The Answerbank Radio Show - Episode 5

[mrs_overall]

In the village of Answerbank Under the Wold (twinned with Chernobyl), crowds of sightseers lined the banks of the River Cess and Ms Humbersloop's pedallo business was doing a roaring trade. Word had spread of sightings of the rare (and previously unheard of) Cess dolphin, and a dorsal fin was moving sluggishly through the water. Muttering into her regulator, Ms Divegirl was cursing Ms Humbersloop as she shivered in her wetsuit, struggled to adjust the plastic fin tied to her back and tried to avoid being mown down by the pedalloes on the surface.
Over in the shop cum post office, Ms TTFN approached the counter. "Cooee, is anyone there?" she trilled.
"Yes, what can I get you?" said a voice.
Ms TTFN peered over the counter where a miserable looking Ms Craft stood.
"Good grief, you've shrunk again, you must be down to 4 foot now."
Ms Craft burst into tears. "I am fed up. I am shrinking an inch a day and as if that wasn't enough, that China Doll is claiming to be my daughter Chardonnay and I don't believe her" she sobbed.
"Look, why don't you go see Rowanwitch at the Body & soul Holistic Centre and Owl Sanctuary. She is very good with spells and might be able to help you. She made a love potion for me and it worked a treat...sort of. If only the object of my desire had drunk it instead of Mr Moonraker " scowled Ms TTFN.
Ms TTFN scurried over to the village pub to join her fellow lap dancers, Starbuck, Ann & Kiki who were sitting with Eccles & Traci from the village massage parlour. All six women were unable to work as they were amongst a group of villagers suffering from a plague of boils. She quickly relayed the gossip to the girls. From the corner, Ms Vodkacoke (still out on bail and not yet convicted) piped up "Why don't we go upstairs and search ChinaDolls's room, look for clues?"
"Oi, you lot, don't even think about it. This is a reputable establishment" said Ms Gness from behind the bar.
As soon as her back was turned, Ms Vodkacoke slipped out of the room and in a flash was upstairs, armed with her lock picking tools. Five minutes later she was back in the bar and with a shake of her head said "No clues in there."
"This is an easy one to solve" slurred the voice of Alba, the village alcoholic who was under a table near the window. "I went to school with Chardonnay Craft and in the showers after PE we all used to admire her birthmark. It covers her left buttock and it looks like the face of George W. Bush"
Just then, the women saw ChinaDoll enter the pub and head straight upstairs for her room.
"We need a diversion" muttered Vodkacoke.
Taking a swig from her bottle of Creme de Menthe, Alba slurred "Leave it to me".
Crawling under the pub tables, Alba reached the corner table where the village grump sat. With her lighter, she managed to set the corner of his newspaper on fire.
"My Daily Mail, my Daily Mail" he shrieked "I've only just finished highlighting it." As Ms Gness sprayed him and the paper with a soda syphon as Vodkacoke and TTFN sneaked out of the bar.
"Room service" said TTFN, watched by a bemused Tonyav the plumber who was working in the boiler room opposite. As Chinadoll opened the doo,
r the two women bundled her back into the room, shouting "Get your clothes off now."
"Yesssssssssssssss" shouted Tony "Girl on girl action." He jumped up with excitement, banged his head on the boiler and slid into unconsciousness.
Over at the Body & Soul Holistic Centre & Owl Sanctuary, a nervous Ms Craft was explaining her problems to Rowanwitch.
"Being short must be hell, but I can help without a spell" intoned Rowanwitch.
Drawing herself up to her full height of 3'11" Ms Craft looked hopefully at her.
Leaning forward (and down) towards Ms Craft, Rowamwitch said
"I'm off for a visit to the loo, and then I'll tell you what to do."

(cue theme music as episode ends)

[tenrec]

mrs_o. Bl00dy marvellous.

[Kiki-frog]

Excellent again, Mrs O, keep it up. But how did you know about my plague of boils? Extraordinary.

[Barmaid]

Mrs O, you SHOULD write a book!

[tenrec]

Barmaid, she is. This is it!

[mrs_overall]

Barmaid, there is a role for you but your client isn't due in court just yet

[SlackAlice]

When's the next episode?

[mrs_overall]

There is an episode every Wednesday and Saturday

[gness]

MrsO. These are getting better and better! You must have a whole room devoted to plot boards and post it notes or a flipping good memory!
You can have free access to my purple, furry handcuffs if you consider my request re. Dolly Parton.x

[Barmaid]

I think they should have their own section so we can quickly find all the previous issues because it is hilarious. A bit like AB Iplayer.....

Ed?

[gness]

Oh yes Barmaid! I keep going back and reading again for the giggle. Better than a tonic.

[mrs_overall]

Gness, worryingly, it is all in my head.

Once again, apologies to those wanting a role who have not yet appeared. I have so many plots and sub plots going on in my head I can't fit everything and everyone into one episode

[gness]

Hell`s teeth MrsO! What if you are rendered unconscious by a Whitby seagull? What will we do then? Have you looked at your will because in the event of........there will be ructions over the rights to these and Barmaid has the advantage?

[mrs_overall]

Addendum to the last will and testament of Mrs Overall

In the event of my unforseen death by seagull, I hereby bequeath the ownershop and rights of the Answerbank Radio Show to

squawwwwwwk.........thud

[mrs_overall]

*ownership*

[Barmaid]

That won't work Mrs O. I already have an original document witnessed by Buenchico and Buildersmate............ ;)

[gness]

Dear Mourning Abers. Just before the unfortunate incident with the motorised seagull MrsO confirmed that my part in this epic production will be played by Dolly Parton. Get off the bar Tony and DT....those cleavage enhancing mirrors are quite unnecessary.

[mrs_overall]

Dammit. I am going to seek advice from MY legal expert, NewJudge

[mrs_overall]

Gness, I am only dazed. It turned out to be a sparrow.

For your role I was thinking more along the lines of Bet Lynch from Corrie

[gness]

said Barmaid.....unaware that Ms Gness was slowly winding up the motorised seagull in the bushes behind Barmaid Chambers.

[gness]

Sparrow????????????????? I ordered a blOOdy seagull. Sodding internet.