How do I get him to help out?

[CAJ1]

My boyfriend and I have lived together for a year and knew each other a year before that. I feel like I do everything. He would sometimes cook if he's in before me and occassionally do the washing up and that's about it. When we moved house I set up the gas and electric bills and changed tv licence etc as he never bothered. This week there has been little food in the house and I have not done shopping on purpose to see if he does it and he hasn't. He used the GF grill on Sunday and left it at the sink and he still hasn't cleaned it. If I didn't do the washing he'd have no clean clothes as he never puts washing on. He has never cleaned the toilet/bathroom and never thought to change the bedding.

He is a good person and treats me well but how do I get him to change and do things without seeming like I'm nagging him? I've brought it up before and he says he would help but I get round to doing things before he gets a chance. When I ask him to do something he says he'll do it later and then I end up doing it because I get fed up waiting on him to do it. I don't want to end up feeling like his mother and resenting him. Please help!

[jaydj]

just put a stop to his "bed time fun"
when he asks where is all the bed time fun, you just have to say that your soooo tired with all the house work that you have to do on your own!
good luck

[lil75]

I wouldnt keep taking over whenever he says he will do it later...when you want something done, ask him, when he says ill do it later, say no can you do it now, make a point of saying how he always says that and never does what you have asked, keep on doing this and he will get the hint in the end. By the time you have finished, you should have a domestic goddess on your hands lol

[Prangy]

If you care that much, why dont you just leave everything till he does do it? Or havent you got the patience? Flipside.

[CAJ1]

I find it really hard to do that Prangy and as proven he hasn't done the shopping or cleaned the grill! We'd end up starving and living in dirt!!!

Here's another question - Am I the only person that has this problem or do all men expect women to go to work and still come home to housework? And guys do any of you have a problem with your girlfriends being like this?

[Le Chat]

My husband doesn't do any household cleaning and is a messy person but I only work 2 days per week and as the children are at school, I have 3 days in which to do whatever I like. However, if I were working full time, I would expect us, as a couple, to do equal amounts of cleaning.
Basically, your bloke is just lazy and his mum probably did household chores without him needing to lift a finger.
What you need to look at, is the fact that he may well NOT change....and could you live with that fact longterm, as yes, you will resent him and it could culminate as a small but growing knot of hatred towards him!

[CAJ1]

Your spot on Le Chat, he lived with his Mum before me and she did do everything! He's in the forces though and you would've thought he would have learnt from there seeing as they teach them ironing etc!

Oh no, I'm not putting up with it forever, I will have to change him! I don't understand though because if someone did everything for me and I did very little I would feel bad

[bednobs]

i dont think it's just men. I am the lazy one in my relationship (although i do at least stack and unload the dishwasher) and mr bednobs just has a lower tolerance of mess and dirt than i do so i always find he has done it first. He is also always hungrier than me an so will more often than not start the dinner. We have made a compromise - i pay for a cleaner 1 day a week and therefore that is my bit done - i would much rather pay the money than do it myself! as an aside we argue much less since weve had the cleaner

[stonekicker]

the simple answer is to simply go on strike! organise yourself and anything that affects you, but other than that, do not lift a finger. make yourself meals for one or bring home takeaway for yourself and not him. also don't do the bedroom thing. when he eventually cottons on to something going amiss, tell him its because he is a lazy fu**er and you thought you would see how he feels by doing the same. explain to him that you are not a cook, cleaner, pa or a ***** - because basically if you are doing everything, that is what you are becoming. he needs to be house trained NOW. i tried this with my husband and son - its foolproof. men get really miffed if they run out of clothes and have no food put in front of them. its actually quite funny!!!!

[CAJ1]

Stonekicker I'm laughing so much! Even the thought of that has me giggling! I will start the experiment and keep you all updated! :o)

[chattykathy]

I think mrs bednobs has the answer. Just ask him to pay for a cleaner , maybe twice a week, who will do all the cleaning, maybe ironing as well and you'll do the cooking etc. This works well for a couple I know.

