Where Has The Purity Gone?

[chaps]

I've been a reader of this fine website for years and years, I recommend it to people every day...yet only now do I find I truly need someone to talk to.

My problem is about women...I'm 26 years old, male and to be brutally honest, I'm not happy. In fact I'm miserable. Recently it has dawned on me that you can work your entire life, you can persue a career, you can save up stacks of cash and posessions yet without someone to share it with...it's all worthless!

I've had a couple of girlfriends in my 26 years...yet as soon as they tell me that they are not a virgin, something changes in me because I AM a virgin.

It's a real mix of emotions...I mean, I could go out and have sex with women if I wanted, women who are game aren't exactly thin on the ground but that's not what I want.

I'm not religious but I do believe that to have sex with a partner who means the world to me is the only way! Not necessarily ONLY after marriage but when you are positive this person is for you. So many people give away their virginity so easily.

I have read topics about this on the answerbank before but it's not quite the same for me...it's not about wanting to control or own a woman...some guys say they are bothered about a partners sexual history to a point where their relationship is destroyed. I just could not go through life with someone, knowing deep down that they have had sex with someone else, it burns this imaginary image in your mind.

Women admit that when they lose their virginity, no matter who it is with, what the circumstances, they will always remember it. Do I want to go through life with a woman who will always remember her first sexual experience and it being without me? No...it would tear me apart!

[chaps]

I'm worried that I am getting too old to find a virgin who would be interested in me, worried that one day I will have to "make do" with someone I'm not truly happy with for the sake of not being alone. I'm a good guy y'know? I'm honest and loyal and I would do anything for the right person...but where do I find this person?

Maybe that person is here thinking the same thing as me, who knows? I don't even know why I am posting on this website aside from the fact that the people here are friendly and helpful.

[~posy-jo~]

i really hope u find the right person 4 u chaps. u sound lovely. i understand where u r coming from both myself and my husband had other sexual partners before we met and although i love him to pieces and i never want to be with anybody in that way other than him we have both said we wish each other had been our first. there will b someone out there who feels like u i hope u find her xXx

[Champagne]

Hi Chaps. I�m really sorry to hear about your predicament. And I really do think it is a predicament, solely because the majority of people this day and age do not wait until they are married before losing their virginity. Personally I admire and respect you for it. You sound like an articulate, intelligent, rational man and I sincerely hope that you find your dream woman. Virgins do exist, but they are few and far between. If you are really miserable because of this situation then I suggest you find some way of broadening your mind and changing your viewpoint on sex.

Best of luck. xx

[caz21]

What if a girl walked into your life and you fell completely head over heels in love with her and she was your soulmate and then you found out she wasn't a virgin?
its in the past and we all have to lose it sometime, i know in a perfect ideal world we would like to think we were the only relationships our partners had ever had coz its not nice thinking they have been with someone else!

What would happen if you found a girl who was a virgin fell in love married, changed your feelings towards her and split up, which can and does happen? you'd not be a virgin then and you'd find someone else who you could love just as much! and i can tell you from experience i dont think twice about my first! only the one i'm with!

[Ethel]

I do hope you find your life partner, chaps.

But I want to tell you that I go years without thinking of previous partners, and when I do it is rather like recalling a book I read long ago but has no significance in my life now.

I certainly don't dwell on the past, or fantasise about my ex loves.

You need to address your jealousy because if you let it, it will ruin your life.

Don't settle for a second best - wait for THE right person, but don't dismiss a possibility just because of her history.

Think of the relationships you have at the moment - you have family and friends who mean a lot to you. But each relationship is very different and unique - you are the same but you are different to each.

That is exactly how it is with exes. The lucky lady will have a totally different relationship with you, will show aspects of her personality that no one else has seen. It will be new and special, unique. The dynamics will not be the same at all.

But please give thought to your jealousy and insecurity.

Good luck.

[Catso]

You do seem a bit hung up on the virginity thing, both for yourself and/or your partner. It doesn't matter. I'd second (third?) what caz and ethel say; despite what you think, if you're in love with someone, you don't spend your time thinking of all your/their past partners, how good or not they were and whether they were virgins. If you're in love, there is only the one relationship - the one you're in.

And, if you keep thinking about this 'burning image', you're just going to lose the people you love. Or put them off ever knowing you in the first place.

There's a saying, one form of which is: 'there's a lid for every pot'. There is someone for you, they will be the most special person in your life and you'll probably wish you'd met them earlier. But life isn't like that; when you find them, be grateful you've found them, don't let worrying about the past, real or imagined, spoil what you have.

[Catso]

BTW, I didn't find my special person till I was 40, and they were divorced. Doesn't worry me, I'm just pleased we're together now.

