Recovering Alcoholic

[luv2luvSum1]

I recently started dating someone who is a recovering alcoholic. He's been clean for 3 months. He's having a hard time but he seems to get through a lot of things. My question is, would it be too much for me to try and persue a relationship with him? I dont want to get in the way of anything.

[coggles]

If you think that he may be, or, become very special to you and you can be strong and help him to be strong, then I would say 'go for it'. Lots of people have hard times and experiences and choose their own way of dealing with them. Sometimes it only takes a special person to help them get things into perspective and set them on the straight and narrow. Good luck.

[minibb]

.. but don't be too optimistic either. I've been there and it was hell, despite how much I loved him. Al-anon would provide you with some realistic information.

[archbishop]

I agree with coggles as usual.Go for it.

[Miss Zippy]

Sorry, I disagree. I know lots of people will disagree with me, but you will save yourself lots of heartache if you do not pursue this relationship It's romantic and idealistic to think you could be the one to help this person, but I speak as someone whose dad is an alcoholic and has been before I was born (28 years ago). My mother, being a na�ve 20 year old in love thought she help him overcome his problems. The upshot is, he still has a drink problem to this day, despite having periods of up to two years when he has been 'clean'. (My mum and dad divorced when I was little due to the drink problem.) I'm not saying you're na�ve, but do go into it with your eyes open and expect the worst experiences you can imagine. If you really want to put yourself through that, then all I can say is good luck and I hope you're one of the lucky ones.

[minibb]

I completely agree Miss Zippy. I certainly wouldn't say "don't" and I wouldn't say that the person should be simply disregarded BUT be wary. You are in the early stages of the relationship, that's good, but don't EVER feel an obligation to that person when it comes to the alcoholism - IT will never feel obliged to you. Hope I don't sound bitter because actually I'm not, but I think that love and a sense of protectiveness overruled my own interests to myself. Your question was posed as "you getting in the way" - please think of yourself. When we got together my partner wasn't drinking. You may be "lucky" and it stays that way fro your person, but remember also that being with a recovering alcoholic also affects how you live with alcohol (I used to feel completely guilty having a glass of wine and would not do it in front of him - not very "normal" life?) By the way, I am still with the person, he is still drinking, and I still love him. But with what I know now, I might have given myself more attention too.

[minibb]

ps. the fact you are asking this question surely indicates a reasonable amount of doubt on your part already?

[luv2luvSum1]

minibb- I do have doubts, Im afraid that in the long run i will fall for him and if he drinks again it would be a hard decision to make whether to leave him or not. I really like him and we are having a good time together, he's taken me to open meetings so I understand more of his "world". He's really focus on staying sober which I admire. I guess doubts are always present in all relationships, so Im just going to take a risk and hope it goes well. ..Right?

[coggles]

I think the fact that he has confided in you and is taking you along to meetings speaks volumes. Just take one day at a time, as he should do, BUT, if it ever ends in violence, just the once, get out - FOR EVER.

[Janetex]

All any of us can do is to take each day at a time. If you like this chap give it a go, but hasten slowly. The next chap you meet could be diabetic, terminally ill, bisexual, mentally ill...... Did someone say "Men are like a box of chocolates"?????

[Hippy]

Dear luv2luvSum1, what a dilemma! I have been sober now for 4 years, and of course, I'm going to say I'll never drink again, but in this life you never say never.

That old "one day at a time" is so true, not just for recovering Alcoholics. Here are some important points to look out for:

• To be truly sober means NO substance crutches;
• The recovering person has to take strength from an outside source;
• A newly sober person requires to avoid old associations with drinking;
• This means relinquishing old friends and forming a new support circle;
• Once sober the recovering person has to face up to harm they have done;
• Sobriety reveals the underlying problems inferiorities and vulnerabilities that drinking masked. These have to be worked through and resolved.

Not exhaustive, but a start. Be prepared to help your friend through these and other dark times.

If your friend has really owned up to the problem and can make a serious contract with you (and more importantly with themself) to stay sober then there is hope.

I think it will work wonders if you are without any substance crutches (drink, drugs, tobacco etc) so you can provide a temptation free environment and mentor.

If all goes well with you and your friend you will gain loads from helping others in similar situation in the future when you are both strong in your friend's sobriety.

[melandraf]

Be like him - take it one day at a time.

[archbishop]

5 stars for Hippy.

[boviner]

hello you wont get in the way of anything but be there for him and the most important thing is that you do not drink in his company or have drink in your place or anywhere near him because this is temptation and he may succumb to it there are more ways to enjoy life than looking down the end of a bottle, i have been there, i have not had a drink for nearly twenty five years and dont miss it but i am still on my gaurd. and dont be fooled if you have the slightest inclination that he has had a drink i,m afraid you will probably be right he is not fooling you he is fooling himself so walk away and let him rock bottom or he will drag you down with him. i,m sorry to sound so callous but i am giving it to you straight, if he really loves you and wants to make a go of your life together then he will stop if he doesnt he will just use you as a crutch.good luck to both of you . kind regards from ken.

[Kaia]

Hi. I was wondering how things are going/went with your boyfriend. i am in the EXACT situation you are and feel the same way--i don't want to be in the way. Please let me know how it worked out!

[Jenmac]

Hi there - I see you have lots of answers but i'll share my experience with you. I am in love with a recovering alcoholic and I asked myself the same question. I don't know if he will fall off the wagon or not, all I can do is be there for him if he does and hope he will get back up and fight again. Alcoholism is a disease - he can't help it. You have gone into this with your eyes wide open - no secrets - you know its there. Be there for him and be more tolerant of him than you would for other boyfriends - you will have to be. Read up as much about alcoholism as you can. It helps if you understand. The way I look at it is this - if it feels right - take the risk. Without taking risks in life you may as well curl up in a corner. Do what makes you both happy and hope. No-one knows what's around the corner in any relationship. Best of luck xx