Should i be concerned???

[justconfused]

Last week i went to my exes flat to have a "talk"! We split up april 2006, got back for a year altho did not live together again, then split feb 2008. We are still separated but stil married. And things have been very strained between us. Anyway i was concerned when i got into his flat as he had loads of stuff, furniture etc that i had! exactly the same even down to the same speaker system for his computer - maybe this sounds silly but it was all like a carbon copy of the place i was living in! He even had until recently exactly the same car as mine even down to the unusual colour and i had got rid of that car bout 12 years ago!!! He has always given me mixed messages and says he is ecstatic one minute and depressed the next and not happy with his life!! He apparently has been seeing someone on and off for some months but still says he would go back and change it if he could??? Should i be concerned by his behaviour? Any advice would be great. Thanks

[sara3]

has he been in your home to see all this stuff?

and yes, it's a bit weird!

[justconfused]

well he hasnt been in the house i live now - but i had this stuff where i lived before and he was there all the time when we were getting back together. I know some people have similar styles but we are talking exactly the same table and chairs, bedroom furniture, speaker system etc. And most of this stuff he has said he has only recently bought which i find even more strange as we split up just over a year ago - and most of that time he has been so horrible to me!!!????

[sara3]

he sounds a tad obsessed! don't mess with his feelings or make him think there's hope when there's none.

he may be a bit unstable, but I'm no expert!

[redcrx]

Id just leave him to get on with his life, he may be trying to surround himself with familiar things.

it doesnt effect you directly what furniture he has does it?

[Squitty]

Did you check the wardrobe? - If he has the same gear as you then I would be very concerned ;o)

[justconfused]

Thanks for your replies.

redcrx - he has been left to get on with his life - in fact he ended the relationship - and no it doesnt really affect my life but there is a lot more to this situation than i have put on here. We have a son whom my ex does not see at the moment, a lot of his behaviour is extremely self destructive and i am really not being horrible to him in fact it has been the other way around!! i was just worried that he is a little unstable and maybe not letting go of stuff!
I understand the "familiar things" but as they are not things from our home " together " i just wondered if it was a little strange!!

Squitty - lol - no he doesnt wear dresses!! lol

He even goes to lengths to say that he does not have things that i bought him, cards, gifts etc and that he has "thrown them all away" and then says that no he has kept them!! i just find it a bit odd - there is nothing wrong with keeping things at all but why feel the need to lie about it???? He seems quite confused and as i said he says he feels depressed i am worried bout him.

[justconfused]

Just a little more back ground to show why i am concerned.

He is in massive debt! He had been gambling before we originally split up and we lost our home cos of it! Also in this new place he has he owes rent, council tax, utility bills etc. He admits his drinking is an escape and he got made redundant at the end of jan from a very good job with a great salary and he still ran up lots of debt! He has every gadget known to man yet still does not pay bills! He has no family and friends who i think know very little of his predicament. He has been extremely angry and awkward since we split even tho he instigated it and very resentful towards me!!! The reason i visited him last week was on his say so and the previous day to this he had been texting me "friendly" and confided in me how much in a mess he was, how depressed etc and talked bout being on "borrowed time"! I really feel for him and would love to help him but he just seems to put a guard up straight away!!! I suppose my first post was a bit tongue in cheek but i am genuinely concerned for his well being!! Any more advice welcome. Thanks

[bednobs]

my advice?
1) stay away from him
2) step away from the exclamation marks

[brenda]

Why do you feel it necessary to be involved at all with this stupid man ?Do you have children together, monetary , property issues to sort out ? If not , move on ,get your divorce sorted , otherwise he will pull you down and you 'll end up taking him back.
Do you like being kicked in the head emotionally speaking?

[justconfused]

bednobs and brenda - thanks for your replies - will note the exclamation mark comments lol

Brenda - yes we do have an eleven year old son together and obviously he gives me maintenance for my son so i do have a monetary involvement with him - i am not stupid and have no wish to be back with him. My son has not been seeing his father for many reasons and i support my son whatever he decides to do. That really is my main cause for concern. I know he misses my son but i want to know he is stable in all aspects of his life before allowing my son to see his father so i suppose all this odd behaviour just gives me more doubt as to whether he should. As far as i am concerned his life is his own but where we have a child together obviously his well being will affect our lives. So no to being kicked in the head as you put it thank you but obviously its not only myself to think about here. I was with my husband for 12 years and have known him for 19 years all told. There are many other aspects to this situation and his issues that i dont want to go into just to say that this situation is not as plain as it seems. I myself have a stable situation for myself and my son a loving family and many friends whom support us and am very lucky. I just thought i would see what others thought on here. Thank you for you input

[tamborine]

how would you feel if your son lived with him and didn't want to see you? Father is sorely depressed....he has little to work/live for. Only you can help him and build a bridge with his son.

[justconfused]

Thanks Tamborine -

I know my husband is depressed but he was the one that instigated not seeing my son unfortunately and its got to the point where my son is confused by him and doesnt trust him. I have always supported there relationship and tried my hardest to stop him putting distance between himself and his child - and if it were me it would break my heart but unfortunately my husband has just spiralled into a self destructive phase from the moment we split he was seeing my son sporadically up until last oct - he was choosing to go out and get drunk and pursue other things when he should have been seeing my son - he had a flat job friends new gf and money and car until very recently so this has nothing to do with not seeing my son - unfortunately he says we come as a package? and i think as we cant be all together he finds it hard to deal with. i have fought tooth and nail for them to keep a relationship going but to no avail

this situation unfortunately is not straight forward - and by his own admission he has many demons most of which have affected him his whole life and its very sad - so he is really not like this because of my son i think its because of all his regret of which he has many and i can sympathise but he never seems to learn

thanks

[tamborine]

Sounds like a manic-depressive.....he needs prof help but more he needs you. He's too proud to admit it though. You will have to tread v.gently and treat him like a sick & spoilt child - if you want him to gain respect from his son. If you can do this you will also be protecting your son from depression due to guilt in his later life.

It's a long shot - but am looking in as an outsider. Please don't think I am blaming you; am trying to help as I see it.

[justconfused]

Thanks again Tamborine

You are right he does need professional help = he has been to counselling a few times but seems to lose interest because the fix isnt quick enough!

I have been trying to reason with him for 3 years now and its wearing me down but i will not give up totally because of our son.

I think you are right also that he needs me although that makes me feel guilty because i know i can cope without him dont get me wrong i loved him totally and was devastated when we split but knew it was inevitable as he would never deal with issues so was gonna come to this at some point - he just seems to run away and ignore everything until he is on his last legs so to speak. I wil try to keep the lines of communication open for as long as i can

thanks for your advice

[metreid]

seems he's not very 'balanced' secure in himself or willing to be his own person..
unless he is willing to talk openly, honestly and work at it I suggest you give up and find someone who has their own personality! why do you continue?have eyu asked yourself the validity of you continuing?

[justconfused]

thankyou for your advice - i am not continuing anything with him as such! our relationship is over as a marriage but i do care about him as a human being and he is my sons father so thats why i continue to have dialogue with him as all separated/divorced people should if they have children.

i agree he is not balance and i spose thats the reason i put my question on here to find out if other people thought the same and it seems they do as i thought they would but sometimes its just comforting and supportive to get advice. Thankyou all very much