More Tim Vine classics..,
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
I wanted to be a milkman, right – but I didn’t have the bottle!!
Black Beauty, now there’s a dark horse.
I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said, ‘I bet you £5 you can’t guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf’.
‘ I’m not gambling!’ I said, ‘The steaks are too high!!!!!!
So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry -
well it would be it’s a cross breed!!
So I said to my Mum ‘I’m going to the funfair’ -
she said ‘Oooooh will you go on the Ghost train?’ – I said ‘No, I’ll walk.
I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1.
Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, ‘Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts’.
The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn’t know what to make of it.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,’Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!
The doctor replied, ‘I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off’.
So I went to the doctor and he said, ‘You’ve got hypochondria.’ I said, ‘Not that as well.
Advent Calendars, Their days are numbered.
I phoned the Football League and said I was interested in running a Sheffield based football team. They said, ‘How flexible are you?’ I said, ‘I can’t manage Wednesday'.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen