CB users opinions needed please

[clydeserani]

My ex husband had our kids staying over at the weekend..My son goes regularly but his Fiance wouldn't have my daughter in her house as she has a form of ADHD and OCD and often presents challenging behaviour...hard work but we are getting there..
She hadn't stayed with her dad since December...
She stayed this weekend after a lot of groundwork , he called me within 5 minutes saying her couldn't handle her and that she wanted to come home...I was away at my Boyfriends for the weekend, something I only get to do every second weekend... I managed to persuade my daughter to stay with her dad and gave them both loads of advice on how to try to make the best of their time together..I got a phone call at 9.45pm Saturday night from my Daugher, who is 12, saying that her dad had dropped her home and drove away knowing that there was nobody home to care for her.I was not able to come home as I was away out but I arranged for my sister to pick her up within half an hour....I am fuming, fizzing, raging mad....When I asked him why he thought it was ok leaving a minor to fend for herself, his response was.."she wanted to come home so I brought her home,she is old enough to look after herself."
No she is not..I was so tempted to call the Police Saturday night but I thought it would just cause more trouble.however i will be telling my daughters Social Worker tomorrow..
No matter what scenario I put to him today, he would not acknowledge that he had done wrong...he just kept saying that his Fiance wanted her out the house and that my daughter wanted to come home.
Any advice on what is my next step regarding this situation.
I do not want to rock the boat between my Son and his dad but I don't think I want him to be responsible for my daughter again.My daughter had been sick as a parrot since last night, she has had constant Headaches and Sickness and Diorrhea since he dumped her home last night.Was he out of order or do you think he was

[pinktwink]

totally out of order in so many ways.
Firstly having his son stay but abdicating his responsibility for his daughter. That must be very tough on her.
secondly he is the adult so it is up to him to be in charge not allow your daughter.
Thirdly sending her home eith nobody there is tatally off the wall, what if something happened.
I would have a stern talking to him, reminding him he has two children and the effect on your daughter. Ask the social worker to have a chat with him. Also i would be slow to send your son every weekend if he wasnt prepared to have your daughter.

[dot.haukes]

yes he was out of order, he is living with a woman who he intends to marry who has caused him to make that decision, i.e. to take his daughter home and leave her, or abandon her really. This new woman in his life is the root cause of his actions, she is cold and heartless and probably not a bit jealous of any attention he shows his children, your ex is spineless but men can be like that and so not really culpible, that woman needs telling and you should make it clear she has to make room for her future step children

[paraffin]

ADHD? OCD? Do you always use abbreviations which other people may not have a clue as to what they mean???

12 year old daughter with her own Social Worker?

You've got a boyfriend and your ex has a fiance.

You clearly don't get on at all, you and your ex.

You presumably have custody of the children?

Seems that he doesn't want to see your daughter.

Seems to me like you all need a psychiatrist, not a Social Worker.

[clydeserani]

Hey Pinktwink. thanks for the response..I think there is a real Child Protection issue here...

I kept trying to tell him that he is the adult and regardless of what my daughter wanted his responsibility was to care for her and make sure she was safe....
I have spoken to my son and he still wants to go as he really likes the other boy who is his age, they play x.Box and rarely see my ex the entire time....
Their dad makes no bones about the fact that what his Fiance says goes regardless of wether he gets to see his kids or not. Its very infuriating...
will be asking the Social Worker to talk to him...
Im glad someone else agrees that he was out of order...

im so angry and frustrated, he doesn't seem to realise the impact this will have on my daughter...no telling him will get it through to him..

How can anyone think that a 12 year old is able to care for and be responsible for herself overnight..Thank goodness I was able to arrange for my sister to get her...when my daughter phoned me after her dad had left her, he didn't even walk her to the house, he left her on the street and drove away, the poor wee sould was sobbing and saying that she was so scared to be in alone...

[Buenchico]

Hi Clydesrani

The last time I posted on one of your threads I managed to upset you (which wasn't my intention) so I'll start off by apologising.

You asked a question: "Was he 'out of order'?"
My answer: Absolutely. 100%. Totally. (I'm a great believer in giving youngsters responsibility but simply to 'dump' a 12 year old like that is completely wrong).

