Should i break up with him? Yes?/No?/Temporarily?

[LostStar]

I've been with my bf for 3 yrs. For the past few months I've been on&off considering should I split up with him. I think that I'm bored, not of the commitment but because we don't really go out anywhere - he is agoraphobic (he was mugged a few years back)&I've tried to support him and get him help - over the past few years I've tried to get him to take little steps too but there is only so much I can do. I want to go out&have a laugh and enjoy myself once in a while but we don't do anything and every week have the same routine of seeing each other around work. I don't want to blame him, however in the early stages I had to choose between my 'friends' &him � and of course I chose him, so other than a couple of mates who live away at Uni I haven't got anyone else. I've suggested a break before, but he doesn't take me seriously. He thinks I'm going through another bad patch but it's something I'm constantly thinking about. Has anybody out there had a break, got back together and had a successful relationship? I know he loves me & I used to love him, but I don't know anymore (- I do really care about him). It'd break his heart for us to split up& he'd go off the rails. I think sometimes I just moan too much at him& since I first fell for him he's put on weight, not bothered about what he wears and drinks a lot more. I think that if I don't love him the way he is then he shouldn't change � I should. I don't want sex and I don't feel happy- I've said maybe we'd be better apart, but he says he'd be more unhappy without me in his life. I feel trapped. I think a lot of it is my feelings and I am trying to find faults in him to justify why I feel like I do� After a while together, my family have said how he is part of the family&they really like him. I get on well with his family too&am close to his mum. Help. Should I split up with him? I appreciate you reading this long post.

[benjiesmum]

the fact that you are questioning your relationship with your boyfriend makes me wonder why you are there at all. Yes he may tell you that he would be unhappy without you but he doesn't seem to be thinking about or considering your well-being. He does not seem to be bothering about things that do matter to most of us - like appearance etc. You are not helping him by feeding this state of affairs. Maybe you leaving him would be a wake up call for him. As they are at the moment things are going to get worse aren't they. Things don't seem to be getting better. If on the other hand you've been only thinking this because you are not going out anywhere may be you should just go out and explain to him that you need to go out sometimes. You say you see him around work so I presume he does work and therfore is able to go out some of the time and is therfore not completely agrophobic? If it's the night time he is worried about , try going out during the day at the weekend.

[jno]

toughone, but you are right, you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. You seem unhappy; it's hard to see any way that this will change if things go on as they are (they sound as if they're slowly getting worse, in fact).

You're staying with him because:
- he'd be unhappy if you left
- your parents would be unhappy if you left
- he thinks you're just going through a bad patch (but he's the agoraphobic!)

No mention of yourself in there, which is very forbearing of you; but you do have to take your own interests to heart, as nobody else appears to be doing so. You're behaving more like his mother, devoting yourself to his well-being; and he's not returning the favour. It seems, as well as the agoraphobia, he's already becoming like a married man, letting himself go, taking you for granted, drinking, and implying that there's something wrong with you if you want to change anything.

But you are hardly doing anything wrong in wanting to go out sometimes, wishing you had someone you wanted sex with, wishing you still had your friends. I think you're entitled to a more fulfilled life than you've got now, and it doesn't look as if you'll get it while you're still with him. I know breaking up is hard to do, it always just seems easier to stay in a relationship, however bad. But your instincts are right: you need to break free. Good luck, whatever your choose.

[MrBen5]

Hmmm, if your questioning whether you should split or not, i think you already have your answer. Its no good looking for excuses why you should be staying with him. Just cos you like him (as a friend now) doesnt mean you should stay with him just for the sake of it. You should really have had a chat when things were starting to go wrong and agreed on things. That way, when it does get to the point your at, its easier to break up, yet stay good friends...

