Christmas segregation?

[Minxie]

Hi all, Am I being unresonable? my boyfriend has kids from his marriage. I too have kids. (his live with his ex wife, who he doesnt get on with) He wants to spend christmas with me and my kids. So he is included with us. But he is having one of his kids (he has 3) 2 of them wont see him, down for his own private christmas and us not included. From tomorow until late Christmas eve.

He wants to spend christmas and boxing day with us, then again go off and spend 3 days next week, just him and his son again. Am I being a bah humbug on this one?

[woofgang]

depends a bit on how new a gf you are with repect, and how long your bf has been separated from his wife. How old is the child he is going offf with and do you and the child get on, also your kids? IMO in any break up the children are the most important people, maybe its what the lad needs.

Christmas is an emotive and difficult time. It sounds to me as though you haven't really discussed this or you are not satisfied with his reasons so....not bah humbug but maybe a little hurt and needy yourself?

[funnywebsite]

Maybe its the kid that wants him on his own. Sometimes you have to let him go and do it. He is probably being pulled two ways but I would say it won't hurt to let it happen. Try and get him to bring him round and get to know him better and he might like you and want to spend the following week at your house instead of going off somewhere else.

[WendyS]

I know you probably feel hurt about this, but if his son doesn't see his dad often, it's not unreasonable for them to want some private space together. It sounds as if he already has a difficult situation to cope with if two of them won't see him. so he needs to nurture what little relationship he does still retain.

Perhaps he hasn't explained his reasons and emotions clearly to you on this issue which might have helped you feel less used. Are you a single mum, or is there a father in the background in your family who is also trying to juggle relationships with his children?

Perhaps you should try and live with it on this occasion but if you're still together by Easter, maybe this is the time to try and play things a little differently and bring him and his son into your home for the celebrations.

[Minxie]

Thanks for your advice. Woofgang, this is our 4th christmas together. So its not a new relationship. For some reason I dont see much of his son, as he does tend to keep his weekends with him, to himself. Whereas he sees me and my children as much as he wants. Wendy S, yes I am a lone parent. Divorced. So is my boyfriend. And yes his son and my kids get on fine together. I just get tired of this segregation bit. I dont think its his son who wants his own time with his dad so much. I do think though that because the other two wont have any contact with him, he over compensates with his youngest, who is almost 12. Spoils him, so it gets back to the other two and winds them up. I have tried to talk to him about Christmas, but he is a stubborn man, who wont meet half way.

[Jodge]

Hi Minxie

As a parent and step-parent it can be a difficult time. although after four years together things should be improving on the family front. I take it you don't live together? Unfortunately this is one these 'arguements' that need to be had! If he is truly committed to you and your children he will make the effort to impress on his own kids how important his life and relationship is with you. Both sets of children can only benefit from a loving, solid environment. As always, we are all afraid of being hurt and let down, in many cases not for the first time. Merry christmas and good luck for next year.

[jugglebubble]

follow your instincts

[woofgang]

hello Minxie. Given the circs I think that jugglebubble has a good point. Would suggest in the interests of your children's Christmas that you leave it till New Year. And a happy New Year to you and yours

[Minxie]

Thanks again for all your help. Jodge I totally agree with everything you said. And I have made this point to him on several occassions. So thank you for your advice, and for reaffirming what I have thought all along. Jugglebubble yes I will. And Woofgang very sound advice. I wish my boyfriend would really listen like you all have. A Very Merry Christmas to you all. xx

[sunnyside]

I might add that maybe your boyfriend gives his son some extra attention and gifts for the season, and he doesn't want you or your children to see it or feel offended by it.

It also may be a tradition that bf isn't willing to give up. It doesn't really make merging of two families very easy though, and isn't that the final goal of being together? I think it should be. If he spends other times with him alone, Christmas is meant for family, I think.

How would he feel if you did the same? What if you decided not to let him be included in Christmas? Not that you should do it, but it would be an point to make so he could see it your way...

[Minxie]

Thank you sunnyside. Some points you made are true. My boyfriend is a very complicated man. And this whole segregation thing (it involves holidays too!) has probably worn me down a bit. And I have invested over 3 years of my life with this man. My children included. Yet he still separates his kids and family events. Think maybe 2006 will be time for me to move on. Find myself a bit. Like myself a bit, as all this has made me feel very inferior. Merry Christmas to you all xx