ChatterBank1 min ago
Is it possible to get someone to find you attractive again?
24 Answers
Recently my husband had an affair. We've been together for 6 years and married for almost 3, have an almost 4 year old daughter and I am 33 weeks pregnant. I was devastated when I found out, but after 4 days of living with her, he came back to me. We talked and talked and talked. We realised that our relationship had become somewhat stuck in a rut and we had both stopped making the effort for each other. We both want to make our marriage work but....
He also said he had got bored with our sex life and that he thinks "monogamy" is boring and wants to start "swinging" - something which actually appeals to me. He thinks he might get a kick out of seeing me with another man (or woman).
But something else he said is that he no longer finds me attractive. As you can imagine this was like someone sticking a knife in. He says I have no self confidence any more and haven't done for a long time (before the affair) and I'm really not sure what to do about this.
Is it possible to start feeling good about yourself again and to become attractive and sexy to someone again? If this is the case, how do you go about it?
He also said he had got bored with our sex life and that he thinks "monogamy" is boring and wants to start "swinging" - something which actually appeals to me. He thinks he might get a kick out of seeing me with another man (or woman).
But something else he said is that he no longer finds me attractive. As you can imagine this was like someone sticking a knife in. He says I have no self confidence any more and haven't done for a long time (before the affair) and I'm really not sure what to do about this.
Is it possible to start feeling good about yourself again and to become attractive and sexy to someone again? If this is the case, how do you go about it?
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Not a nice situation to be in really!
90% of looks, is confidence. The confidence you have in yourself mirrors in the way people look at you. If you have more self confidence, it will show and this is what your husband wants to see. If you just think positively, everything will be fine just don't get yourself down about the situation it will just make matters worse, be confident in yourself.
90% of looks, is confidence. The confidence you have in yourself mirrors in the way people look at you. If you have more self confidence, it will show and this is what your husband wants to see. If you just think positively, everything will be fine just don't get yourself down about the situation it will just make matters worse, be confident in yourself.
Vicki87 are you mad 'don't get down about the situation'?!!
Otrere, he has to take full responsibility for you having no confidence look at the facts a) he had and affair b)....while you were pregnant! c) he moved in with another woman e)he's told you he no longer finds you attractive f) he wants to 'swing' g) he wants to see you have sex with someone else.
I'll tell you how to start feeling good about yourself again DITCH THIS TWO BIT LOSER and find someone else who actually finds you attractive and sexy without having to watch you having sex with someone else!!!!
Good God girl! you may have a child and be pregnant but you are a warm and wonderful human being who deserves a lot more than this 4r5e is ever going to give you. He is so self centred he is never going to change, look at him - he has an affair and has blamed you! Listen to me it is not YOUR fault.
Tell him to take a hike.
Hug to you and good luck with everything xxx
Otrere, he has to take full responsibility for you having no confidence look at the facts a) he had and affair b)....while you were pregnant! c) he moved in with another woman e)he's told you he no longer finds you attractive f) he wants to 'swing' g) he wants to see you have sex with someone else.
I'll tell you how to start feeling good about yourself again DITCH THIS TWO BIT LOSER and find someone else who actually finds you attractive and sexy without having to watch you having sex with someone else!!!!
Good God girl! you may have a child and be pregnant but you are a warm and wonderful human being who deserves a lot more than this 4r5e is ever going to give you. He is so self centred he is never going to change, look at him - he has an affair and has blamed you! Listen to me it is not YOUR fault.
Tell him to take a hike.
Hug to you and good luck with everything xxx
When I was pregnant, I had no self confidence and still lack in it deep down.
I would separate from him if I was you, have your baby and wait at until your baby is at least 6 months old (enough time for you to start regaining your figure and your self confidence) before you even consider taking this ******* back.
He says you have no self confidence, what does he expect??? He told you your unattractive!
He only wants to swing so he can sleep with other woman and get away with it, in other words he wants to have his cake and eat it. He gets all the home comforts of washing and ironing etc and still gets the thrill of the chase without you leaving him. It sounds fantasic!
If you want to do the swinging scene, research it first and stay safe.
I don't think that him or swinging is the solution to your problems.
Good luck with your new baby though.
