It's Also Christmas Day In The Workhouse, Don't Forget

[Khandro]

It was Christmas Day in the workhouse
The merriest day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners
Were all assembled there

In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it
there with the rest of the unwanted presents"

The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who wants the parson's nose
And the prisoners shouted
"you have it yourself sir"

The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on
very well with everybody"

The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their
eyes, which were full of tears

The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone
Gave three loud cheers and
nearly choked herself

And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his
paper hat and the man's next to him

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like
it was made by a continental chef"

Mince pie with custard sauce was next
And each received a bit
One pauper said "The mince pie's nice
But the custard tastes like
the bread sauce we had in the last verse !"

The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried "Aren't I a silly girl"
And they answered "You're a
perfect picture as always ma'am !"

"This pudding ", said the master
"It's solid, hard and thick
how am I going to cut it ?"
And a man cried "Use your
penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"

The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see ?"
And they cried "Let's see your
conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"

"Your reverence may I be excused ?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
I'd sooner have a
carol or two around the fire"

So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted
"Best of luck to you as well sir !"

[rowanwitch]

In the great British tradition.... Carry on Khandro...

[barry1010]

😂

[Ken4155]

I'm a bit slow at Christmas cheer

And thought this poem would tank

But later, when left quite alone,

I went and had a

 

 

 

nother read,

[gulliver1]

Simply Brilliant... lol🤣

[naomi24]

Excellent, Khandro.  It reminds me of my favourite ever Christmas joke which I've posted before.

 

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and became even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said to John, 'I believe I may have offended you with my vulgar language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my belligerent and unforgivable behaviour.'

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. Just as he was about to ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'

 

 

 

 

[roopower]

Brilliant, thanks Khandro

[mallyh]

very funny loved it x🤣

[Barsel]

 

Khandro Who was the writer of that? 

[Ken4155]

Don't know who wrote it but i recall Old Tel doing it some time back;

 

 

httyoutube.com/watch?v=mBm2V69oO68ps://www.

[Ken4155]

httyoutube.com/watch?v=mBm2V69oO68ps://www.

[Ken4155]

3rd time lucky;

 

[Khandro]

Barsel //Khandro Who was the writer of that? //

 

I don't know, but I got it from an Australian, maybe that's where it originated. 😃

[naomi24]

 Christmas Day in the Workhouse, is a dramatic monologue written as a ballad by campaigning journalist George Robert Sims and first published in The Referee for the Christmas of 1877.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Day_in_the_Workhouse#:~:text=In%20the%20Workhouse%20%3A%20Christmas%20Day,for%20the%20Christmas%20of%201877.

 

 

[Ken4155]

That's a different one, Naomi.

[naomi24]

Oh is it?  I didn't read it.  Sorry.  I don't know then.

[mallyh]

Tom Foggarty wrote the rude version x

[Ken4155]

Yes, the Sim's one is quite sombre. This poem is, of course, a parody, of which there are quite a few, apparently.

It was Christmas day in the harem

And the eunuchs were standing around

While hundreds of beutiful women

Lay stretched out on the ground

When in strolled the bold, bad Sultan

Who gazed at his marble halls

He asked "What do you want for Christmas, boys?"

And the eunuchs answered

 

Tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy

O, tidings of comfort and joy

[Countrylover]

🤣

[Barsel]

They're very good although yours earlier was a bit too rude Ken.😀

I can imagine Les Dawson or even Spike Milligan doing these.

[THECORBYLOON]

Giles Brandreth is the cousin of George Sims and he says Ronnie Barker wrote the parody.

 

https://www.pressreader.com/uk/the-sunday-post-newcastle/20180729/283188674200945