Health visitor questions

[Chablar]

Hey guys,

From the start of my relationship with my wife, and since she was a little girl she has suffered with anxiety problems from events in her past that have damaged her self asteem. This anxiety gives her good days and bad days and can prohibit such actions as calling people on the telephone or seeing certain people. She has had counselling for this in the past, been to support groups, been on anti-depressants and has also seen a psychologist, all to no avail. Although we will never stop trying ways to help her anxiety, we achknowledge that this is a problem she will have for the rest of her life.

My wife gave birth to our beautiful daughter just over 2 weeks ago, and she let both the midwives and health visitor know of her anxiety during her pregnancy (as she had fears about how she would deal with a bith in hospital). Since our daughter has been born, Kylie has only been able to see the health visitor / midwife a couple of times out of about 7 or 8. This is either because she has been exhausted or because she is simply not up to seeing somebody today. The health visitor spoke to me on the phone, and her tone of voice could only be described as condescending. She said to me that she NEEDS to see my wife and daughter together. Im not into arguing semantics, but im not sure what she means by 'needs'. She is meant to be coming over later today and my wife if not up to seeing her, especially after the way she insinuated to my on the phone how an anxiety issue can somehow make her an unfit mother. I am concerned about telling her this, as she will talk bad about my wife again.

I was wondering if anyone knows if it is a legal obligation to see a health visitor after giving birth. Does she really NEED to see my wife? As she made it sound like the consequences would be dire. Any help you could give would be great.

[ummmm]

She should see the baby and if your wife can't do it then you should.

They'll be much finger pointing if something was wrong with the baby and it didn't get picked up in the early days. Midwifes don't see baby's just because they have nothing to do. It's because it's essential for the baby's well being.

[redcrx]

the health visitor and midwife do need to see both mother and baby.

You say your wife isnt up to seeing them, why is this exactly? after having my 2 i was worried about HV and midwives seeing me tired, in my dressing gown, tearful etc. but then most new mums are like that.

the HV is there to ensure that baby is OK, to do heal prick tests and to ensure baby is growing and following certain growth curves. For mum, she is there to check that mum is recovering ok from giving birth, is coping ok with anewborn, and also to check that mum isnt showing signs of postnatal depression.

A health visitor who is ignored and has appts cancelled so often may well start to be concerned that there is more going on than just a tired parent.

perhaps you can be at home when the HV vists and have a word with her yourself too, especially if you have any concerns over the way that you were spoken to or how your wife is coping.

The HV is there to help, they soon leave mum and baby in peace after a few weeks if there are no signs of any problems

[Chablar]

I do see her. I have seen her many times with our daughter and she has been weighed, had her hearing test done. Her anxiety isnt just a post pregnancy thing, she has had it her whole life. I accept what people say about 'unless you take the first step you will never learn to walk' in regards to getting help with healing her anxiety, but when they call and pressure her, and make her feel like a bad mother because she cant see her, I think that is out of order. She said to me that our baby has needs ( which i obviously know ), but I just dont see how our childs needs are not being met, because my wife cannot see the health visitor. Before the HV comes over, my wife cannot sleep, feels sick and can sometimes have a panic attack.

[redcrx]

did your wife suffer like that when she needed to see the midwives? was she comfortable with them? Is there any chance the HV may ask a midwife to check mum and baby instead. Just because the baby has arrived doesnt mean that your wife doesnt need any further help.

please dont feel that the HV is judging your wife or you, your wifes anxiety problems must have been noted somewhere in her medical records if its something she has always had problems with.

If she has had no problems like this before and has suddenly started feeling anxious then please try and encourage her to see her GP or HV and discus her worries with them.

[Chablar]

Ive known her for 11 years and she had has these since day one. Shes had an abusive past with men and her father and it is agonising to see her lost faith in herself. It drives me insane when people push themselves on either of us. When we first started seeing the midwives (in the pregnancy) they would not speak to me about anything, and turned up at the door several times without asking to come over. They made out like I was controlling her, no matter how many times I explained my Wife's condition to them. When there is such blatant ignorance around a matter that is so tender and personal to the both of us, we cannot help but take offence. There is only midwife who has been sensitive (and hasnt belittled her anxiety and make it sound like its nothing), and my wife would be ok to see her. The HV is saying that she shouldnt see the midwife and has to see my wife WITH my daughter personally. I didnt know that checking my wife's health post partum had to be in the company of my little girl, OR had to be done by only her.

