just stuck for the right thing to do

[biggerlonger]

Situation is that my daughter lives full time with her mother, she is 9, I did see her all the time, we have an excellent relationship. We are close, we have a strong strong bond.

Her mother drinks and is regularly tipsy and sometimes blind drunk in front of our daughter.

My girl has "kicked off" against her mother lately telling her she hates her and she wants to live with me, her mother has put this down to me "poisoning" our daughter against her, nothing could be further from the truth. The common denominator is that this "kick off" happens when her mother is drunk.

Her mother has now restricted my access to seeing my daughter once a week.

This will devastate my daughter, she has just started a new school and is stressed enough, her mother doesn't care how spiteful this is or that the person it affects the most is our daughter.

She does not listen to reason and does not think she has a drink problem despite the fact that booze has hospitalised her 3 times in the last 4 years.

How do I make her see the distress she is causing our girl?

She won't listen to me, she does not have links with her family and has one friend who is as big a boozer as she is.

More importantly, what do I say to my girl?, do I tell her to make her mothers life as difficult as possible till she relents and we get our time back or just go with the flow till she is at an age that a court will listen to her or she can make her own mind up as to where she lives.

It's a tough one this, I do not know what to do

[NoMercy]

Have you considered ringing social services? If the mother is drinking heavily, she is in no fit state to care for a little girl. If you threatened your ex with social services, would that likely shock her into taking a positive step towards giving up the booze?

[biggerlonger]

thanks, once they are involved there is no getting them out of it, its a pandoras box that I don't want to open at this stage.

but thanks

[tamborine]

proof/evidence etc of imbibing. See solicitors with evidence.....could take 3y or more litigation at considerable expense. The best you can do in the short term is be available for your daughter if/when the mother relents.

you chose your partner to sire with! Just hope the mother doesn't pass 'the sickness' onto daughter.

[NoMercy]

Perhaps you could make a trip to see your daughter's school teacher and then get them on side. They may call your ex in to see them, and voice their concerns about how they feel that possible problems at home maybe affecting her school work. That might shock her enough to do something. Otherwise, go to citizens advice.

[ummmm]

That's not true biggerlonger. You only read that but SS are there to help. They have a family support section which are very helpful. My sons school asked me if they could phone them because of his behaviour. We'd had a lot of bereavement and he was taking it extremely badly. Anyway....they've arranged councilling which is doing him the world of good. My other son, who didn't seem to be affected has just finished a course of art therapy. He loved it. They offered me councilling, which I refused but I have an option to change my mind at anytime.

Anyway....what kind of drunk is she? As in...some people get aggressive and some get emotional etc...

[biggerlonger]

we have had 3 episodes of drunkness since April 19th, which was the worst ever.

she was threatening once, the pinch is that my daughter stood up to her on that day and now demands more from her, this is what is causing the friction and her mother withholds access as some kind of punishment and to demostrate that she has the power.

I think tamborine has the best outlook, be there, take what I get, be solid, bide my time, boot will be on the other foot one day.

[ummmm]

I'd bide your time as well. I was just pointing out that SS are not all bad. Just try your hardest not to say anything negative about her Mum. I'm sure your daughter will put sufficient pressure on her.

How often did you see her before?

[biggerlonger]

min of 3 nights a week.

The spitefullness is just a killer, there is no need for it.

[tamborine]

alcohol is too cheap & easily attainable. The mother will drop, sooner rather than later, she wont be able to cope & hospitalised often thru 'accidents'. You must stay strongerlonger for your darling daughter. You have a lot of pieces to pick-up in your future......good luck!

Be more choosey for your future baby hosts!

[ummmm]

She'll relent in he end. Even if it's because she can have hassle free boozing.

What was she hospitalized for? Was your daughter with her?

[biggerlonger]

she was pregant early on, supposedly not able to conceive because of endimetrous (spel), she would not have been my choice of a mother but once she was pregnant that was that..........................

I will stay stong, just writing it out has calmed me and put me in a better place, thank you all.

[biggerlonger]

pancreitis x 2
ulcer x 1

I had my girl when she was in hospital.

[Velvetee]

This is the problem with a parent who has a drink problem. She is blaming you for what she herself has caused through her excessive drinking. Your daughter has lost respect for her mother and understandably no longer wishes to live with her.

My ex Boyfriend's daughter was in the same situation. She lived full time with her mother who was an Alcoholic, obviously as she got older she became aware of her mother's drinking and the embarrasing behaviour which accompanied it.

She also lost respect for her mum and became increasingly unhappy, resulting in physical fights with her. She also wanted to live with her dad and her mother of course blamed him for turning her daughter against her. My ex's daughter now lives happily in a stable environment with her father and now she no longer has to see her mother drunk, their relationship has improved too.

Maybe agree for your daughter to move in with you on a trial basis to see how things go. Perhaps her mother will realise what she has been doing and seek some sort of help for her drinking. I think your daughter is old enough at 9 to know what she wants and it sounds like she has made her decision.

[China Doll]

It's hard to be the kid of someone with a drink problem, especially if you actually love them. Your ex isn't going to accept she has a problem no matter how solid you argument Triggs, it just won't happen, she'll do it when she's good and ready. I take it the plan to have little Triggs over for summer holidays went down like a sack of sh!te then?

[China Doll]

Ok - What about people you and your ex both know? Her parents? Could any of them mediate for you or indeed be a support to your daughter? I'm guessing you going over and trying to be all adult about the whole thing probably won't help, probably hinder actually from what you've said so far. How about the school? What is your relationship with her teacher like? Is it worth speaking to a teacher to make sure an extra close eye is kept on your daughter during the week?

Finally - Well it sounds harsh but did you ever go to the solicitors like my cousin suggested? I can't remember exactly what A said word for word but I thought it was along the lines of if no court was ever involved and your daughter wants to live with you then it'd probably be ok, (although you'd really need to get that checked!) Or you could go for soul custody?

As to your daughter - Try and make sure she has someone she can turn to you even if it's not you during the week so she's got support. Rebelling too much hurts her as well and she's going to be confused as hell anyway as to why someone she loves who loves her is treating her like this without adding to it so I'd try and make her see this if at all possible. Is there somewhere else she can go? Visit a grandparent or something when she's feeling low or her mums ratted? She's going to be feeling quite alienated and like second best (at a guess) as her mothers needs are being put before hers, make sure she knows she absolutely isn't second best to anything and that her mother is 'ill' really. Books are good for her to lose herself in, just make sure she doesn't go too far the other way and lose touch with reality altogether because she's burying her own thoughts away, make sure she stays talking.

Good luck tinker.

[pinktwink]

custody and access disputes are not easy and its the children that suffer. At the ennd of the day your daughter has two parents who are equallt responsible for her welfare. That being said you have a responsibility to do something if you have concerns for your daughter, whether contact SS or seek an access order in court. It is not ok to sit idly by and bide your time. How wioll you feel in the future if your daugthter asks why you did nothing when her mum drank, why did you give up on her, why did you not fight harder, did you not care?? These will be her fears if you dont pursue her welfare

[biggerlonger]

thanks china, yes the holiday is out of the question now, well at the moment at least.

Pink - thank you for the flip side, it is food for thought.

thanks everyone xx x