I would separate from him if I was you, have your baby and wait at until your baby is at least 6 months old (enough time for you to start regaining your figure and your self confidence) before you even consider taking this ******* back.
He says you have no self confidence, what does he expect??? He told you your unattractive!
He only wants to swing so he can sleep with other woman and get away with it, in other words he wants to have his cake and eat it. He gets all the home comforts of washing and ironing etc and still gets the thrill of the chase without you leaving him. It sounds fantasic!
If you want to do the swinging scene, research it first and stay safe.
I don't think that him or swinging is the solution to your problems.
Good luck with your new baby though.
Hellion I really appreciate what you are saying and can see that my question has got you quite angry and frustrated.
The thing is, he does tell me that he loves me! There's a lot gone on in this situation including threats to our lives/harrassment from the woman he was seeing (but authorities are involved so I can't go into too much detail) which had made him realise where he wants to be and given him a huge wake up call as all of our lives were in danger - its made him see who he does love. Bad that it had to happen that way, but its done the trick.
But actually I might want to have sex with another woman. Like I said the idea of "swinging" appeals to me. I just really need to know how I go about giving myself a boost again and wonder if that will re-boost our sex life...?
:o(
The thing is, he does tell me that he loves me! There's a lot gone on in this situation including threats to our lives/harrassment from the woman he was seeing (but authorities are involved so I can't go into too much detail) which had made him realise where he wants to be and given him a huge wake up call as all of our lives were in danger - its made him see who he does love. Bad that it had to happen that way, but its done the trick.
But actually I might want to have sex with another woman. Like I said the idea of "swinging" appeals to me. I just really need to know how I go about giving myself a boost again and wonder if that will re-boost our sex life...?
:o(
Well Otrere,
You are with a real confidence booster aren't you, if you really want to know what I think,well here goes, he is a loser he does not deserve you, changing partners for sex ? will that solve your problems?,it is more deep rooted than Sex, I think that will cause problems,he sounds jealous of the new baby, he had an affair to boost his own confidence,but he puts it all on you, Get rid of him, he is dragging you down, I think you will feel much better if you get Him out of your life,he is A loser and a user, I could go on for ages, you sound like a real stunner to me,and there are loads of others out there who will love you for what and who you are, good luck, Ray xx
You are with a real confidence booster aren't you, if you really want to know what I think,well here goes, he is a loser he does not deserve you, changing partners for sex ? will that solve your problems?,it is more deep rooted than Sex, I think that will cause problems,he sounds jealous of the new baby, he had an affair to boost his own confidence,but he puts it all on you, Get rid of him, he is dragging you down, I think you will feel much better if you get Him out of your life,he is A loser and a user, I could go on for ages, you sound like a real stunner to me,and there are loads of others out there who will love you for what and who you are, good luck, Ray xx
Otrere, I do realise that each relationship is different but looking at yours purely from an outside point of view it doesn't seem as if he cares about you very much, what he is asking does not seem the act of a man who loves you and is sorry. Sweetie if you are TRULY happy to do what he is asking you then do so. But if you have the slightest doubt say no - because if it goes wrong it will destroy your confidence totally.
I hope all goes well xxx
I hope all goes well xxx
-- answer removed --
Otrere ...he is a sad git.
He lacks self esteem and feeds off others. Him putting you down builds his energy and esteem. Its a common tool used by such people to build there own esteem.
Get away from the negativity, and surround yourself with positivity and positive , genuine people and you will rise back up.
He lacks self esteem and feeds off others. Him putting you down builds his energy and esteem. Its a common tool used by such people to build there own esteem.
Get away from the negativity, and surround yourself with positivity and positive , genuine people and you will rise back up.
Otrere, For F*** sake wake up.
you are being taken for a ride by this P**** you call a husband, He's not fit to be called a man let alone a husband. just get rid of him ''NOW'' He cheats on you then swings it around to make you feel guilty, if you have ANY commonsense whatsoever, you will get rid of this complete jerk, i know it will be difficult with the situation you are in at the moment ie pregnant, but you are being played ''BIG TIME'' just wake up and smell the coffee before its to late.
ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER
you are being taken for a ride by this P**** you call a husband, He's not fit to be called a man let alone a husband. just get rid of him ''NOW'' He cheats on you then swings it around to make you feel guilty, if you have ANY commonsense whatsoever, you will get rid of this complete jerk, i know it will be difficult with the situation you are in at the moment ie pregnant, but you are being played ''BIG TIME'' just wake up and smell the coffee before its to late.
ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER
OK, your husband *should* have told you how he was feeling before resorting to having an affair with someone, but you've talked now and I wish you the best of luck in ironing out your problems.
I agree with vicki87, confidence makes you attractive to your partner. Arrange to have your hair done, a manicure and pedicure. Go clothes shopping! There's some wonderful maternity clothes out there, it's not flowery dresses anymore! New clothes makes you feel good about yourself, and in turn that will shine from you. Also start buying new clothes in preparation for getting your post pregnancy figure back too :)
Go out for dinner and a night out (not necessarily a nightclub or anything) with your female friends. With your new do and clothes, you're naturally confident and this in turn will turn male heads. Now, we know you're not out there to pick up a man but a smile from a stranger gives you such a boost, and of course, you'll have been having a laugh with your friends, which will release the endorphins and you'll go home to hubby glowing.
As for spicing up the sex life, there's nothing wrong with swinging. One couple I am friends with have been doing it for around 2 years now and have had no ill effects BUT please hold off with it until your relationship is solid again, as it will possibly lead to further problems while you're trying to work things out right now. In the meantime, start spicing things up just the two of you in the bedroom. For you, buying erotic fiction will give you so much more ideas of new techniques and it's fun to read too!
The mind/imagination is the most powerful sexual tool and you should both use it. You both have a mobile phone? While he's at work, text one another all day as a sort of foreplay so that by the time he's getting home from work, you will both be so fired up (arrange for your parents to have your child for the night!).
I wish you the best of luck
I agree with vicki87, confidence makes you attractive to your partner. Arrange to have your hair done, a manicure and pedicure. Go clothes shopping! There's some wonderful maternity clothes out there, it's not flowery dresses anymore! New clothes makes you feel good about yourself, and in turn that will shine from you. Also start buying new clothes in preparation for getting your post pregnancy figure back too :)
Go out for dinner and a night out (not necessarily a nightclub or anything) with your female friends. With your new do and clothes, you're naturally confident and this in turn will turn male heads. Now, we know you're not out there to pick up a man but a smile from a stranger gives you such a boost, and of course, you'll have been having a laugh with your friends, which will release the endorphins and you'll go home to hubby glowing.
As for spicing up the sex life, there's nothing wrong with swinging. One couple I am friends with have been doing it for around 2 years now and have had no ill effects BUT please hold off with it until your relationship is solid again, as it will possibly lead to further problems while you're trying to work things out right now. In the meantime, start spicing things up just the two of you in the bedroom. For you, buying erotic fiction will give you so much more ideas of new techniques and it's fun to read too!
The mind/imagination is the most powerful sexual tool and you should both use it. You both have a mobile phone? While he's at work, text one another all day as a sort of foreplay so that by the time he's getting home from work, you will both be so fired up (arrange for your parents to have your child for the night!).
I wish you the best of luck
Dakota, has Otrere husband asked you to post on his behalf.
Have you ''ANY IDEA'' what damage this id doing to the children, you put yourself in this situation and tell me you would'nt have an issue with it.
Sometimes i question in life what people say, and your response to this question beggars believe
Have you ''ANY IDEA'' what damage this id doing to the children, you put yourself in this situation and tell me you would'nt have an issue with it.
Sometimes i question in life what people say, and your response to this question beggars believe
whatever floats your boat as far as swinging goes, although i will never understand it personally, but to do this sucessfully, he has to still find you attractive.Swinging, as far as i know, is about a couple doing what woks for them, they have to be very solid in their relationship for it to work. He is using swinging as an excuse for sex with other women, not as a past-time you would share as a couple. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. What the hell is wrong with the man, you are carrying his child for christs sake. You definately DO need to get a bet more self esteem to realise that he is taking you for a ride on this one. Sorry to sound harsh, but men treating women like this really pi$$es me off, he is taking advantage of your vulnerability!
