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Help! I feel I am going to jump out of my skin!
I met this person almost 2 mths ago, and it was wrong from the start. From instinct I knew he wasn't the one but I gave it a benefit of a doubt. Big mistake. From the second meeting, he was already putting me in a position I don't want to be in. I wanted to break ties with this person ever since then; it spiral down to hell for me after that. He diverge into 2 roles mainly being either the sad apologetic sweet talker to the easily-temper, manipulative bully - where all the guilt and wrong was allocated onto me. Being a sucker, I fell for his sad apologies and tears. I can't stand seeing a guy cry. I can't believe I even bend my back backwards for this man that made me feel miserable. I finally ended things indefinitely 3 days ago in a gentle fashion - saying him and I are of different world and that prolonging things would only extend unnecessary suffering (that is becoming too obliviously evident) - hence, the reason that I had repeatedly asked to end things. I hope he would come into terms with it, but I feel so emotionally numb when it comes to this person that I can't care to turn back.
I should be very happy, since I can finally escape from a very bad situation. Yet, my mind is toying with me, it keeps on playing images of what happened shy of last 2 months. How did it all happen? How come I was stuck in such a bad situation so long? It couldn't have be so bad. To what extend do we give people a benefit of a doubt, telling ourselves that "we are human, we are flawed."? (No one person is a perfect jerk just as there isn't a perfect person, even the most notorious 1s have their moments.) On the same hand, how do we show kindness and yet protect ourselves? I feel like such a fool, shocked, and disorientated.
Any words or advices of sanity would be appreciated.
Answers
No best answer has yet been selected by ms_neurotic. Once a best answer has been selected, it will be shown here.
For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ.Just one thing to add is that people who do this are very skilled at it. They are the emotional equivalent of the worst kind of cold call salesman (no offence intended) First they have a natural ability then they hone it with practice. They know which buttons to push, what to say, when to change tack and its all deliberate. Jacey is right. You have been mugged. It will take time to get over it but if you can begin to think of it in terms of a mugging or other dishonest behaviour that you have been an innocent victim of, then hopefully that will help.
The upside is that people like this are in a minority and once bitten is twice shy. Obviously you are strong yourself or you wouldn't have walked away. Stay strong, be kind to yourself now and give yourself time to recover.
Thankyou for being brave and posting. Hopefully other people who read this will get a warning from it if presented with a similar situation
Good luck, come on here if you need to talk x x x
you are not alone in this, my ex was exactly the same - he had terrible mood swings, would suddenly get into a big mad mood about something or other, laying all the blame on me and making me feel responsible for his bad mood. I would spent endless night feeling guilty and apologising, while all the while knowing that I hadn't done anything wrong. I spent 13 months with him, and was on edge the whole time. Every night out was a stress, wondering whether we'd end the night well, or whether it would result in him screaming at me in the street for something I had apparantly done. Once he had got it all out of his system and I was a crying wreck, he'd turn it around and start crying himself, which made it impossible for me to walk away from him. Manipulative little ****, he knew exactly what he was doing.
What I've since worked out is that he knew that he was inferior to me, and so put me down as much as possible in order to make himself feel superior. is this maybe what your ex was doing?
Men like this find women who avoid confrontation and then use that to their advantage. They can scream at you for no good reason, and then tug on your heartstrings to make you forgive them, somehow hiding the fact that you didn't deserve the shouting match in the first place. My ex treated me like **** the whole time, but somehow I never ended it. And I hate myself for the time I wasted on him and his personality defects.
From what you describe it sounds like this guy was suffering from a mood disorder and needed some professional help.
IMHO you were right to get away from him. However, I do have sympathy for people who suffer from mental problems, especially if they are undiagnosed. Ou society is quite intolerant of mental health issues, and I feel that some people try to deny that they are ill, even when they are behaving very bizzarely. The sudden mood changes and the crying are a clear sign that this guy could not cope with what he was feeling. Maybe there had been trouble in his family and upbringing; it's often the case.
I must admit, I would rather be you, free and l clear, than him, as he will probably replicate this needy behaviour over and over again if someone doesn't help him to see that he is in trouble.
I think I'm sympathetic because my father suffered from mood changes all his life, and I never saw him happy through a whole day. His illness made his life, and ours, very hard indeed.
Cheers, Philos
PS - I have done some work in the mental health area myself, and sadly I have seen this pattern quite a few times over the years.
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