Good jokes needed.....

[jonah hart]

Need a good laugh today so all jokes kindly accepted....Ill start off..A husband undresses and asks his wife "What turns you on more,My handsome face or my sexy body?His wife looks at him and says "your sense of humour...... Loves it.

[emilia-faye]

A drunk was cycling home one night, and two nuns passed either side of him....he says to himself...'I bet she can't do that again'

[redcrx]

I went to the zoo the other day and all that was there was a little tiny dog

it was a shihtzu

[snagged]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy

[snagged]

^^^

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken *******. You've **** the bed !!'

[emilia-faye]

LOL @ snagged. good one.
:-)

[logic]

paddy won six million on the national lottery,
Camelot rang him to say they were short of funds, so would he accept three million this week and three million next week,

Paddy replied, look, if your'e going to fcuk me about, i'll have my pound back.

[Bbbananas]

I went to my doctor with a painful knee.
He said I would have to stop masturbating.
"Why" I asked.
"So I can examine you....."

[snagged]

^^ pmsl

[emilia-faye]

Two nuns were cycling home and one of them turned down a side street, which was still heavily cobbled, and the second one following her said, 'I've never been this way before'....and the first one says.....'Oh, I always come this way'

;-

[Bbbananas]

Mother Superior again, she's always been a dirty bint...

[emilia-faye]

are you calling me names salla?
or are you on about the joke?

[Bbbananas]

Oh, soz - I just realised how that sounded Emilia !!!
No - I was referring to the nuns.... honestly
x

[sidkid]

I've recently started learning to play the violin. My next door neighbour apparently likes the sound of it so much that last night he came round and smashed all my windows in, presumably so he can hear me more clearly.....

[joggerjayne]

redcrx ... love it !!!

[squarebear]

lol I like it sidkid

[sidkid]

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks 'I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him'

The pretty young blonde thinks ' I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me'

The Englishman thinks 'I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw@t again'

[emilia-faye]

I laughed out loud at that slapping one.
:-)

[Therema]

Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[sidkid]

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to enable him to see her a little out of the corner of his right eye....

[jonah hart]

Brilliant keep em coming....