I don't like my step-daughter...

[Meg888]

Not very nice, I know, but it's how I feel about her at the moment. I've been with her dad for 7yrs since she was 8 and she's now 15. He has an 8 yr old son and I have a 14 yr old daughter - both of whom are great and well behaved. My step-daughter used to be so sweet and considerate - now she's just spiteful and selfish. Her mother is a nasty, manipulative sort with no respect for my partner, and she is turning exactly the same way. She talks to her dad like he's scum, expects us to cater for her every whim and then goes off on one big style when it doesn't go her way. I keep telling myself it's her hormones, but all I see when she acts like this is her mother (we've had loads of problems with her over the years, she's really bitter and calls my partner names to the kids). She has been like this for about 3yrs, so I suppose it does tie in with her hormones, but now I'm at the stage where I've had a rage simmering in me now for almost a year with her. I don't argue with her, I tend to just keep my mouth shut because if I blow with her - the whole street will know about it! but it infuriates me the way she treats her dad, our house and sometimes my daughter. She comes in looking down her nose at us and it's now starting to cause countless arguments between my partner and I, as he seems to be terrified of upsetting her. We even almost broke up over it at one point, which is not fair, because this aside, we are very close. I'm getting to the point now, where I'm looking forward to her getting older and hopefully she wont want to come up as much (we live 30 miles away from them - but they stay 1 night per week). She has never been treat any different by me to my daughter, they all get the same treatment for birthdays etc., they each have their own room in our house and we respect their privacy, and I ensure my daughter does too. Any advice on how to go forward on this will be appreciated, as I dread each weekend she comes and I feel like I'm having world war 3 with her in my head!! TIA

[ummmm]

Hard, but I wouldn't let her round unless she changed her attitude. Hormones might make her moody but there is no excuse for disrespect. If my children spoke to me like scum (they wouldn't) they'd be sitting on their own in their bedrooms. I'm not sharing the social part of the house with people that have no respect for me....

[LoftyLottie]

True ummmm, but Meg888 has the problem that she can't stop the girl coming round because she is her partner's daughter.

At only 15 it is not surprised that she is still influenced by her mother and probably has been since she was 8. That, combined with hormones and the fact her parents split when she was 8 means she has a lot to cope with.

In my opinion it is the job of the girls Dad to sit her down and give her a really firm talking to and let her know that he doesn't intend to put up with her behaviour and unless it changes he will have to seriously consider that she doesn't come to the house any more and that the two of them just meet elsewhere. He may be hesitant to do this in case he loses his daughter permanently, but if he doesn't he may well lose you. You are there for keeps, but children grow away from home anyway.

[ummmm]

Well, yes....it's his job but they are a family unit.

You don't pussy foot around 15 year olds. Give them the rules...they are old enough to stick to them.

[LoftyLottie]

I agree about pussyfooting ummmm, but ground rules are often broken by 15 year olds, and the same 15 year old mostly to grow up to be very nice young adults. It's the nature of the beast. I certainly tried my luck at that age. I wasn't rude or obnoxious though (I hope)

[johnk]

Meg, it's up to her Dad to be firm with her, spoiling her won't gain any respect. He needs to be firm but fair, don't make any threats he isn't prepared to carry out. By being afraid of losing her he's turning her into a spoilt brat and that won't do her any good in her future life he would be better off losing her temporarily until she grows up and realises what life is all about.

[LoftyLottie]

I would never in a million years denied my son access to my home unless he had committed dreadful crimes.

[ummmm]

That's the difference. Pushing the boundaries and talking to your parents like scum, are two different things.

[LoftyLottie]

It's not an unusual scenario for youngsters to try and manipulate a parent and partner. That's what she is doing manipulating and it needs to be taken in hand. I agree with John.

[LoftyLottie]

Lovely posting Doc. And you are so right.

[johnk]

Someone agrees with me!!!!

