Funeral/Cremation Etiquette

[chokkie]

Hi folks, we are attending the cremation of our friend's late mum in a couple of weeks, and have also been invited to the wake at her house nearby the church. Never been to a cremation before, nor a wake - should we take something as a sort of "hostess gift" (for want of a better expression). Not sure what to do, so would value some guidance, please.

[Xeronema]

Sorry for your loss.

For every cremation I've been to, there have been instructions included - the most common one being about the flowers and whether non family members should bring any. They may ask for a donation, either for a charity, a hospital, etc.

It's difficult to go wrong, unless they specify for you not to take something with you. I know my answer probably isn't the best. Luckily for me, I know there are plenty of people on AB that will have better insight into this.

[LadyCG]

No, you don't take a host / hostess gift. It's not a celebration. There will be instructions regarding flowers and / or charitable donations from the Undertakers on behalf of the family but other than that you don't need to do anything except be there and dress respectfully.

[chokkie]

Thanks folks, that is so helpful. We have been invited to the cremation and the wake by our bereaved friend, so perhaps might not get to see any instructions from the undertakers, but your guidance is really helpful. Cheers, Chox.

[Xeronema]

The way I usually 'look at it' is that there will be plenty of flowers there, so unless someone has asked you to bring flowers, I probably wouldn't. I've never been to a cremation/funeral where there hasn't been a donation box/plate or instructions on where the family would like a donation to be made.

You could always prepare a speech for at the wake. Once you get to the wake, you could ask if you could be permitted to say a few words. If they'd rather you didn't, nothing is lost. If they are happy for you to do so, you'll be prepared. Obviously that's only if you want to do that in the first place.

[rowanwitch]

A condolence card if not already sent, especially if you knew the person who died well enough to ad d a personal memory is nice, don't make a thing of it, just leave it where they will find it afterwards. Something I do is about a month later I send a small bunch of flowers or a plant just to say they are still in my thoughts. Everyone else will have got on with their everyday lives so knowing their loss isn't forgotten is often welcome.

[Boto]

Been to lots of cremations and wakes. Don’t take anything apart from a donation to a charity if one has been requested.

[DTCwordfan]

Is there a notice in your local newspaper for the funeral, details as to flowers and charity are often there.

[Maydup]

Don’t take anything at all, be there as support for your friend. No speeches or gifts just a friendly smile and a gentle hug if appropriate.

[barry1010]

You might be surprised at how the atmosphere at the wake lightens after a while, with the mourners sharing good memories and good times - and that is how it should be.

[roopower]

Sorry for your loss. As has previously been stated, if the family wanted anything in particular regarding flowers, donations, dress code they would have let you know. The last cremation I went to we were asked to wear something purple, the diseased favourite colour and give donations to her favourite charity. Usually now it is family flowers only, if you like donations for whatever charity either to undertakers of donation plates in the crematorium. You do not need to take any form of gift for the family but I usually send a card or write a note as soon as I hear of the death, sending my condolences.

[calmck]

Sorry for your friend's loss. You can always contact the funeral home for details re flowers or donations. I also send a plant to the family about a month later and if they have a garden one that can be planted should they so wish

[Vagus]

All the funerals we have ‘hosted’ no one has brought anything on the day, and no flowers at our request. Some, but not everyone, have donated to a requested charity.
Some people brought us flowers or a plant for the garden a week or so later which was a nice thought.
As for what to wear, it made no difference to us what people wore, the main thing is they came. Not everyone wore black, I don’t think there are dress codes these days unless a particular colour is asked for.

[Ken4155]

If the deceased is of Irish stock, you may be required to 'bring a bottle or two'.

This from the late comedian Dave Allen;


"A very important part of the Irish way of life is death. If anybody in the world dies, that's the end of it, they're dead. But in Ireland, when somebody dies, we lay 'em out and watch 'em for a couple of days. It's called a wake.
"It's great, it's a party, it's a send off. And the fellow is laid out on the table. And there's there's drinking and dancing, and all the food you can eat. And all your friends come from all over the place and they all stand around the 'wake' table with a glass in their hands, and they say, "Here's to your health."
"The terrible thing about dying in Ireland is that you miss your own wake. It's the best day of your life."