[Chablar]

I apologise if It looks like i am getting angry, I just hate the way people treat her. Anxiety is a silent condition, and the more you try to force someone with it open, the more silent and secluded it becomes. That is exactly what is happening to my wife.

[redcrx]

well i can see why the HV wants to see mum and baby together, to ensure mum is coping OK.

call the midwife that your wife got on with and perhaps ask for her advice.

I can undertsand that your wife has problems, but can you not undertsnad at all why the HV may be concerned at not being able to see mum with baby?

is your wife unable to talk to anyone? it must make her life very hard indeed if she cant converse with people. The HV will not need to examine her, just talk to her. They may ask questions to rule out PND but its standard procedure in many areas.

[ummmm]

I kinda suffer a bit with things like that. Not to your wifes extent though. I get very nervous for no reason. I get butterflies if someone even knocks on the door or an unknown number rings. I fear bad news for some reason but after each event I realised it's never as bad as I feared. No where near actually.

I have got better with age and hopefully I will continue to do so. I even took something back to the shop today and demanded my money back. Something I would usually have to wait till the weekend when my partner could do it for me.

Back to your wife....has she got anyone else who can be with her for these visits? The more she puts it off the more determined the midwife will be.

[karenmac60]

I know you think the HV is being condescending or not believing you, but put yourself in their shoes. If you were a controlling husband or your wife was not coping well and they just listened to what you were telling them and taking you at face value, they wouldn't be doing their jobs properly would they? Look at situations like Baby P where people who should have been looking out for his welfare didn't push to see him and took his mother's statements on trust. The health visitors do not know you, so they cannot just believe what you are telling them without checking for themselves. I know this makes things very hard for your wife, but did she not understand when she got pregnant that having a child means she will have to deal with lots of other people over the years? How is she going to deal with nurseries, schools, your daughter's doctors etc, and that is before you start thinking about all the other things children like to be involved in - mother toddler groups, sports clubs and so on. Your wife will have to learn to deal with this and maybe you should try more of the tough love approach. While you stand at her door and protect her against the world she doesn't have to learn to deal with it, but if she is forced to cope then she may improve with time. If she doesn't then all 3 of you will suffer because it will give you the bulk of the work to do as far as your child is concerned and your daughter will miss out on things. I am not unsympathetic, but sometimes being over protective is the worst thing you can do. Good luck.

[kat321]

How about going to see the doctor together and having a word with her, because the doctor should still be seeing your wife until at least when she goes for her 6 week check. The health visitors will make odd visits until the child is school age but they always make an appointment in advance.
There are also the baby weigh in clinics that if you go either early or late should be a bit quieter, or you could phone and ask to make an appointment with the midwife on the day so no waiting about is encountered.
I fully understand your wifes problems but please be aware this probably means the health visitors will want to check on her more regularly so they can make sure she is getting the right care in case she gets post natal depression they are there for both baby and mother and whilst they can appear interferring and annoying they are only trying to help. On saying that though it is essential that the helth visitor coming is fully aware of how anxious your wife is - maybe you could visit them personally and explain - if your wife can't wait in the doctors for instance they should be made aware of this so that they can visit when it is convenient to her. Unfortunately we don't yet live in a world where people who suffer from anxiety to this extent are dealt with in the way they need. Good luck.

[deannatrois]

I can see both sides of this.., the HV who doesn't know your wife so doesn't know how to judge the situation and yours and your wife's feelings about what is going on.

Its not easy but I'm afraid she is going to have to see someone. Midwives are only supposed to be the main point of contact for the first two weeks after a baby's birth. Is there someone your wife can substitute for the HV.., like a GP she trusts? Altho I am afraid this may not stop the HV from feeling like she must be involved, but it may help.

However, I am afraid I can see problems ahead as has been mentioned. Your wife is going to have to deal with a lot of people because of your child.., like school teachers etc and not taking your child to parent child groups/nursery etc will mean your child won't have opportunities that help a child develop. Your child may also pick up on your wife's nervousness and enact that him/herself I'm afraid, which can't be good. Please try and understand the ramifications of this. Its not judgement, its not simply trying to force u both to do something u don't want to do., there are reasons for people trying to persuade you to do these things.

If she has tried various therapeutic approaches and is still suffering fairly inhibiting anxieties.., they haven't been as helpful as they could have been and maybe she needs to try something else., or a different approach. I looked up 'anxiety websites' on the web and found several references. Could one of these advise on things that might help her.., perhaps they could offer her support that might possibly help her confidence?