Otrere I have to agree with the others. You are worth so much more than this selfish , disgusting man. He simply does not deserve you. I know it's difficult when you obviously love him and there are children involved but he will pull you down to gutter level and you will only end up feeling worse about yourself if you don't get out now. He has absolutely no respect for you - how could he when he says that he does not find you attractive anymore (yet was more than happy to father children with you) and seems to justify his infidelity by saying that he got bored and feels that the solution is swinging ? Unbelievable ! I know that you say that this is something which you could consider but could you really ? If you found it difficuly enough to hear that your husband had cheated on you , could you really give him the green light to sleep with countless more women ? Call me old fashioned but I couldn't bear to think of my man with anyone else and I don't think that our relationship would survive something like that. It's a dangerous road to go down because you sound fragile as it is and something like this would only dent your confidence more and I believe that instead of getting the love which you crave , you would recognise that all you were getting is cheap , meaningless sex with people who don't care about you or your feelings. Is that enough for you ?
I say ditch the creep and move on. It will be tough at first but you will bounce back and wonder why you ever even considered taking him back. Take time out to discover who you really are and what you want from life and concentrate on quality time for you and your kids before you think about diving into a relationship with anyone else. Pamper yourself and spend lots of time on making yourself feel good. Surround yourself with people who care about you and focus on YOUR needs -not your poor excuse for a hubby's needs. I hope it all works out for you x
I say ditch the creep and move on. It will be tough at first but you will bounce back and wonder why you ever even considered taking him back. Take time out to discover who you really are and what you want from life and concentrate on quality time for you and your kids before you think about diving into a relationship with anyone else. Pamper yourself and spend lots of time on making yourself feel good. Surround yourself with people who care about you and focus on YOUR needs -not your poor excuse for a hubby's needs. I hope it all works out for you x
laurence, no he hasn't, and I *know* how damaging your partner having an affair is, my ex husband did it to me and *I* tried to work it out with him. He told me a lot of the same things as what her husband has told me.
Does it ever occur to you that there was a breakdown of communication along with the breakdown of relationship?? Things being left unsaid to one another until something like this happens??
Who are we to sit and tell Otrere to tell someone she loves to **** off?? Why can't she try to repair her marriage?
In any case, she didn't ask us whether she should leave him, she asked us how she can build her confidence and become attractive to him, and I answered as such.
Does it ever occur to you that there was a breakdown of communication along with the breakdown of relationship?? Things being left unsaid to one another until something like this happens??
Who are we to sit and tell Otrere to tell someone she loves to **** off?? Why can't she try to repair her marriage?
In any case, she didn't ask us whether she should leave him, she asked us how she can build her confidence and become attractive to him, and I answered as such.
Totally agree with you Dakota
And as for the swinging....well if that's what floats your boat, it's not illegal and no one gets hurt, what's wrong with it. We all have our different sexual fettishes so why not live them out.
Good luck Otrere, hope you sort things out enjoy the swinging if you decide to do it.
And as for the swinging....well if that's what floats your boat, it's not illegal and no one gets hurt, what's wrong with it. We all have our different sexual fettishes so why not live them out.
Good luck Otrere, hope you sort things out enjoy the swinging if you decide to do it.
I think enigma has said something very important in her reply; that you need time to discover who you really are and what you want out of life.
Sexual experimentation of the type envisioned by your husband can only work if both partners are strong enough characters to cope with the mishmash of feelings that will arise in such encounters and you seem far too vulnerable to enter into such relationships at present, if ever.
Such behaviour rarely solves an existing problem, but it can all too readily magnify and increase the tensions in a partnership. Please take time for yourself and ask why your husband is acting in such an uncaring and manipulative manner at a time when you need more, not less emotional support.
In all honesty, I cannot see your relationship lasting and think you would be better off with someone more loving and thoughtful.
Sexual experimentation of the type envisioned by your husband can only work if both partners are strong enough characters to cope with the mishmash of feelings that will arise in such encounters and you seem far too vulnerable to enter into such relationships at present, if ever.
Such behaviour rarely solves an existing problem, but it can all too readily magnify and increase the tensions in a partnership. Please take time for yourself and ask why your husband is acting in such an uncaring and manipulative manner at a time when you need more, not less emotional support.
In all honesty, I cannot see your relationship lasting and think you would be better off with someone more loving and thoughtful.
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