However, I don't understand how you can say he treats you well when he sits back and lets you do everything!! I'm afraid your love will wear thin & you'll end up resenting him at the very least.

[terambulan]

Was he living with his mum before you? He's treating you as his mum and you're doing for him as his mum would but with extras in br. You made a 'rod for ur own back' when you set up the services.

You do the shopping but spend, spend, spend. If he keeps up with your spending then you're lucky. Hope he lets you hold the purse too. Keep it this way if possible. Nothing worse than having to ask for 50p for a pack of smarties, and it could be this way if you force him to take over. Make him so reliant on you that he can't survive otherwise and he's yours forever.

[bongovanman]

in our household i normally do the cooking or washing up and g/f deos everything else.i do all the driving (drop off pick up)shopping needs done whoevers about does it...no probs whotsoever.team work and respect,,

[Velvetee]

Caj, I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.

My partner doesn't even know how to put things in the dustbin. He will drink a can of coke or eat a chocolate bar and the wrapper or can will just stay wherever he leaves it. At this moment, he has 30 empty coke cans in his office, with an array of other rubbish. If I go away for the weekend, I can guarantee, I'll come back to the same washing up that was left in the sink when I went.

I spend my time nagging and pleading and he promises to improve, but so far hasn't. It really gets me down and I feel so depressed at times. Before I moved in with him, I lived alone in my flat and kept it clean and tidy. The house we live in together, looks like a pigsty.

He never does anything around the house either, although he does know how to use the washer and dryer and will change the sheets ocassionally and mow the lawn, but that's about it. I think he feels as he is the main breadwinner and I just work 20 hours per week, it should be my place to take care of the house.

Other than that, I'm treated well, but also resent being forced to take the place of his mother and like you, feel resentful towards him. It also affects our sexlife, afterall, who want's to get intimate with their "son".

[Ice.Maiden]

There's a world of difference between a man who does absolutely nothing around the house, and one who pulls his weight - if only by token efforts. Having said that, I don't believe that we've yet found "modern man", and the species in general don't seem to do things as well as us females might.
Many men'd prefer to see to the electrics, building, hammering and banging - and leave the ladies to the housework. If your man does NOTHING, then unless you reach a compromise, things won't change, and you have to wonder if you can live with that or not. My own opinion, is that I'd hate to have a man who virtually walked around in a pinny. My husband helps where he can, but I don't nag him to do any more, because I'm happy for him to do what he does, and vice versa. if he does anything extra - it's a bonus!

[CAJ1]

Me going on strike seems to be working! He did the Tesco shop last night all by himself!

Yes Terambulam, he lived with his mum before me. He does do some things like cooking if he's in first and he'll sometimes do the washing up (so he does do a little bit) but I feel I do the majority and that's not fair as I work a 37hr week same as him. I don't nag him so he probably doesn't know it annoys me.

[Velvetee]

It seems what many of us, with this dilemma have in common, is that out partners have previously lived with their mothers.

I think as women, we need to break this ridiculous cycle of doing everything for our sons. It only means we will be passing them on in adult life to another woman, who will have to be their replacement mum. (Or is that the point!!)

Boys from an early age, should be made to learn how to be self suficient, so they don't expect their wives and girlfriends to do everything for them.

[mirela]

hi CAJ, my man is same!!! extactly same!!!ocassionally he got the motivation to do some work around house, started one part, then fed up after 2 hours, left more mess in the house!!!
unfortunately im still working on problem as well, so im learning from your thread and watch other people's answers lol and he is working away now, so i have to save what i have learnt till he back to england:(((

[CAJ1]

Maybe its my fault as at the start I didn't mind doing it and just did it for him. I think he does know how to do it Velvetee but knows someone else will do it for him!

Mirela - enjoy the break from doing it while you can! Am I right in thinking your other half is in the army?

[CAJ1]

Oh and I meant to say that yesterday he fixed the heating and made lunch! :o)

[Rtaxron]

I let my wife do all the chores, I even let her wash the car.

Its not because I am lazy, its because she does them better than I can ; - )