Listener 4848 Return By Dysart
Crosswords0 min ago
Are we taking a break, or over for good?
15 Answers
A week ago I broke up with my boyfriend, he initiated the split for various reasons (problems with family, his job, court case, not being happy in the relationship etc) at first saying he wanted to simply remain friends, and then he said he just wanted some time to think about what he wants, a short break rather than a permanent break-up.
He isn't sure how long he'll need, maybe a couple of weeks, maybe a month, he can't say how he'll feel. He also said he may miss me like mad, or he may find he's happier by himself.
The thing is, the relationship problems he's talking about are due to lack of communication on both parts. One thing happened (he wasn't answering his phone all night, and called at midnight to say he'd been looking for an old friend he'd not thought of in 2 years, some girl) I was upset, he didn't see the problem, and everything else has stemmed from there.
Would talking about the initital problem get us back on track, or is 3 months of unhappiness too much to undue?
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I read an article recently in a magazine (might have been a sunday colour supplement) about a book called "It sounds like he's just not into you"
Basically the premise is that when people are in a relationship and behave in ways that indicate to the partner that they don't care, then the most likely reason is that actually they don't care. (see how careful I am not to be genderist)
You know more of the situation than I do because I only know what you have posted but it does strike me that this may apply to you??
That's awful, I really do feel for you. I kind of went through a similar thing a couple of years ago. My boyfriend was having financial problems and problems with his family, and for some unknown reason he was feeling paranoid and thought I was cheating on him! I stayed with him and even went to the doctors with him, he was put on medication for stress. He then said he loved me but didn't want to see me until he was feeling himself again as it wasn't fair on me, this really hurt me as i'd seen him everyday until then. But I must admit I only didn't see him for a few days and he phoned me up and wanted to see me. He had not eaten for days and found it hard to even try and eat, I still don't know to this day what was so bad that it made him like that! But we had always had lack of communication, in my experience men find communication harder than women do. They keep things to themselves and shut us out! In your situation I wouldn't stand for him just saying he doesn't know when he'll be ready to see you, I would feel like he was taking me for granted. In relationships it is best to let eachother in to every part of your life, and work through things together. Tell him you want answers, don't take any sh*t and that was out of order going seeing a girl especially after he won't see you!! Tell him you are not prepared to wait around only to be disappointed at the end of it all. It kind of sounds like he wants to experience a single life to see which he prefers. Sorry to go on but it's hard to say what's best to do really, everyone handles these situations in different ways, all I know is I wouldn't put up with the way he is being. Good luck
Have you been together long? You mention �3 months of unhappiness� but I don�t know if you mean you�ve been together that long or the relationship had been in trouble for the past 3 months? Either way, it could just be his way of letting you down gently. If a guy wants you, you will know about it and he will not leave you dangling and make excuses that he has problems and needs time to sort himself out. Assuming you haven�t been together too long and don�t have any commitments together (house, children etc), I think you�re better off walking away as it doesn�t sound like he cares about in the way he should.
Ask yourself how much you want him. Wait for him to get back in touch, when or if he does, find out what he has been doing in the time he has been without you. If you can live with that then talk about whatever you want and see what happens. If he doesn't get back in touch forget him, no point in flogging a dead horse.
Men don't generally respond to pressure, so firstly if he needs space try and just give him space - don't call, text or see him. as someone else said - it's not good enough for him to dictate the relationship and it can't be an open ended timescale for him to find out how he feels. I'd agree with that you have a two week break - and again within that two weeks don't contact him - go out with your girl friends.
If at the end of the two weeks, he doesn't want to be with you then you have to try and console yourself that it wasn't ment to be. If he does want to be with you, then there is some work to be done regarding the communication problems, which he will have to accept.
However - have you hear the song "I've had a little time (to think it over" - maybe you'll find that you're happier on your own too! good luckx
I dont know your complete situation but the fact that you are considering waiting three months for him to make his mind up tells me you are willing to wait for him out of the loyalty you had when you were a couple. But I think you must be realistic. In my opinion this is a guy's classic way of telling you that he wants to move on, but because he is not completely sure what he wants he keeps you,'dangling on a string'. My advice to you would be to remember the good times you had and move on. For a proper relationship to work you must want each other.Every relationship ends for a reason and who knows if you decide to move on there could be someone out there that you really want and who wants you. In relationships you should never settle for second best because you are better than that.
Hello, how long had you two been together? Reading some of the other posts i feel a bit bad about what i'm going tosay, but i really think you should move on. My ex did something similar to me, not only did i enjoy my time away from him but i realised that i wasn't willing to go out with someone for for one, ****** reason or another didn't want to go out with me - why should you wait around for him to make up his mind about whether he wants to be with you or not? he either does or doesn't, and i'm not sure if he thinks this is a gentle way of breaking up with you or is genuine but i would be very annoyed at him saying he didn't know how long - what are you supposed to do wait weeks/months for him to go 'actually no i like being on my own'. get out there and enjoy life and with any luck you'll find someone who wants to be with you.
I have to agree with kestrel here. I did the exact same thing to an ex boyfriend and to be perfectly honest I asked for the break because I was unsure if I actually wanted to be with him at all. I kept him dangling for a while to make sure that I was happy enough without him before finally telling him it was over. I dont regret the decision to break up but I regret hurting him the way I did. Its unfair of him to expect you to sit around and wait while he decides if he misses you like mad or is happier without you. And going looking for another girl he's been thinking about? Thats not right at all.
He may have some problems but when you're in a relationship, a problem shared is a problem halved.
Good luck honey xx
My brother in law's girlfriend of 4 years said this almost word for word about 8 months ago. She said she wanted a break and kept saying it was just for a week, then it was 2 weeks, then a months, After 3 months they did get back together. She just needed a chance to step back and see what she had and whether it was what she wanted. After some space, she realised she did. It has revived there relationship no end. My B-in-L was miserable for a couple of months as he didn't know what was happening, but it isn't always bad news. I hope things go well for you.
Whilst I sympathise with your current situation can I just point out that everyone who has posted an answer on here has hung drawn and quartered this bloke before even hearing his side of things. Everyone (including yourself) has naturally assumed that this guy had the intent of cheating on you with this 'old friend'.
Men and women do things in different ways, that is plainly obvious and has already been mentioned on this thread. Have you considered the possibility that he doesn't realise that this might not be the best way to deal with things before everybody judges him as a b*stard?
Men generally aren't as quick to communicate as women are as was said earlier but they are also generally not as quick to jump to conclusions and judge people either.
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I know exactly what you are going through.I had been in a relationship for 18 mnts where I was loved and adored one day and asked for space the next over and over and over.We split up in Sept but since that he constantly called,texted and visited almost every day.We were really still having a relationship without the label on it and the commitment involved.I made excuse after excuse for him and his behaviour.I was blinded by love.But the whole thing made me more and more confused and upset and unhappy.It has literally only been this week that I have realised that I have to start thinking about me!Its taken me a long time for that to register.The arrangement your boyfriend is suggesting is all about him and what he wants and what he needs.But what about you and what you want and need?You are probably like me and you want a loving relationship with him.Is he offering you that?No.So dont accept it.Under any circumstances.
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