[noxlumos]

Chaps I hope you find someone for you too, but you are living a romantic ideal and it's making you unhappy.It's like chasing the holy grail if you find it there's a danger you'll focus on it so much that it'll disappear and it won't have mattered then if she was a virgin or not. Your life partner is not going to be soiled goods just because she is not a virgin and a girl may say she's a virgin and lie so you'd have no sure way of knowing in any case.How would you feel if you met a girl who'd had no sexual experience aside of being raped perhaps? She'd not be a virgin but she'd surely not be less worthy because of that? I think a word you used "purity" is perhaps what you're truly after ( I was as well) and my first wife ( heinous bitch) was a virgin and it really failed miserably as a mariage and we split up very unhappily. My second wife is pure, of heart, mind and spirit but had her own child by another man when I married her, yet her purity eclipsed my first wife's completely as she was the right woman for me and loves me unconditionally. Try not to exclude such a large percentage of people from your happiness or you may indeed end alone and that would be terrible as you're obviously a nice person who wants something more than the usual, but please don''t label people as second best just because they've had previous sexual partners as you'll do yourself and them a huge dis-service.

[purpose]

I remember my first time, it's true.

I was 19 and thought i was in love with the man in question. We married and were happy for a very short time.

I have neither happy nor sad memories of it to be honest!

Luckily, my subsequent partners have been more than happy to accept the fact i was not a virgin... for they a) are realists and b) LOVE me.

Don't stop living because of an 'ideal' you have... it is clearly making you unhappy!

(Personally i don't think it is ideal... imagine waiting for the right virgin to come along... get married... have sex... and then... urgh... what if it is vile...? What then...?)

[hannah333]

Once you meet someone who you feel is your 'soulmate' and who you care a lot about, I think that there are issues and emotions that are much more important, current and relevant than anything to do with our past partners. However, if you are concerned now about the virginity issue then I imagine that it would be quite hard for you to imagine feeling this way about someone who is not a virgin. Just the way some people go through life saying, for example, 'I could never be with a man who earns less than a certain amount', but then they fall head over heals with someone who is bankrupt. Basically what I am saying is that I think that sometimes our emotions over ride our pre requisits in a partner.

[Hermit]

For the sake of your eventual lifetime relationship I think you must have sex as soon as possible. My first time was with someone I ended up with long term and although I loved her, curiosity about what it would be like with someone else began to eat away at me and whilst its nothing to be proud of, I think thats natural for blokes so could affect you too.

I can also tell you that the woman in question was a lot older than me so certainly wasn't a virgin and I suffered all the jealousies you talk about really badly but now I honestly think its an inevitable feeling in first relationships but is an obsession that you grow out of once you've got an ex.

Bear in mind as well, that curiosity may not be just a bloke thing so maybe someone experienced will be less likely to stray themselves.

In short, I suggest you just get on and have a pleasurable sexual relationship now as it will be good emotional development.

[metagirl]

It always amazes me how hung up men are on sex. Before we married, my husband wanted to know my 'list' and thought I was lying when I told him I could not remember the details of some of the experiences.

Of course I remember my first, but for a girl (at least for me and my friends) losing one's virginity was something one had to do before entering university - we were very adament about that - the actual experience of it was relatively unimportant. I had sex with my then boyfriend and afterwards told him I was not really interested in having anymore sex because it "was not that big of a deal" and I didn't want to run the risk of getting pregnant. I think I even made him wear double condems! So you see women may "always remember" their first time, but not necessarily romantically! More in an "oh my god how young and silly I was!" way which is always good for a laugh.

It is refreshing to hear someone who feels so romantically about sex, we are all so cynical and blase about it now. But it may be hard for you to find someone with the lack of experience you desire and you don't want to miss out on the potential soulmates that are out there!

[Hermit]

That last piece of advice was spot on metagirl -its hard enough to find a soul mate without excluding people over something that eventually you'll come to realise is not that important.

[khana]

Is it possible that you are focussing on the virginty issue as you have a fear of intimacy or there is some other problem that you may not be aware of ?.

I'm sorry if I am way off the mark and don't mean to cause any offence, I'm just trying to look at things with a fifferent point of view.

Either way, there is certainly plenty of good advice on offer here.

[maggie01]

I have been married for 39 yrs and my husband is the only partner I have ever had and vise versa (as far as I know), but people change and although we will probably stay married, I would not consider us particularly soul mates. At 26, I doubt many girls will be virgins unless a lot younger than yourself. You could be missing out on life and never find your soul mate. Good luck in your search.

[alijangra]

Life is too short. You will be 80 and looking back on it before you realise. Your time on earth is precious and I would worry you are spending time searching for an ideal that is almost impossible to find. Your soul mate may be round the corner, does it really matter that they have slept with someone other than you? I think you have sexual issues that make you feel a woman is unworthy just because she has been in a previous relationship. Sex is a part of adult life, not something dirty and sordid!!

[chaps]

Thank you so much for all your replies...so much to think about!

I don't want to have to go through the rest of my life trying to supress bad thoughts, I'd so much rather there were no bad thoughts to supress. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and all that.

caz21 "I don't think twice about my first, only the one I'm with" I can't tell you how much that helps...if there's one thing that someone could have said to reassure me, that was it! Thank you!

I don't think I'm ever likely to find a virgin and if I did, the chances that we would also be mentally compatable is slim...maybe I should just go and lose my virginity easily like everybody else, give it away to someone who doesn't deserve it, maybe then I will feel worse towards myself rather than any potential partner.

[Rebecca_SJ]

Unfortunately, waiting is hard.