Festive Dingbats 2024 C/D 6Th Jan
Quizzes & Puzzles1 min ago
A Letter Of Complaint To The Bank... I Hope Its True
14 Answers
...
The followingletter is from a seventy-eight-year-old woman, writing to her bank manager (who was so impressed he sent it to The Times).
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque, with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I notice that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret it cannot be shorter than twenty eight digits, but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and listen to
The followingletter is from a seventy-eight-year-old woman, writing to her bank manager (who was so impressed he sent it to The Times).
Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque, with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three ‘nanoseconds’ must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I notice that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret it cannot be shorter than twenty eight digits, but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorised Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and listen to
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It is very clever, and way before the Internet, I did implement a version of myself.
To cut a long story short -
my bank at the time gave me a verbal assurance of a loan for a holiday, which my wife and I booked for us, and our children.
When we returned to sign the papers, we were told that the loan was declined, no reason, no discussion, so I had to tell my children we were not going away as we had planned.
Furious, i decided to move banks, and I asked my new bank to pay off the £1,000 loan I had with the old bank, and take on the loan, and they agreed.
They sent the £1,000 over to my old bank, who mistgakenly put it in my current account, instead of paying the loan.
I promptly withdrew it in cash, and then wrote to the bank, telling them I now had £1,000 of their money.
I would repay this money at a rate of £50 per month, minus the current interest rate.
If I needed to telephone them to query anything, i would deduct £5 from the balance, and if i need to write, I would deduct £20. Incoming calls and letters would attract a similar deduction to pay for my time.
They threatend to take me to court.
i threatened to take them to the Ombudsman.
They wrote off £700 of the loan and closed my account.
I advised them that they owed me a further £20 in respect of the letter closing my account, without any real hope of receiving it.
Six months later, i got a 'cold call' inviting me to bank with the same bank - i told them I would stick needles in my eyes before I would even walk past their branch, never mind inside and speak to anyone.
So - you can beat a burocracy, you just have to play them at their own game.
To cut a long story short -
my bank at the time gave me a verbal assurance of a loan for a holiday, which my wife and I booked for us, and our children.
When we returned to sign the papers, we were told that the loan was declined, no reason, no discussion, so I had to tell my children we were not going away as we had planned.
Furious, i decided to move banks, and I asked my new bank to pay off the £1,000 loan I had with the old bank, and take on the loan, and they agreed.
They sent the £1,000 over to my old bank, who mistgakenly put it in my current account, instead of paying the loan.
I promptly withdrew it in cash, and then wrote to the bank, telling them I now had £1,000 of their money.
I would repay this money at a rate of £50 per month, minus the current interest rate.
If I needed to telephone them to query anything, i would deduct £5 from the balance, and if i need to write, I would deduct £20. Incoming calls and letters would attract a similar deduction to pay for my time.
They threatend to take me to court.
i threatened to take them to the Ombudsman.
They wrote off £700 of the loan and closed my account.
I advised them that they owed me a further £20 in respect of the letter closing my account, without any real hope of receiving it.
Six months later, i got a 'cold call' inviting me to bank with the same bank - i told them I would stick needles in my eyes before I would even walk past their branch, never mind inside and speak to anyone.
So - you can beat a burocracy, you just have to play them at their own game.
sorry pìxie...heres the missing bit/ending
To make a general complaint or enquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
To make a general complaint or enquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
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