[mimi-moomoo]

Your saying you feel guilty for wanting him to change but in a way you shouldn't. If he doesn't want you to leave then you both have to be prepared to talk truthfully and make things right. I told my boyfriend I didn't feel attracted to him anymore but instead of ending it I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he didn't want me to leave so we had a break and after 2 months we'd both changed and we're longing for eachother! Now we're back together and stronger than before because all we needed was some time to think and change. Don't leave him unless you really have to because you fell in love with him for a reason.

[LostStar]

Thank you for your comments Jno,MrBen5 and mimi-moomoo - i am still totally torn but i'm taking everything on board. Mimi-moomoo: Did you break up on conditions, like not seeing other people in that time?

Anybodyelse who has experienced a similar thing or think they can advise me it would be very appreciated. Thank you.

[lizzydrippin]

I so know how you feel LostStar, I am also living with a partner who though I love him very much and absolutely find the thought of hurting him unbearable, I dont love him in a romantic way anymore, in fact I think even in the very beginning I didnt feel passionate about him. I had just come out of an extremely volatile and passionate long-term relationship where the breaking up was so painful and not what I wanted at the time (tho years later I could see clearly that it was the best thing that could happen). When I got together with my present partner I was happy to be with someone that I didnt feel crazy in love with, it was more of a safe, steady kind of love, no extremes. Like you we dont go out at all and though Im probably somewhat older than you I still feel like it would be nice to do something together occasionally. There's a chance you may make the break and then look back in 6 mths time and say "I had no idea how great life was going to become for both of us after we made the break". I dont think it will be as simple as you making the decision to stick with it. It'll just keep on niggling away at you at the back of your mind and you'll be unhappy. At least in a way the relationship will stand a chance of recovering if you have a break from eachother (no conditions) rather than it just trundle along with you becoming more introvert and always thinking about what you could be missing.

[LostStar]

Lizzydrippin thank you for you response - i don't feel so alone! and also i agree that we have a better chance in the long run if aomething is done now. I've been keeping contact to a minimum over the last few days as a tester... but he just keeps contacting me and texting to see how i am, telling me how much he loves me and i feel really guilty ( i am replying though). I am coming around to the idea of breaking it to him but my stomach churns at the thought of it and i don't know how long to say for... a month, two? and with no contact at all... i just haven't a clue where to draw the line.... i feel so hopeless at the mo... Good luck with your situation, keep me posted on how it goes.

[lizzydrippin]

If I was you LostStar ( and not me who obviously cant manage to follow my own advice) I wouldnt put a definite time limit to the break but keep it vague. You never know after one short week you may feel totally different to how you feel now. Once the pressure is off and you've finally split you may feel like running straight back to him. So its not too much for him to cope with just say you want to break up for 'awhile'. If he presses you for how long exactly then just be honest and say there's no way you can tell how long you'll need. You just want to find yourself and all that. You might even be pleasantly surprised at how well he copes without you, He may even make a big effort to do something about his 'agrophobia' and you'll start to see him in a whole new light. You could end up feeling really impressed at how the shock of you breaking with him led him to turn his own life around. Your feelings for him might then start re-kindleing. Im sure it'll be all good in the long-run. Keep in touch.

[LostStar]

Hello... Update: We sat down, had a very long chat... lots of tears and he was really understanding and i was surprised that his reaction to us having a 'break' was not as bad as i thought it was going to be. Maybe i shouldn't have told him i didn't love him anymore.. I know that really hurt him and it made me upset even more. But we, well i haven't set a time limit on it but so far we've spent a few days apart and are only texting each other occasionally. It's all a bit wierd especially knowing we were both spending New Years all by ourselves, both alone and without each other... but i think in the long run i'll get myself together and sort out what i feel.

[LostStar]

Hi guys, anyone still out there? Another update, we had just over 2 weeks apart for our break, in the end and were back together. But nothing changed and i don't think i benefited anything so i ended it last night. I don't know whether or not it was the right thing to do and it broke my heart to leave, but i know i have hurt him a lot and now i feel really alone. If it's something that i felt i had to do, then why do i feel so guilty and that i am so on my own now??