Difficulty in making the break

[cameliaheartfelt]

I posted earlier on in the year and now things are once again coming to a head. I no longer wish to stay friends with a couple that we know from living elsewhere 3 years ago, who I have discovered that the woman has talked about us behind our back. We have met up twice and stayed at theirs twice and they came to us once but I think she was being nosey and wanted to see our new place.
I have got to the stage where I don't want this negativity in my life and they are just reminders too of bad times. I have made excuses even going as far as saying my husband is working in Germany and I am out there with him. I've given the odd brief update and feel now that I can't keep up with this story anymore as it's becoming unrealistic. The weeks have gone into months and now they are emailing asking about how we are doing and not saying that they would 'like' to see us but instead saying they 'want' to see us when we are back like a demand. Other friends from where we lived before are in touch now and again too, so it will be all or nothing once making the break, we will be the talk of the month possibly and things will come out that we tried to keep private . I obviously don't like being talked about, she does it with others, tries to get you into slagging off people and when you see them, it's like being interviewed. I hate it.They want to know all your news and when you start talking about them, she once said, no, no let's not talk about that, let's talk about you first like in an interview.
Some previous ideas from Abers were to break off contact but it's difficult when there is email and texts and mobiles that can reach you anywhere. We can change landline numbers but mobile numbers are more difficult particularly for my husband who needs his phone for work. You also cannot change a work's number and they know where my husband works anyway.They are the kind to come knocking on the door and asking neighbours, that would be good when they say, Germany, what you talking about?
I know I've made things worse but I'm not going to be direct with them because that may open up a big can of worms with others that we know and maybe some day, we may want to know them again, I doubt it but I don't want animosity. How can I say we are busy when they will just turn up or invite themselves, I'm dreading it. They will ask what dates we are free too! I just want to be left alone and get on with our new life.
As Christmas approaches too, I feel I don't want to send any xmas cards to this group of 'friends' which may be seen as an oversight the first time but also we always remember birthdays and theirs are in January. I often enclose their cards inside the xmas card but we have a birthday in February so she will be wanting to know where to send the card if there is silence. So, any ideas on how to avoid seeing them and breaking it off as they are sort of 'demanding' to see us? I know I have made a rod for my own back but I hate confrontation and hurting people's feelings and also I don't want our past to be raked up though I suppose we won't be around to hear or see the fallout. My husband is very supportive of this by the way, and just wants me to be happy. I have only really kept friends with them because my husband really likes hers. I wish I had never given out our new address when we moved but they knew where my husband worked anyway. I am starting to feel very stressed and anxious about this the more time goes on now and I feel like running away.

[FoxLee2]

If you really don't want to keep in touch with this couple and others from where you used to live, I think you have to be blunt about it so that there is no misunderstanding. You think they talk about you anyway so it doesn't really matter what they think of you.

Why not send an email along the lines of - there is no easy way to say this so I shall just be honest and say that I have neither the inclination nor the time to keep in touch with you. We have a new circle of friends here and have moved on from our time in ....... and feel that we have nothing in common now.

I wish you both well.

Hopefully something along those lines would get the message across.

[owdhamer]

Mrs Owd had a mate who was very over bearing, one day she told her quietly she no longer wished to remain friends, it worked.

[Brinjal]

So what do they know about your past? That you were in a swingers club or something? What ever it doesn't matter what they may say if anyone mentions things from your past that they may mention deny deny deny. Dump them once and for all. If you don't want to be others with them why should you it's your life.

[karenmac60]

You say you don't want to hurt feelings, but I have actually found it more hurtful when a friend has just cut ties with no explanation - constantly torturing myself with wondering what I've done and feeling humiliated at all my attempts to reach them. Just be honest. Your past can't be that bad surely, and if folk are petty enough to want to talk about it then just see it as you doing your bit to brighten up some seriously dull people's lives ;-)

[rsvp]

Are you afraid to break off with this couple because there is a chance something will emerge from your past - or have I read it incorrectly?

[Connemmara]

Listen to the advice of Foxlee2 - it really is only the best - I had to do it many years ago and I just said I don't want to be in touch and it did work. Every body has skeletons in their cupboards and since you probably will not see them again - try and not worry what they say about you. Unless you have murdered somebody nothing is bad. But you need to get rid.

