Money and Relationships - Help!

[FTVS]

I have had a major falling out with my husband. He is dreadful with money and I am very organised. Every month he spends all his salary (not an insubstantial amount) within a short space of time and spends the rest of month broke. This often leads to him asking to borrow money from me. I have been unhappy about this particulalry as he now budgets to my pay day on the assumption taht I will lend him money to tide him over until his pay a week or less later. This month I lent him �100, �15 friday, �85 sat afternoon. On monday he asked that I buy him lunch as he had no money, I refused on basis he had chosne to blow that money in the pub and he would have to live with the consequences. Last night (he gets paid today) he came home drunk and advised me that as he no longer had to 'keep me sweet' he could tell me exactly what he thought of my behaviour. Not a pleasant conversation which ended with me leaving the flat and staying with a friend. My question is not who is right and who is wrong, I accept that I let this situation develop over several years and it is no doubt shocking to him to have me put my foot down and finally say NO MORE! My question is am i right to 'tough love' this issue - do I stick to my guns? What are other couples views? money is very high on the Top Ten arguments list I know so I would appreciate some feed back.

[incitatus]

i think you should stick to your guns on this one. he must learn, and his behaviour is not acceptable in the slightest. I have no problem with helping out my other half, as i earn more than she and london is expensive, but she does not spend anything like that quantity of money in two days, and normally i get it back . if he cant budget he has to go poor. make sure there is food in the house, but that is all. I am sorry that you had such a bust up over it but i think it was a long time coming. good luck.

[gilf]

I would say definatly stick to your guns.

[woofgang]

I am a bit concerned about the coming home drunk bit. I am not trying to egg you on to do anything, but really seriously, are you sure that it is safe for you to stay with this person? His behaviour appears to me to be borderline abusive. Yes I like a drink and yes I have blown money in my time, but even today, spending 100 quid (plus his own earnings) in the pub, even in London probably takes some doing. By all means tough it out but please also think about making a contingency plan in case it all turns nasty. Last (really nasty) thought from the sad experience of a dear friend, consider lodging your valuables, cheque book, unused credit cards etcetera with a friend rather than keeping them at home for the time being... I really hope things work out for you both.

[woofgang]

PS I am in a couple, have been for nearly thirty years, we have pulled each other out many of holes including financial ones and yes we have occasionally disagreed over finance and other things. The root of all partnership success is trust and respect for each others feelings... you shouldn't have to toughlove each other, especially over something this important

[Roxy]

Even if he was drunk, the fact that he could say "now i no longer have to keep you sweet, this is what I think of you etc....." would indicate that he really has been taking advantage of the fact that you care about his well being so greatly and you choose to lend him money. Sit him down and ask him if you lost your job how would he react? You need to know if he's only with you for the favours or whether he's there for the long haul. Also remind him that money doesn't grow on trees and that sqaundering it all down the pub is a ridiculous habit.

[FTVS]

Thank you so much for all your supportive answers. Woofgang, one thing I will say to his credit is that he is not a physically violent man. I am going to stick to it even though I am now currenlty accused of "tight"... Roxy yes believe me, that really hurt... I'll keep you posted. I am not closing this string however as I would be interested to hear a reasoned argument from anyone who disagrees with me.

[sft42]

I think the very fact that you have chosen to air this on here is more important then the origin of the arguement itself.....are you looking for justification for your actions, or moral support to perhaps go further?

As for the actual dilemma you don't say what your joint financial commitments are...do you live in his flat? Do you share the bills as you certainly don't seem to have a joint account? Perhaps if this is the case or maybe if he's paying some of the bills then he sees this as your contribution? I really don't know (and as no-one else on here does, including me, I would ca' canny) but doesn't it say something in the vows about "bestowing all my worldy goods"? and I do mean that for both sides?

Lastly, do all your discussions with sober heads as drink, regardless of any implications of violence or not, will not help with clear thinking.

[FTVS]

sft42 - we own our flat jointly, i calculate all monthly outgoing and he gives me half. You're right about my reasons for posting this on both counts.

[woofgang]

You say you lend him money...does he pay you back?

[sft42]

Look, you know your own situation and your own mind better than anyone on here ever will......All we can do is voice our thoughts....Personally one of the things I was looking forward to about being married was the cheque boook with both our names on it and the whole thing of being together, it sounds to me as if your partner couldn't be trusted to have this sort of a set up......What did he manage to spend �85 in one day on? If it was a one off purchase then ok but from the info given it seems he is not at all prudent with the cash....maybe he would be better suited tyo the old method used in glasgow...the man comes home gives the wife his pay packet to run the household and she gives him his pocket money to spend on his own from that?

Regardless I hope whatever happens it works out for you.

[incitatus]

as a point sft the man endows the woman with worldly goods, the woman vows to obey the man- in the cof e traditional service anyway. women were not seen as owning property as this would have been technically difficult until more enlightened times (how can property own property?). also anyone who goes into a relaationship of any kind and opens a joint chequeing account is completely insane imho. talk about asking for trouble.

[treaclefight]

all very negative isnt it. just for the record me and other half earn vastly different sums of money and have vastly different opinions about how money is spent, despite this we manage a joint account, pay the bills between us and manage not to argue. only this afternoon he 'popped out' with mate and came home having spent �1500 on new tyres for his car. he knows full well that this irritates me, and i know that it only irritates me coz im jealous. but then he knows that what i really value is the opportunity to spend some time relaxing with a good book, ive just wandered down from the bedroom to my dinner which has been cooked for me and the house seems to have been tidied up and the kids are in bed. not a word passed between us. he knew he'd taken a liberty, i knew i was owed a liberty as a result, if your in it together for the long haul then you have to have confidence that it will all even out in the end. everynow and again i have a little credit card binge, he opens the bill, purses lips slightly,says nothing, pays and comes home to special nice dinner etc etc.i suppose what im suggesting is that your partners lax attitude to money would be forgiveable if you felt it was made up for by him directly, or if you were alllowed to be lazy on some other count, truth is we're not you so we dont know. the best of us can fall out over finances and i think this means that the finances are the bad thing, not us, dont let em beat you.

[coggles]

When my husband and I got married (after only 1 year together), I earned more than him. We pooled our resources and opened a joint account. Now, 11 years later, I am a full-time mum and he is the sole earner (until I go back to work). We still have a joint account, which I do most of the managing of, but we are both aware of what goes in and out of the account. It's what my parents do but his do not after many, many years of marriage. It's what you feel most comfortable and secure with - having your own account or a joint one. As SFT said, only you can decide. I would be more worried about his comments to you while he was drunk. Hope you sort him out soon.