Private Eye Crossword 791 Parsing Help?
Crosswords0 min ago
The Answerbank Radio Show- Episode 7
62 Answers
In the village of Answerbank Under the Wold (twinned with Death Valley, California), the village coffee shop, Ms Maizie's Food & Drink Emporium, was unusually busy. This was due to the fact that the pub was closed for the day for a new carpet fitting.
The door burst open and in stomped a grim faced Ms TTFN, closely followed by Ms Starbuckone
"How did it go in court, love?" asked Ms Maizie.
"It was a bloody joke" snarled Ms TTFN. "I took her with me as legal adviser and she was useless."
Ms Starbuckone protested "I told you I was a qualified Barista. I don't know anything about the law"
"So what happened?" asked Ms Maizie
"I went to get a restraining order against my stalker, Mr Moonraker. We were before that NewJudge, and he made an order that Moonie cannot come within three inches of me. Apparently they'd been in the same gents toilet earlier, and NewJudge assured me a 3" order would keep me safe."
From the bin store behind the coffee shop, a dishevelled figure emerged. Mr Clanad was an American tourist who had been driving through the village some years ago. He had had a minor collison with a lamp-post and had dutifully called the police. The then village policeman had told him certain forms needed completing and instructed Mr Clanad not to leave the area. Unfortunately the PC had dropped dead of a heart attack on his way back to the station. After several months, Mr Clanad had run out of money, his wife stopped taking his reverse charge calls, declared him dead and she had run off to Moosejaw, Canada with the insurance money. Mr Clanad now lived in the bin store, ate leftovers and occasionally made a few coppers by juggling stale bread rolls outside the pub on a Saturday night.
Sitting at the cafe counter was a despondent Ms Murraymints, and Ms Gness the barmaid. "So your blind date who stood you up says he is called Antonio, drives a Porsche and looks like Brad Pitt? I can't think of anyone in the village like that" said Ms Gness.
"Aye, the wee scunner" replied Ms Murraymints.
"Let's go for a walk around the village and see if we can find him" said Ms Gness.
Huddled in a corner of the coffee shop was Ms Vodkancoke (still on bail and not yet convicted) with her friend Ms Marval, the safebreaker.
"Look" said Vodkancoke, pointing out of the window "there's that ChinaDoll. I know her face from somewhere"
Ms Marval laughed." You have a short memory. She was on the next landing to us in Holloway last year. She is a con artist."
"I knew she wasn't Ms Craft's daughter, Chardonnay. Right, let's follow her and see what she is up to."
Ms Vodkancoke's face paled as they left the coffee shop and headed towards a moped parked nearby."Please tell me these aren't the wheels you said you 'borrowed' Marval?"
"Yeah, why, what's the problem?"
"This Honda 50 belongs to Sunny-Dave. We are in deep trouble. There is only one thing we can do and that is dump it in the river."
The two women wheeled the moped across the green to the river Cess and unceremoniously dumped it in the water, inadvertently concussing Ms Divegirl who was recovering a sunken pedallo for Ms Humbersloop.
The whole event was witnessed by Tonyav the plumber, who was frantically scouring the village in his white van for the blind date he had unavoidably stood up. He had seen no-one remotely resembling Cheryl Cole. He braked suddenly to see what the two women were doing, and as he did so the polystyrene cup of scalding coffee balanced on the dashboard flew off and landed on his lap. His screams reverberated around the village and first on the scene was Ms Rowanwitch.
"By eye of newt and tail of cat
No way on earth am I touching that"
She was unceremoniously elbowed out of the way by a kindly looking woman, who said "I'll deal with this."
(cue theme music as episode ends)
The door burst open and in stomped a grim faced Ms TTFN, closely followed by Ms Starbuckone
"How did it go in court, love?" asked Ms Maizie.
"It was a bloody joke" snarled Ms TTFN. "I took her with me as legal adviser and she was useless."
Ms Starbuckone protested "I told you I was a qualified Barista. I don't know anything about the law"
"So what happened?" asked Ms Maizie
"I went to get a restraining order against my stalker, Mr Moonraker. We were before that NewJudge, and he made an order that Moonie cannot come within three inches of me. Apparently they'd been in the same gents toilet earlier, and NewJudge assured me a 3" order would keep me safe."
From the bin store behind the coffee shop, a dishevelled figure emerged. Mr Clanad was an American tourist who had been driving through the village some years ago. He had had a minor collison with a lamp-post and had dutifully called the police. The then village policeman had told him certain forms needed completing and instructed Mr Clanad not to leave the area. Unfortunately the PC had dropped dead of a heart attack on his way back to the station. After several months, Mr Clanad had run out of money, his wife stopped taking his reverse charge calls, declared him dead and she had run off to Moosejaw, Canada with the insurance money. Mr Clanad now lived in the bin store, ate leftovers and occasionally made a few coppers by juggling stale bread rolls outside the pub on a Saturday night.
Sitting at the cafe counter was a despondent Ms Murraymints, and Ms Gness the barmaid. "So your blind date who stood you up says he is called Antonio, drives a Porsche and looks like Brad Pitt? I can't think of anyone in the village like that" said Ms Gness.
"Aye, the wee scunner" replied Ms Murraymints.
"Let's go for a walk around the village and see if we can find him" said Ms Gness.
Huddled in a corner of the coffee shop was Ms Vodkancoke (still on bail and not yet convicted) with her friend Ms Marval, the safebreaker.
"Look" said Vodkancoke, pointing out of the window "there's that ChinaDoll. I know her face from somewhere"
Ms Marval laughed." You have a short memory. She was on the next landing to us in Holloway last year. She is a con artist."
"I knew she wasn't Ms Craft's daughter, Chardonnay. Right, let's follow her and see what she is up to."
Ms Vodkancoke's face paled as they left the coffee shop and headed towards a moped parked nearby."Please tell me these aren't the wheels you said you 'borrowed' Marval?"
"Yeah, why, what's the problem?"
"This Honda 50 belongs to Sunny-Dave. We are in deep trouble. There is only one thing we can do and that is dump it in the river."
The two women wheeled the moped across the green to the river Cess and unceremoniously dumped it in the water, inadvertently concussing Ms Divegirl who was recovering a sunken pedallo for Ms Humbersloop.
The whole event was witnessed by Tonyav the plumber, who was frantically scouring the village in his white van for the blind date he had unavoidably stood up. He had seen no-one remotely resembling Cheryl Cole. He braked suddenly to see what the two women were doing, and as he did so the polystyrene cup of scalding coffee balanced on the dashboard flew off and landed on his lap. His screams reverberated around the village and first on the scene was Ms Rowanwitch.
"By eye of newt and tail of cat
No way on earth am I touching that"
She was unceremoniously elbowed out of the way by a kindly looking woman, who said "I'll deal with this."
(cue theme music as episode ends)
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I decided to hire a man to do the boring garden work. He arrived this morning and all was going well until I sat in the utility room to read this MrsO.
Fits of laughter and tears running down my face when a head appeared around the door. "You all right love?" "Fine," I squeaked. "Well, something`s tickled your fancy. Want to share it?"
Imagine trying to share this!!!!
Brilliant!
Fits of laughter and tears running down my face when a head appeared around the door. "You all right love?" "Fine," I squeaked. "Well, something`s tickled your fancy. Want to share it?"
Imagine trying to share this!!!!
Brilliant!
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