You ask for advice. (Since I'm probably not 'flavour of the month' with you, you might not want it from me but, for what it's worth, I'll give you my honest opinion anyway):
You've got to face the fact that it's simply 'not going to work' between your daughter, your ex and his fianc�e. Whatever arrangements, and agreements, you might have in future, you'll never really trust him not to repeat his actions, so it's pointless even considering sending your daughter to stay with him.

Of course, your entitled to seek a bit of time to yourself (or with your boyfriend) but you'll have to look for other arrangements. Perhaps your sister can help out?

[pinktwink]

clyde how come daughter has her own social worker is it mot a family social worker?

[legend.isgod]

he was wrong

but there are many troubles ahead id guess

[tamborine]

Put it down to 'neglectful father' who has little regard for daughter's welfare and dont let her go again. Clearly the fiancee has little time for the girl.

You're the lucky one to have the daughter & relations nearby who help & care for her. Hit him where it hurts - in his pocket!

[clydeserani]

Paraffin.. for your information..ADHD is Attention Defecit Hyperactive Disorder and OCD is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder...

How dare you make assumption on the relationships in my family..It must be great to be Perfect...let me know how that feels please.....I get on fine with my ex, Until this weekend that is.. we have been apart for 9 years now after I found the strength to remove myself and my children from an abusive and destructive home life...

I have been to counselling many times to help me deal with the entire situation. I fought with Social Work services for 7 years to get them to offer us help and my daugher has had a Support Worker from the Barnardos Project for nearly a year...

Your comments were not at all uselful and have really upset me...I am struggling to keep my family together..I posted the question looking for practical advice, not criticism...

and FYI.. that means For your Information, i was not in a relationship until 16 months ago..

thanks for nothing

[MWB]

I beg to differ on Dots reply if I may.

Men can be spineless & so can't really be culpable? Is that true in every situation in life?

The daughter is both Mum & dads responsibility. So the dads actions are just as important as the mums.

Clyde. What he did was wrong, legally & morally. Like you said, do speak to the social worker & see what he/she says & take it from there.

Good luck.

[pinktwink]

well said MWB children are the responsibility of both parents. Too often one parent is left to cope alone with little support.
What he did was neglect and report him to social services, particularly if he is abusive as it seems there is another child with him too. What age is your son??

[clydeserani]

Hi Buenchico, thanks...sincerely..It was so hard trying to build the relationship with my daughter and her dad again, I made a point of speaking to his Fiance many times in my daughters presence to try to reassure my daughter that we all wanted what was best for her...
I totally agree with most of the responses tonight, including your own, that it just isn't going to work at all..

I get so mad though that he will not take responsibility for his children in any way but I need to resign myself to the fact that he never will,,,he is mid forties now and is all the man he will ever be...

My daughter is gutted....I am very lucky that I have family who will step in and help out when needed...My boyfriend is happy for my daughter to come stay over too so that is what we wll do in future...

Im so glad everyone else thinks that he was out of order, I thought I was overreacting...although teh sensible side of me knew that there was a Child Protection Issue happening...

[Buenchico]

I'm sorry that I've got nothing further to offer, Clydeserani, but I'd just like to say thank you for your kind post.

Thanks again. I hope that you manage to find a way forward in your life.

Chris

[legend.isgod]

never a good idea posting too much on ab about your family life.there are folk on here that swooop on every detail and will twist things in an atttempt for a cheap dig at folk.

some are closer than youd imagine on here too.

[pinktwink]

ah so sweet ^^^^

best of luck clyde

[clydeserani]

Hi Pinktwink, no, the Social Worker is assigned to my daughter, not the family..however the Support Worker with Barnardos, whilst working Primarily with my daughter is assigned to give suport to the entire family, my son and parents included...

That project has been a Godsend...I cant say enough about it...we still have a long way to go though, my daughter is a very damaged little soul..God Love her....it breaks my heart to see a child go through so much emotional pain, the type of things that many adults would have difficulty dealing with..

Anyhoo..thanks for the support guys....thankd God for CB..

[MWB]

PS: Some woman can be spineless too.

[clydeserani]

Anonymity is a blessing Legend but thanks for the concern...Im now starting to think that you are my Next Door neighbour and don't really stay in Tenerife,,,lol

[MWB]

As leggy is the messiah, he is all seeing.

LOL.

[pinktwink]

perhaps there could be a value in naming and shaming parents who neglect, mistreat, abandon or abdicate responsibility for their children??