I Feel Totally Numb

[nailedit]

Lost a friend early hours of yesterday.
I had been visiting him in a care home/hospital (He alternated)
every week for months. He died of cancer.

Been to see my 20 mnth old granddaughter today. We played etc.
I love her to bits.

I havn't paid rent since Easter.
Cant get it together to sort it.
My attitude is f it. So what?

I'm in court in a few weeks and couldn't give a monkeys.
It'll only be a fine but again I couldn't give a toss
whether I can pay it or not.
Probably end up in prison for non-payment.

I just don't give a monkeys anymore.

Just feel that my time here is done.
Lost my friend but lost so many in the past that its just
another one bites the dust.
Love my granddaughter but its just another love that will
go away eventually.

Magistrates will fine me much more than I can pay
Council will demand money that I don't have,
Life demands of me what I can't give
and I'm done now!!

[nailedit]

I'm just totally NUMB to life now.
It holds no joy for me.
If there was a DIGNITAS in the UK i would sign up....

[Hazlinny]

Nailedit/ I'm not very good at putting advice into words but listen to this. I am sorry that you have lost a good friend. x

[237SJ]

Your friend who died would probably give anything to be alive and have your problems.

[zylaphone]

Maybe your granddaughter needs you. Take heart

[nailedit]

//Your friend who died would probably give anything to be alive and have your problems//
Nah. He actually told me that he looked forward to non existance)
Proving that there ARE atheists in foxholes!

[jourdain2]

You have had a drink, I think (I would have had a couple after the death of a friend). You think that they love you have for your granddaughter will go away. I'll tell you now that it won't.

My grandson is a difficult 13 yr. old oik. He is also highly intelligent. He thinks that I am from another planet, I think, but every so often he listens to me and as he gets older this is happening more often and we 'click'. 'Love' is a tricky word. I don't feel huge emotion for my grandson (apart from annoyance and anger a fair bit of the time) but I would grieve deeply to lose him and he would be bereft if I died.

Don't write your granddaughter out of your life.
Life's tough. No, I've not been exempt. I've suffered tough times and physical and mental abuse. A lady in my village (47) - her husband had a huge heart attack a couple of years ago. They couldn't fix it but fitted an artificial heart - it will last a max of 5 yrs. After that .............
You'd think the sons & family would be flocking around to help, wouldn't you? Zilch. She struggles, and talks to me about loneliness and abandonment by others and the world.

People die, friends die. I mourn them and miss them like Hell. It doesn't help them if I lose myself. That's important.

Magistrates & Courts etc. may issue demands, but there are systems to help people in your situation. You matter in this world.
Heck! You matter to us on AB. Stick with it,nailed it, please. :)

[Atheist]

Nailedit; "Love my granddaughter but its just another love that will
go away eventually."
You sound selfish. You might pop off and forget your granddaughter, but she will still be there and remember you. Think about her. Care about her. Does she want a granddad who was weak and selfish? Set her an example; show her that the Nailedit family is worth it.

[rowanwitch]

Sounds like an extended inpatient stay is overdue, you should not only get the medical help you need right now but input from social workers and debt teams. There is a way back but you need proper help. Family and friends are not going to be enough.

[nailedit]

Atheist...
//You sound selfish//
You don't think that I feel that already?

[nailedit]

//Sounds like an extended inpatient stay is overdue//
And I would welcome any intervention.
Back in Februrary I actually tried to cut my hand off during a
psychotic episode. 3 days in hospital and referred to the alcohol team.
Shrink didnt want to hear anything i had to say.
Dik...

[Old_Geezer]

You lost a friend and that's bad, we have all been through that so we know. You feel it is difficult to find the enthusiasm to do what needs to be done in life, but maybe one working incentive might be that you wouldn't see much of your granddaughter while you were in gaol.

Maybe it's worth pushing yourself to get some things done.

Meanwhile, find a friend of family member to offload on. Talking things through can help.

[Buenchico]

Have you tried these people, Nailedit?
https://www.scdas.org.uk/

[nailedit]

Lol Buen...
Am 'engaged' with these at the moment...have been for several weeks!
Up to now they have attended a doctors appointment with twice. Havn't heard from them since.
Was in police custody last week and told that they were informed and would be in touch the following day....
Still waiting.

All these organisations to ''help'' are a *** joke!

[divegirl]

I really do feel for you nailedit :( The problem is these agencies are so overwhelmed right now and it won't be getting better any time soon sadly.
I know you were in touch with tilly for a while so can assume you're not a mad axe murderer... If you'd like someone to talk to feel free to contact me via my throwaway email address :) [email protected]

Much love Lisa xx

[Atheist]

Nailedit. I can't begin to understand how you feel, and so any comments of mine are not meant to be either critical or well-meaning. What I was thinking is that you have a granddaughter and she has a grandad. You owe it to her to be there and to see her for as long as you can. She will think of you as her grandad and you should do your best to give her the gift of knowing that grandad was a lovely man and that he taught her things. That will perhaps take courage, but her future is perhaps more important than yours.
Everyone here thinks well of you and wishes you to get through your troubled times.

[nailedit]

Divegirl
//I know you were in touch with tilly for a while so can assume you're not a mad axe murderer...//
Me and Tilly had a pleasant hour enjoying lunch.
Hope I didn't come across as a mad axe man??

[nailedit]

// you have a granddaughter and she has a grandad. You owe it to her to be there and to see her for as long as you can//

My sole role for posting....

[divegirl]

hahaha no never! Like I said, if you need a mate then drop me a message and we'll go from there. Off to bed now but will check my email in the morning.
Hang on in there xxx

[david small]

I won’t offer you any gratuitous platitudes. I won’t identify with your self imposed hardships. I won’t tell you to pull yourself together. These are all well worn out upon nailits doorstep. You are the architect of your own misfortune. You’ve made mistakes by the dozen and insist on making more. Soft words and sympathy enable your own self loathing.
How about abandoning you. Leave the ego, guilt, recriminations behind.
Disappear up your own fundament so to speak. Disappear from stoke, reappear far away with a new name and a totally different personality.
Role play a part that appeals. Sounds daft? It’s been done many times I assure you. Give nails a long rest. Give the suppressed you a try. What’s to lose?