secret ex texts - how should i handle it?

[DumBlonde]

i've just caught my boyfriend secretly texting one of his exes AGAIN.
i confronted him, i said it was just an out of the blue "how's things' text. he wouldn't show me it when i asked, then he stormed off saying he doesn't understand why i don't trust him, and i actually then apologised for asking him to show me his text. things were ok after, with him at least - but i'm really annoyed.

his phone's been locked and almost permanently on silent - and vibrate turned off too, damn iPhone! - for the best part of a year. this has come up time and again, when i see a message alert and it's an ex of his, or when he's being especially protective over his phone.
he always maintains it's his right to be on friendly terms with his exes - and he's right of course - to be honest, i don't like the idea, but i'm really not bothered about a friendly text every now and again from an old flame but it's the secrecy that bothers me immensely and i've told him this.
i don't won't to be a jealous and paranoid partner, always looking to catch him out, but that's almost what i've become.

is he having an affair, i really don't think so cuz he does seem genuinely shocked and annoyed if i start to suggest that i think somethings going on. and i just would find it hard to believe of him.

we don't live together but spend about 4 nights a week together, i don't mind the space apart, but increasingly whenever i do see him now, i have to fight the urge to ask him what he did on the nights i didn't see him - so i just get annoyed at myself and at him and it's very frustrating. he's incrediby hard to talk to, very private. he doesn't shout or fight or argue he just goes silent and says nothing which drives me mad! and if he gets really annoyed he'll just walk away. so i feel the need to have this out once and for all and try to get him to see my side.

i'm going to talk to him tonight. where do i start??? thanks

[TTG]

Ask him to choose, ex or you.

[redcrx]

you have no trust in him. Even if hes not having an affair you probably wouldnt believe him

time for a serious discussion and decision makiing.

[Bbbananas]

I agree with TTG.
If he had nothing to hide - then why is he going to great lengths to hide things?
He's probably not having an affair, but I suspect he would not be a happy bunny if the situation were reversed and it was you in 'friendly' contact with an ex.
He's being secretive, and that's hurtful and secrets breed contempt.
Stand your ground, tell him how you feel about his secrecy then ask him to choose.

[Sqad]

Easy diagnostic situation, they are all the signs that indicate that he is sh@gging her again.

[snags]

^ You wouldn't get that diagnosis on the NHS...

[DumBlonde]

redcrx, u obviously didn't read my post properly. i said i don't think he's having an affair. it's the secrecy that's the issue.

and it's not just one ex in particular, he's still in contact with a lot of them and as i've said i don't really like it, but i don't mind. in a way it's nice to be on good terms with an ex, but trying to cover up that you've been texting them is a whole different ball game!

[redcrx]

exactly.
and he is covering up for a reason maybe.
You need to decide if you will accept that he wont change, as he hasnt yet has he, or move on

[brenda]

You don't trust him so get out now while you can.

[Sqad]

snags...LOL