Long Lost Friends and Relatives

[VillageVicar]

Is there anyone sitting at home stewing because they haven't heard from a relative or friend for a long time? And rather than not picking up the phone to call them, you've decided that you're not going to waste your time as THEY ought to be the ones who should call first?

[idly_enjoys]

Facebook, email, messenger and Bebo are all good sites to combat this problem i have had in the past.

[laurence2]

I have not seen or spoke to my brother for 4 years.



Thats because he is a robbing B@$^&% and i never want to see or hear from him again.

So stewing over him i'm not.


And Vicar.


I'm not the forgiven type

[legend758duo]

vicar
ive always found that a cotradiction within itself.

long lost friend.
if they are indeed long and lost then perhaps they werent suich a good friend ?
u see my point?

none im expecting to hear from.
and im sure theres noone waiting to hear from me either

[confused79]

I have done this recently, well messaged my brother who i haven't seen in about 5 years, i found him wheni was 18 after 14 years.

He went off the scene again of his own accord, he had a lot os issues to deal with and i told him i would always be there for him. There was only so much i could do, at the end of the day he is an adult, i have messaged him through friends reuinted and facebook - which was recently and no reply, so what can i do.

Also i found my dad after 20 years 4 years ago! and it was me who was looking for him.

I also have 3 half siblings i have been trying to trace too but i find some people dont like bringing up the past.

Its hard for me but ive lived with the not knowing for long enough now to live some more not knowing wont hurt.

[VillageVicar]

Laurence: Do you think he has ever thought of contacting you, but was too ashamed?

Confused: you may be right about the discomfort with bringing up the past. Perhaps that�s something you can address in a letter, by saying that all you wish for is to move forward?

I realise this can be an emotive issue for many.

Fr Bill

[O'Reilly]

I contacted two long lost relatives and one gave me a stilted conversation and promised to call back (they never did) the second apologised for not keeping in touch and said they did not want to speak to me again and hung up on me. If its a long lost relative then let them go as if they wanted to contact you I am sure they would.

[browneyedgir]

confused79 - are you and me the same person! Pretty much identical to you!

[VillageVicar]

Thanks idly...I'm not looking for mechanisms for finding people, but more trying to understand the dynamic of when people choose not to remain close. It just seems so often that I face families who have these gigantic 'I wish' stories to tell me when I'm arranging a funeral for the individual they had not heard from for ages. Clearly, it's too late and the emotions attached to this event become another one of those jars of sorrow that ends up on someone's shelf of life. I never stop being surprised by it.

Fr Bill

[laurence2]

V.V.

Do you believe that a ''Cat has 9 lives''


Well my brother surpassed a ''Cat with 9 lives'' 4 years ago

He's not got a ''Cat in hells chance'' of me contacting him


The game is well and truely over for him

[VillageVicar]

Hey Laurence: Indeed, I�ve heard this story so many times. .. from both sides of the equation. I buried a chap last week and recall how challenging�no, impossible it was to get anyone in the family to give me even a scintilla of fond memories about the man. When I feel there�s discomfort among family members, I�m quite straight forward in saying �look, if he was a right *******, then tell me this, as I have no problem saying it in the service!� I never want to represent someone differently than they were. It isn�t fair to the families and it makes the entire funeral process a truly hypocritical farce! Still, no one said a word.

However, as the families and visitors moved out of the church, his daughter came up to me and whispered �thank you. I finally feel free. He raped me when I was eleven.� And before I could utter a word, she had let go of my hand and almost ran down the steps to her car.

Clearly, this situation was different than most I encounter. Nevertheless, I find myself in the midst of a sea of regrets more often than I could ever imagine. It reminds me always of the frailties of the �human condition.�

Fr Bill

[confused79]

browneyedgir ooo i dont know , did you find your dad then after so long, ??? how did it go???

[HomingPigeon]

Fr Bill, are you really a vicar? I ask because there seems to be so many people on Answerbank who pretend to be someone else (no offence intended).

[VillageVicar]

Homing: Yes, I am. This question relates to a sad event:

http://bigworldsmallboat.blogspot.com/2006/04/ when-friends-and-family-are-needed.html

And I don't quite know why they have come in such rapid succession, but I've had an extremely large amount of funerals where people have expressed regret in having not been able to tell someone that they love them. This is what prompted my question today.

I wish you well

Fr Bill

[HomingPigeon]

Thank you Fr Bill for your reply. One thing I find strange about the human race, is that so many people have had a fall out with a member of the family, and no longer speak. Lots of families have this happen, and I find it very sad, and a terrible waste of friendsip.

[browneyedgir]

bonfused79 - met my biological father for the first time in my life 2 years ago (when I was 26). He wasn't interested in learning anything about me and just rambled on for a few hours about himself and was horrible about my mother and grandparents (who actually brought me up) so I left.

A few months later he contacted a daytime tv show to reunite me and his three other children to which I declined but was able to meet my two half sisters (neither of them knew about me either!).

My two half sisters and I met up but haven't kept in touch as at the time of meeting I had a bit of a drink problem and didn't portray myself in a very good light. Would love to meet them again (no idea as to whereabouts of brother) but don't think they want to so am respecting their feelings.

[VillageVicar]

Browneyed: I'm sorry to hear this .May I ask please, are you 'clean' now? If so, perhaps this is now the time to write all whom you care to, and state unequivocally that you are clean, you realise how your addiction has affected so many and you wish to unreservedly apologise. And I would stress how you feel the bond of family is sacrosanct and should be preserved at all times. Adding to that theme, it can also serve as a buffer to suggest that you meet at a 'common denominator' location, rather than a home location. This can often buffer any concerns they may have of the possibility of being caught in a difficult situation.

I wish you well

Fr Bill