"The bathing suit"

[Jemisa]

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman ?)


When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.

They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice, she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt,

coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill

Department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the

added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks.

Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I

twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.

It took a while to find the other.

At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.

The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.

I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it.

The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides.

I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain,

"Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of

an oversized napkin in a serving ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like

Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finlly, I found a suit that fitted, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.

It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I thought to myself.. When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans & a T-shirt person!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.





Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!!!!!

[Quassia]

Fantastic Jemisa ... enjoyed that! ;0)

[Jemisa]

This really isn't a joke so no need to send the 'Joke Police. in.
but I know there's always ONE that will argue.

Enjoy. - Jem.

[Euphemia]

I hope you enjoy it after all that - I understand the problem too well!

[jackthehat]

Gosh........that's a long post.

[Bobbisox]

Hi Jem, I thought this was really good too
Thank you x

[SlackAlice]

just fell of my chair, pmsl

should not laugh really, you sound so much like my OH

[rowanwitch]

for future reference try german companies they still do boned/wired/engineered cozzies

[Quassia]

It's a great piece of writing that deserves credit in a womans mag Jemisa! To be honest I thought you'd cut & pasted it from an aticle! x

[Quassia]

sorry 'article'

[jackthehat]

To be fair, Quassia, I don't think jem is claiming it as her own...

http://www.sparkpeopl...l.asp?blog_id=4252850

[Maydup]

oHH empathy from one who can't make it into shorts let alone a bathing suit.

Have a lovely summer Jem, whatever you wear.

Fantastic post

[Quassia]

Ah sorry,
getting it completely wrong aren't I ! ;0) x

[Davethedog]

Thank you for bringing a smile to my day.

[Jemisa]

To be honest this was sent to me by a friend in Oz. It was too good not to share. I did C&P it.
To be truthful I empathise with every word.

jem

[Safiya]

aww its bad you couldnt find what you were looking for jemisa, but you will probably be much more comfortable in your cut offs and tshirt ...far better than bulging out unsightly and scaring small children and stuff :)

[Dee Sa]

this reminds me of my mum& grandma who used to patonise Spirella corsets ! there was a discreet Spirella sign on the front of the house and by appointmant only the Spirella lady used to take their measurements and send them away and when the said corset was ready they went back for a fitting and adjustments, both of them used took like trussed turkeys ! now when you see this "modern corsetry" on QVC and similar you realised how
uncomfortable these contraptions must have been, now I come to think of they were probably bullet proof without knowing so.

[Jemisa]

Yes Dee, you reminded me too that my mother had a lady that came round to measure & they were locked in the front room for ages. My brothers and I were forbidden to enter.

jem

[welshlibranr]

really enjoyed reading this Jem, haver no fear, you'll see far worse than you on the beach!.........no worries!.....