my 8 year old daughter suddenly dislikes school

[sarahjm]

Hi, my daughter has always liked school, even when she was on half term etc she would say she couldn't wait to go back to school. Upon returning to her second year in juniors she has a very strict teacher but says she really likes her, the work is a lot harder but the teacher says she is coping etc, she cries the night before and says that she is so nervous about going to school, I have asked and asked until I am blue in the face what the problem is but she just keeps saying I dont know, it is so frustrating and it hurst me to see her like it, she is fine when I have gone from the playground, she says she has had a good day when I pick her up etc, she has gone from a happy young girl to a depressed one, it is so stressful for us both. Do you think it is a phase and that she will get over it? She has started to say she wants to go to a different school but I dont particularly want her to.

[Morrisonker]

I think she might be being bullied. It's hard for a child to admit that's the problem because sometimes it can be so humiliating to tell someone that a person is making you feel bad and you can't stop them. I doubt very much that she'll tell you off her own back, no matter how close you are. I was bullied horribly as a child and I don't think I ever told anyone, my mum was really surprised when I told her last week and that was over 10 years later.

Maybe a word with her teacher would help? She might have noticed some children who might be picking on her. Or you could find a book that deals with bullying in a story and leave it in her room. Try not to push too hard because it's obviously not working. Don't give in to letting her moves schools, I doubt it would help much and it's a huge step for a child to make.

[Gnisy]

I agree with Morrisonker on the bullying thing. If she is willing to give up her friends and an environment she is used to, then it has to be something that she is scared of, something she is facing daily. I suggest speaking with the teacher about this so that she can keep an eye on your child. Do notice if she has been asking for more allowance or she has been going hungry ( stolen lunch ) or she has bruises or cuts of the sort. Yet, I hope that it is not a case of bullying cause it is tough on a kid's life to be a victim of bully.

[Drusilla]

I agree it may be bullying and it's also important to realise with children that something tiny that adults brush off without a thought can sometimes burrow into a child's minds. It may not even be ongoing bullying, but something may have been said by an older child that really upset her and she can't shake it off. You may even discover, the older child concerned doesn't realise their words have caused such upset. A quiet word with her teacher to keep an eye on events at school may be helpful, but your hugs and reassurance are the best medicine. As for changing school, that seems a step too far until you know exactly what the problem is- in my opinion. Sorry, if that last bit came across as bossy.

[WendyS]

I was also going to suggest that bullying might be at the root of this. But I don't think talking to her teacher will necessarily be enough if this is the case. It should be bought to the attention of the Headmaster/mistress and the school govenors as well. When one listens to the current news and realises just how widespread bullying is, it needs to be taken very seriously. Many children have their whole adult lives affected by this so it does need to be addressed early. Does the school have any counsellors who might be able to talk to your daughter? Sometimes it's easier for children to admit their fears and problems to a neutral stranger, however hurtful that might feel to a parent. The important thing is that she talks to somebody so that you can start to get to the bottom of it.

[suzi-q]

I think the other answers are right, my first thought was that she may be being bullied. Bullying can take lots of forms - has she fallen out with a friend recently? Maybe one of her friends who until recently came to tea/sleepovers etc has stopped coming.

When my son was about this age, a different boy came into his group of 3 friends and basically turned the other 2 against him. The new trio would spy on him at playtime as he sat on his own with no-one to play with. Its really difficult to tackle when its not a case of out and out bullying, more psychological/emotional hurt being inflicted. Particularly when its former friends causing the problem because you may be friendly with their mums etc. and your child doesnt want to make things worse.

If this is the case, is there another child whom your daughter likes and who you could help her become closer to i.e. by asking for tea etc.

Another thing to check is her eyesight. It sounds silly but my eyesight started to deteriorate when I was at primary school and I couldnt see the blackboard. I didnt tell anyone for ages and in truth it was so gradual I suppose I didnt realise what was happening. So I used to worry about it when I couldnt see what was written and my work suffered until the problem was noticed.

Is this very strict teacher actually a bit frightening - are other children feeling the same way? She may be a bit scared to say if its the teacher and think she might get into trouble. You could ask other mums if they've heard anything through the grapevine.

I hope you can get to the bottom of this because its such a worry for you both. Best of luck and persevere in your efforts to find out whats wrong.

[Peri]

We had a problem with our 8 year old daughter at the beginning of the school year. Never a problem before and she started crying every morning going into school, sometimes causing quite a scene and once the school rang for me to take her home as she said she was sick. I spoke to the teacher and the mother of her friend. This can be a good thing as you can sometimes get more out of the friend than you will out of your own child. In this case there was nothing wrong with our little one just a habit she got into. So I put a chart up on the fridge where she got a star if she behaved going into school etc over a two week period and she got a little prize at the end of it. It worked perfectly and we havent had any more tears since. If you are however nervous of the bullying ask the teacher and a few of her friends parents to see what the kids say.

[sarahjm]

Thank you for your responses but I know it is definitely not bullying, I have spoken with the teacher and I have even spyed on my daughter at break/lunch times she plays happily and the teacher has kept an eye on her also. I think it is the fact that it is a lot harder work and a much stricter teacher etc, well that is all I can put it down to, when she is upset at night I will go into her bedroom and her bed is covered in everything from her shelves games books etc, I ask her what is it all doing on her bed and she tells me that it reminds her of people she loves, it is really heart tugging, I was even thinking of the doctors or something alike.

[kaktus]

Could she be afraid of not being good enough? I mean school and homework wise, new and harder demands and all that. My point is, if she was one of the best in her class before, or at least the work was easier, and now it has become harder, she may be afraid of failure.

You could try calling a child psycologist, maybe s/he can give you some advice - maybe the school has one on call?

I hasten to add I don't have any children, I'm just trying to remember what it was like being her age.

I really hope it will be better soon!

[Drusilla]

I've just popped back to your question and read your assurance about bullying and agree it's probably fear of failing in her new class that's causing the problem. She's going to need a lot of encouragement because a fear of failure could eventually outweigh her desire to succeed.