[cameliaheartfelt]

I really cannot tell them what I feel to shake them off. If you look back at my previous posting on this topic, you should see what I don't want to come out. I am thinking of saying that my husband has got a new job abroad, singapore, some where far away and that we are already there now, my husband had a big falling out with his old company etc, and the new company have helped us with our house sale. This obviously runs the risk of this couple coming to our home if I don't send them new contact details, maybe asking neighbours stuff if they don't hear from us again, also they could still ring our old mobile numbers and find they are still working. They could even call my husband's work to find out where he has gone only to find he is still there. I think about this every day now and it's wearing me down, do you think that this even bigger lie will throw them off once and for all. I suppose that if they ever did see we were still here, we could say it all fell through, we came back and we were too embarrassed to say what had happened. what a mess!

[China Doll]

Oh good grief... either grow a pair and tell them you don't want to be friends or change your contact details and don't answer the door.

Or you could just show them this post and I gurrantee they won't be looking to contact you with offers of friendship again.

To be honest, it just sounds like you enjoy the drama or else you wouldn't make the whole thing 'bigger' than it needs to be.

[boxtops]

I wouldn't make anything up any longer. Write to them, say that you have moved on in your lives and you don't want to keep in touch any longer. Just be honest. You don't have to say why. Then just ignore their texts and calls.

[cameliaheartfelt]

I really am not making a drama out of this, it is making me ill, as I know it's getting near the time to make a decision on how to get rid but obviously don't know how.

[grasscarp]

Why not just ignore contact. Be evasive, slow to respond, and answers like really busy at the moment - will let you know etc. In time they will get the message without you having to be rude.

[boxtops]

I've had someone cut me off, not all that long ago, without reason. Tbh I didn't lose any sleep over it - their choice.

[China Doll]

I suggest you re-read your posts and try and get a sense of perspective. You most certainly are making a meal of it.

[magsmay]

Hi you are putting far too much importance on what people think and what will come out -so what? if people find out 'your secret' (I've read your other post and frankly its no big deal) its only people you admit you no longer want anything to do with. Has it crossed your mind they may already know you are lying abut your husbands job -and actually 'playing' you to see how far this goes. Take control of your life -email addys can be changed or not answered. Phone calls need not be answered if you know its them. If they persist just say 'no! you do not need to give a reason not to see someone socially! Your husband is supportive what more do you want? This next bit is not a joke - seriously think about getting yourself some self assertion coaching -it will enable you to tackle these sorts of problems in a tactful way that will leave all persons knowing where they stand.

[bednobs]

it also made you ill that your parents in law were renting an appartment next to yours for a few weeks - on the face of it you do seem to wind yourself up over things that most people would just accept.
If they are the last people from your group of friends who you see, then it doesn't really matter what they bring out about yr husband's affair, cause you wont know/wont hear it will you? in fact, they probably already gossip about it anyway
on another point - your cheating husband caused this situation - perhaps you could prevail on him to sort it out for you

[magsmay]

@china doll - think you and I would get on like a house on fire lol!

[cameliaheartfelt]

I don't think the situation with my inlaws has anything to do with this. I am asking advice about something separate and would appreciate some empathy and supportive answers.

[andy-hughes]

I understand how this situation has grown, and how you now feel trapped and pwerless to extricate yourself from it.

Given that you wish to avoid confrontation, and that this situation is obviously causing you sonsiderable stress, i don;t think the one-off 'thanks but no thanks' approach is for you.

i would be inclined to go with grasscarp's angle, slowly but surely they will get the message if youo are simply not available. If they mail or write, ignore the contacts, if they ring, be very busy as soon as you answer, likewise if they come to the door.

This couple do appear pretty thick-skinned not to perceive your reluctance to maintain their friendship, but just because people are slow on the uptahe does not mean it is desireable to hurt their feelings - especially if that may have a residual effect, as you imply,

Just make yourself 'out of reach'. If they ring, be busy, if they write, ignore, and if they call, say it is not convenient, apologise, and close the door. They will get the message.,

Deciding that you are going to get a handle on this and take some action should calm down the stress you are feeling, which results from a sensation of helplessness.

You are not helpless, yiou have a solution, you just need tobe consistent and firm putting it into action. The results may well come sooner than you think.

Good luck.

[cameliaheartfelt]

Thanks Andy for your understanding and others too. I feel now that I can make a start. I have already said to my husband that if they ring, to say, sorry I'm busy right now , I will get back to you' then don't, and I will do the same. I do think however, that not sending xmas cards or birthday cards for January is a bit too much of a cutting off straight away. Do you think I should still send the cards then really ease it off after that? I do also envisage them at the door but there's nothing stopping us from putting our coats on there and then and saying we are just on our way out, sorry. My best friend today said to not make up another big lie, and I'm sure she's right, when you feel desperate, you do think of extremes just to be rid of the torment.

[Smowball]

I think that if you dont want to speak to them direct then the only way is totally ignore them - they will have to give up at some point.