friendship troubles

[aims1202]

I know this question probably doesnt go in this section but not sure where to put it plus i thought i'd get some good answers here!
Not sure whats happened to me and one of my closest friends. We have been friends since school and always there for each other, share everything. i have two children my eldest is seven and she has always been 'auntie' and very close to him and she was my birth partner at my daughters birth 17mths ago. We always saw each other regularly. She got married a few years back and although we didnt see each other as much at first all was fine. She had a baby 8 months ago and gradually since then she seems to be distancing herself from us, well one minute she is and the next it all seems fine. I have cried many times because of the things she has done and just dont know what the matter is. I keep thinking i must have done something to upset her but cant think what and then we see each other and it all seems normal. She just makes me feel as though she doesnt want to see us and never really contacts me anymore. when i do see her its often very brief. I gave her lots of baby clothes before her boy was born, she'd said she loved some of them and when he was born she came round with them all saying she didnt want them and hadnt even looked at them. I offered to help in anyway i could when he was newborn but all was refused. I have been so upset about all this because its just so different, i know relationships change when you have children but i really thought and she made me feel before she had hers that we would share the experience and we'd do mummy and baby things together, especially as my daughter is just 9mths older than her son, i thought we'd see each other more as we are both stay at home mums. I recently tried arranging to meet up once a fortnight but she said no. i keep thinking next time i speak to her i'll tell her how i feel and if there is anything wrong but i never can.
Any advice would be appreciated

[4getmenot]

No one on here can really give advice as we only have your side and dont know whats going on in your freinds head. I say just talk to her and tell her exactly as you have put on here. Hope you can sort it out xxx

[sara3]

you have to ask her "have I done something wrong?" it's not fair that she's behaving like this. if you're too scared of a confrontation, email her.

but.. prepare yourself, you may not like the answer. she may have just changed, people move on. it's tough but if she's not a good friend to you any more it may be easier to let her go.

[boxtops]

You are right that relationships change and perhaps she too feels different now she has a full-time baby to look after. Friendships do move on, it sounds as if you are grieving for the loss of your friendship and that is painful. We can't diagnose what's going on here, perhaps you will just have to accept that she's moved on and her priorities have changed. If you've tried to helop with the new baby and tried to arrange meetings but she's declined then it sounds like she's already telling you that your good friendship has run out of steam and she's moving on. As sara says this is painful to realise - but it happens.

[aims1202]

thanks, you may be right but i dont know because she will do little things that make me think she does still want us to be friends. She used to always come and see my son around his birthday, spend some time with him and give him a present, this year she posted him a really lovely present that she knew he would love, and he did. It was so lovely of her but also strange she didnt come to see him, she hasnt seem him since xmas as the last couple of times i've seen her he's been at school. he is missing her and asks me why we havent seen her. I did think that maybe she didnt want to be friends anymore but she will eventually contact me if i dont. and when we speak its as if its all the same, we can chat for ages. thats why i am so confused. i think if she told me she didnt want to be friends anymore i would be devastated and grieve but eventually i would move on, it feels worse like it is now.
when i asked her about meeting up every fortnight i actually sent an email saying how i missed her a lot and so did the kids and that i'd love to see her and her boy more, i thought that by arranging something regular it would make it easier for both of us and if we couldnt make it it would be fine, but she replied saying she did want to see us more but couldnt commit to anything. i guess i just need to get it out as i havent talked to anyone about it, thanks for your replies

[karenmac60]

Is there a chance she has Post Natal Depression? It could explain her becoming more isloated, and maybe she feels ashamed that she isn't coping very well with one baby when you have managed with 2. Having had depression I know that your view on things can become very warped and maybe she feels that you will think badly of her or that she isn't a good mum so she's steering clear of you. Can you talk to her partner and just say you haven't seen much of your friend, you're concerned that you may have done something and is she ok? If it is PND then all you can do is try to be there for her when she needs you.

[aims1202]

I have thought about that but she doesnt appear to be isolated or unhappy, she is actually quite busy most of the time and i think she see's other friends. She says she is enjoying being a mum so much and doesnt want to go back to work at all. It feels as though she is often too busy to fit us in. I am also busy and have other friends but i make time for my friends because i want to see them and i make time for her too. I could be wrong and she could be depressed and just be hiding it well
Its strange but since writing this on here i actually feel a lot better. I would still love to see her more but for some reason i'm not quite as upset as i was. I can now think a bit more clearly and i know i have to say something. I will ask her how she is first and find out if things are ok but i have to tell her how i feel.
Thanks so much for your answers

[carmalee]

Aims - have to say you've written lots about the problem on this thread to (virtual) strangers - seems to me you should be talking to your friend - that's what real mates do. Good luck