What Is This That I'm Experiencing?

[Nicole_99]

Hi. I've been feeling really strange for the past 2 1/2 - 3 years.. I really want to go see a therapist or a professional who can help me and figure out what's going on, but my fear and anxiety of being put on meds or being put away for a bit seriously scares me. I've already been diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety and ADHD, and I'm worried that I could have developed or even have a personality disorder or mental disorder.. But here's what I've been feeling. I'm sorry if this is really long. I'm going by detail.
I noticed about 3 years ago when I first did spice and had a nightmarish experience with it (never did it again) I felt really strange afterwards.. I didn't feel like my old self. I felt disconnected in a way I can't really explain and I'm still feeling it. It's getting worse it seems. (And I am more prone to sinus infections. All I have is sinus infections now. I don't know if that makes any difference or not.) Now a days I feel extremely disconnected; my thoughts don't feel like they're mine. I always feel like I'm in a constant dream, and when I dream at night, the dream itself feels more like reality than real life that we all are living. I wake up and nothing seems real and my memory seems to be getting shorter and shorter.. It's even worse when I'm in a stressful situation. When I feel stressed, anxious, extremely mad or upset, or even extremely happy it's like I black out and I feel as if I'm dead or in the middle of a bad dream and then I don't really remember it. I never feel normal anymore.. I don't feel life. I can't explain it as much as I feel it.. Days are going by so fast anymore and I wonder if I'm just stuck in a bad dream and this is all fake. Sometimes I actually convince myself that I'm dead, that I'm just living an after life. I don't wake up feeling every detail, feeling alive and well, being able to fully see things and remember things.. It's kind of like a thin sheet over my eyes. I see everything but I just feel this warm, dead, missing out, empty feeling and it really gets to me.. I want to get better. I want to be fully happy. I want to be able to remember things whether they're good or bad. I just want to live life being able to feel things 100% like I used to.. And I can say that I'm honestly scared to go to bed every night, especially when I'm really feeling disconnected.. I feel like my body will give out on me and just stop functioning. There has been a few times where I don't wake up. I woke up to my mom screaming my name and violently shaking me almost crying because I wasn't moving or responding. And another time where I fell into a really really deep strange sleep during class and it took my whole class of around 25 to wake me up by yelling my name because my teacher couldn't wake me up. And then the most recent time was when I fell asleep at my boyfriend's house and he came in his room and spent a good 15 minutes trying to wake me up by shaking me and poking at my face and I still wasn't fully there. BUT. There was one thing I do remember about the ties between those experiences.. I didn't remember falling asleep, I dreamt of nothing, and after I woke up I felt drained and like I was shutting down.
I always have strange feelings about things.. it's like I can feel things that aren't there and it got to the point where I was hearing voices and feeling like someone was following me, as if someone was right behind me like breathing on my neck for about 5 days. It got so bad that I would not turn around and I never stayed in a room alone because I heard and felt things.. I was scared to look behind me and I was scared to sit alone because I didn't want to know what voices I was hearing was saying. I know it was a figment of my imagination, but it scared the living hell out of me and I can't deal feeling all these things every single day. I just want to enjoy life. Thank you for anyone who reads this and answers respectfully.

[pixie373]

This is difficult, as you've already been diagnosed with 3 separate conditions- all of which affect your way of thinking. Are you saying you're taking no medication at all? I can only suggest you go back to your doctor and explain everything. I was scared of taking antidepressants- but i can honestly say they gave me my life back. There could be something else there, but you need to speak to the GP first and try their advice. Good luck.

[pixie373]

Btw, you will not be "put away". They cannot force you to take medication either, but i suggest you just listen with an open mind x

[Old_Geezer]

No expert but to sounds like you have mentally clicked into an altered state of consciousness. I have had short periods in the past when things seem remote to me and the world intense, but you seem to have dropped in there as a longer term thing. (A bit like always not having had enough sleep, almost.) I suspect your other issues may be causing you to be more anxious about it that you otherwise might, which could bring on other symptoms. For certain the way forward is to let the professionals diagnose what and what causes as then you can make progress getting back to a more comfortable way of experiencing the world.

[pastafreak]

Mhave a look at this... http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociative-disorders/#.U1N-dnlwaaw
My first thought was some kind of dissociative disorder. I don't know much about them but some of your description

[waterboatman]

I agree with pixie Nicole. You cannot deal with this on your own. I recommend you go to your GP and tell him/her exactly what you've put on here. Nobody can make you take meds or put you away. You do need help, but you know that don't you.

Please go to your GP soonest. You will be pointed in the right direction and will get the help you need. Good luck. :o}

[pastafreak]

...some of your description related to things I've read in the past.
Do see your doctor,as there is certainly help available.
Also...you mentioned that you 'did spice'.....is that a reference to some sort of drug? Never heard of that before.

[EDDIE51]

There is no chance of being 'put away' so stop worrying about that.
The one aspect of this that really does need investigation is the deep sleeps that you go into where it is so hard to wake you up. You need to se a doctor about that urgently. Everything else is very likedly to be related to the sleep problem.
I am wondering why the sleep problem has not been investigated yet, are you in the USA? If so I can understand that the cost of medical help may be a problem. But this does need urgent investigation by a doctor.

[Graham-W]

from Wiki regarding "Spice"
"Synthetic cannabis may precipitate psychosis and in some cases it may be prolonged. Some studies suggest that synthetic cannabinoid intoxication is associated with acute psychosis, worsening of previously stable psychotic disorders, and it may trigger a chronic (long-term) psychotic disorder among vulnerable individuals such as those with a family history of mental illness."

It's important you see your Doctor ASAP. I doubt one session with Spice would cause problems but it's important you come clean and tell your doctor about it. It may be a factor for him to consider.
I'm sure you will get help from your doctor if you follow his advice and any drug regime he prescribes for you.