[LoftyLottie]

:o) Doc x

[Meg888]

Thanks for your replies, some great advice (as per on here). Her dad has spoken to her many times, he's a bit like me, he simmers and then boils over. But when he has, she takes it on board for the time she's with us, but by the following week - or mid-week, when she's asking for her next whim, it's gone completely out of her head. To be fair, if either of us were to stop her coming up, her mother would probably stop the little boy - she's very counter-active like this. She's stopped access many times in the past for petty stuff, and takes total control over christmas visits and holidays - even refusing outright if it doesn't suit her. So, rightly or wrongly we tend to not rock the boat in that aspect. I did make an attempt to take her in hand couple of weeks ago, I stamped my feet and told her how she'd made me feel all year and that she was not to ask for any favours/friends over or changes to the current visit situ (she often does to suit herself) for the rest of this month, basically giving her this time to reflect on her attitude, and if she bucked up we would then re-consider. She appeared to listen - until the following day when she had left, she then text her dad if she could have a friend over next visit!! I couldn't believe the gall of her - we had a massive row and fell out for days. I do have to say, a lot of the frustration I feel lies with her dad as he will literally pick the kids up, then drive all the way back to either pick up her friends or drop them off at her will, bearing in mind we live 30 miles away, so it's an hour and half round trip to do something like this and our fuel costs are enormous anyway. He insists he is not afraid of upsetting her, but yet he cannot seem to put his foot down. He would not let his son or my daughter get away with even half of this - which has also caused problems, because he will pull my daughter up on the pettiest of things, but not his? Arrggh! it drives me nuts, I could literally walk away from it for a peaceful life!

[Snafu03]

Step kids can be a minefield, especially when the reach these difficult years. I have the same problems as you and I know many do. My step daughter lives with us full time and is 16.

I expect my own daughter (6) will also be hormonal and difficult at that age too. But the difference is with your own kids you have the natural paternal/maternal instincts to pull you through the difficult times. Also you know deep down your own love you - tbh I'm really dont think my step daughter does.

[sara3]

you should both sit her down and talk to her.. and if you can't keep a lid on ranting and raving, you're not setting a good example. show her you're a solid unit, and that in your house she will show some respect. there must be rules, and your partner has to show that he's not intimidated by her.

otherwise, she wins.

[piggynose]

i didnt know there were 2 docs in ab
lol

[Noraq]

I was a step daughter from hell..to this day I cringe at my antics. I did it because I was allowed to. Eventually my step mother told me there was no love lost on her part either,..but for the sake of my father she would be civil to me and expected the same courtesy from me, she refused to have any further dealings with me until I mended my ways.
In fairness..my father agreed that if I could not behave in a civilized way I could not stay over anymore. I flounced at the time..but I got over myself quite quickly.

[Meg888]

Thank you so much for all the advice. And thank you Noraq, it's refreshing to hear it from a stepdaughters' point of view. I may take that route with her, and tell her it is only her Dad that we have in common - it may have an effect on her. Me and her were very close at one point (I have a very good bond with her younger brother also), so I don't think she dislikes me any more than her Dad. It's just a shame, as she had many of her dad's caring, considerate qualities yet as she grows she shows more of her Mum's maliciousness - particularly toward her Dad, who has never let her down, yet her Mum has many times. I know deep down she would be devastated if I cut her off, so it may work. Thank you all again.

[Nosha123]

not read the other posts here yet - but what if - instead of boiling over... speak to the other children - ask if they like or dislike her behaviour and what they think of the way she talks to the dad.
Then call a family 'crisis meeting' and get everyone around the table.
Tell her you are happy to treat her as an adult if she so wishes - when she starts behaving like one herself! - but in your house you dont treat people like she does. Get the other kids to put their point across too - (assuming they agree with you on it all!). Ask why her behaviour is so rude when the other kids are not. Tell her its unacceptable and from now on lack of respect and rudeness will be punished. It has to be nipped in the bud or else she'll become worse!!!!