
She seems a very poorly woman, and I am horrified of your treatment and insensitivity.

[ChocolatChip]

And whatsmore, you wouldn't want her to have her children with her if she is in this kind of state anyway, she made a good choice to let them go to someone who can take more responsibility.

[jno]

well, perhaps someone could answer mountainboo's question instead of criticising her family? Should this woman be receiving treatment?

[ChocolatChip]

I did suggest that she should be receiving treatment other than just counselling.

[ummmm]

Are you sure this isn't a case of post natal depression? She gave up the children because she couldn't cope...then lives a destructive lifestyle because of guilt. Now it's happening again....similar scenario.

Have you contacted SS yourself?

[Dee Sa]

she obviously cant cope and two children within a year would be trying for someone without mental problems, does she have a partner to support her ? Surely Social Services are involved ?and if not get on to them and make loud noises as to why they are not involved more. Who had the new babies whilst she went to hospital with her wrists cut ?
I feel sorry for you mountainboo because you show that u care what happens to the kids.

[trionam]

Chocolatechip I dont think it sounds like the family dont care at all the fact that someone in the family has been taking care of her kids for ten years while at the same time being abused by this woman for doing so to me shows care,maybe they have distanced themselves because they can no longer cope with her,obviously the counselling is not doing her any good I cant see what else the family can do. I feel sorry for you and your husband moutainboo it must be awful to watch young kids mixed up in all of this.

[mountainboo]

Thank you all for the kind and supportive words. Choclatchip, you clearly fail to see that we HAVE supported her for years, to the extent that other family members can no longer cope emotionally as it is affecting their own unit; we all have children and it has been extremely difficult to shield them all from her behavior or the consequences of it. However, it has been necessary to distance ourselves as we have a duty to protect our own children. My husband is going to contact SS. She has had various so called professional help but without success.

Choclatchip, recently she had her house fumigated and because she was pregnant they advised she stay away so she went and stayed in a 4 star hotel and left her 8 month old baby with her partner in the house while it was being fumigated!

Her eldest daughter rang her to ask if she could visit while the baby was at nursery, to which her Mother replied 'No, it's my day off'. Now, these are some of the mildest examples of selfishness she has displayed.

[Nosha123]

I think there is a whole lot more here if you read between the lines - and far from Mountainboo being unsympathetic I think this woman is simply a bad parent .... or the worst kind.
Sure she could be bipolar - but therapy and GP's would have found some kind of treatment for her mental illness by now... she clearly doesnt give two Mangetouts about her kids and has pursued a life of partying and shagging without thinking of the consequences hoping that everyone else will pick up the pieces.

It sounds like a car crash of a life and innocent children are being dragged into it - and probably know their mother doesnt give a Sugar about them.

Even someone who is depressed can demonstrate love to their children.

I speak from having an 'in-law' who people make excuse for.... oh its not his fault he's like that, he's ill, he doesnt understand.
*** - he does - he's just a nasty person!

I think there is a whole catalogue of detail that we are not hearing here from Mountainboo

[STIDW]

It can be very difficult dealing with a family member who has a mental health problem and no one should be blamed for giving up. Sadly someone who has a personality disorder may not be in a position to alter their behaviour and depression, switching on and off, lack of empathy, promiscuity, alcohol abuse, attempted suicide etc can all be part of the condition.

Why do you say the counsellor is is incompetent and think social services should be concerned? The way counsellors work is to validate how people feel, build a trusting relationship and then explore different ways to move forwards. The Children Act 1989 lays down the circumstances under which it is appropriate for social services to be concerned. Any risks are balanced against the strengths (including measures that might be put in place) to determine whether parenting is "good enough."