Lovely Neighbour

[Dom Tuk]

My neighbour is a gentle 83 year old lady with a disabled 86 year old husband. Her son lives 4 miles away and is immensely wealthy. However he is never around to help and the couple even spent christmas on their own, son and wife came over only for boxing day. My neighbour is always requesting us, her handyman, hairdresser etc for lifts to the hospitals/doctors etc. She can afford to take a taxi (she is quite well off too) or could ask her son. It is not always convenient for us but my wife finds it difficult to say no. I dont mind very much but find it infruriating when the son gets praised to high heavens and he is obviously not fulfilling his responsibilities. Should i broach the subject or let it lie.

[woofgang]

umm. Well you have no control over what anyone does except yourself and refusing the lady lifts won't make her son any different or stop people praising him in your hearing. if your wife does the lift giving then. I guess its up to her what she does, if she says yes then moans to you then you could point out quite nicely that  no-one is making her do it...if she is saying yes and then expecting you to give the lift, then its up to you to deal with this as no-one should make committments for another without their agreement. I know its not the easiest advice, but if you can get the emotion out of it, the situation will become easier to deal with. Does it really hurt you that someone is receiving undeserved praise? and if you know that you (or your wife ) have done a good deed, then does it matter who else knows? IMHO broaching the subject with anyone except your wife,is just likely to make you look like the local grinch!!

[galltin]

Agreed, quite honestly I'd let it lie. I can imagine how annoying it is though.

[Dom Tuk]

Furthermore i think it is unfair on my children for my wife to agree to a request for a lift to an hospital appointment. Having dropped them off my wife also offers to pick them up after. Now as anyone who has been to hospital appointments knows that you could be there for hours with delays etc. My 2 children (10 and 7)will be sitting in the car with my wife for a long time waiting for them to come out. A taxi ride is only a tenner. Which believe me is a drop in the ocean to my neighbour. It is a ridiculous situation. You have a millionaire son and wealthy elderly parents but i have to grin and bear it all because my wife cannot say no. She agrees with me and wants to say no but when faced with the situation cannot find it in her to do so. AAARGH

[mrs.pudding]

In lots of areas now there are Dial-a-Rides which are run specifically for the elderly and disabled and whose prime function is to get people to shops, hospital, etc.  And where they don't operate, there are often voluntary drivers who undertake the same function for the cost of their petrol.  Perhaps you could see if something like this is operating in your area.  If it does, then you could approach the old lady and promote the wonderful independence this would give her!  If you could get her to use such an outfit once, you might find that she takes to it!  Worth a try anyway

[banana]

If I were your wife and unhappy at being at this couples beck and call I would take steps to being unavailable for most of the time. Does she have a job outside the home? If not ,then is this a possibilty now the children are older? It wont stop all of the requests but will certainly cut them down.

[woofgang]

well but that is what your wife is like. If she really didn't want to do it then she wouldn't. Do the kids hate waiting in the car? I haven't got children but the thought of sitting in a car for two hours with two children who DID NOT want to be there would have a powerful effect on my ability to excuse myself, but then I am not a lovely person!

[Miss Zippy]

It is a bit unreasonable for the couple to keep asking your wife (or you) for these lifts. If it was just an occasional favour if other transport means let them down, then fair enough, but to be asked on a regular basis is cheeky. Can�t your wife make her excuses next time she is asked � she has to take the children somewhere or is expecting visitors etc etc?  

[smudge]

Although infuriating, there's not much you can do about it if your wife is prepared to keep obliging.

Personally, I think it must be an awful situation your wife has got herself into, especally if the children get drawn into it too.

As an aside - It reminds me of when we lived next door to a lovely elderly couple. Their son (an only child), was extremely well off & never visited them. My husband & I used to do lots of odd jobs for them (out of the goodness of our hearts - not for gain). When the lady became very ill, I used to pop in every evening to chat to her until she fell asleep. On the evening she was dying, I phoned her son to forewarn him that she probably wouldn't last the night. His reply was "I'm just having my dinner & will 'pop' over later". She died at 9:00 pm, he turned up at 9:15 pm.

The old man died a few months later & we watched in amazement at how many times this 'absent' son visited the 'empty' house, tarting it up ready for selling & lining his already full pockets! Say no more!

[FP]

It is very easy to make a statement to say that a son 'is obviously not fulfilling his responsibilities'.  Without in depth knowledge of the family and what has happened in their lives this sort of statement is easy to make.  I myself might be labelled as a 'daughter who is not fulfilling my responsibilities'.    I find it very difficult to visit my 84 year old disabled mother due to her attitude towards me and my husband  in the past and now .  Outsiders say she constantly praises me, but when I visit her I end up in tears due to her vindictiveness.

Please do not approach her son.  It really is not your place to do so and it may cause a lot of friction.

However, I understand how upset you are for your wife.  She will have to learn to say no.   Older people often assume that family and friends should help and that they should not expect to get taxis, etc. even if they can afford them.  They often forget that younger people have lives to lead themselves and their own responsibilies and problems.  Their worlds become very small and they often cannot see beyond their own four walls.  I do sympathise with you and your wife, but your family must come first. 

[Mortartube]

I personally would decline to give your neighbour a lift for about 50% of the time that she asks, simply saying that I was occupied elsewhere and therefore couldn't do it. This would hopefully make your neighbour realise that you are not there at her beck and call, but that you are willing to help out occasionally. This way she will have to find alternate forms of transport for some of the time and will not be solely reliant upon you and your family. If you took this approach, you don't need to say anything unpleasant but simply tell her when you are unable to help.