help me write a polite email!

[sara3]

please help! I have a very long-standing friend who has lived abroad for many years. she has asked me over several times, but I have always declined because whenever I've seen her with her husband and child (now a grown up) there are always rows between them, the noise level is horrendous and I don't deal with that level of bad atmosphere well. "volatile" is probably a good word. and I like peace and tranquility.

when she comes over here she has made the most pointed of remarks about it (which doesn't tempt me to change my mind), but I know she is hurt that I've never been out to visit her, and I do feel a bit bad about it.

now she has sent me an email and has ranted at me about this and I feel I should tell her the truth, but don't know how to word it without really upsetting her (which will come back at me as anger, which I won't be able to deal with!). HELP!!

[squarebear]

Why not just be honest and tell her?

I would love to come over but you are always shouting at each other and I don't like watching my friends falling out with each other.

[Bbbananas]

Yup - that's a good start.

[NoMercy]

Just explain that you are always mindful of the tense atmosphere and feel that your presence in their home would only serve to exacerbate the situation. She might not even be aware of how bad things are...

[sara3]

I know, I started writing an email and was trying to think of the least hurtful way of saying it. she can be a bit.. sensitive!

[sara3]

well they've recently split. she moved into a 2 bed flat and I immediately offered to go out, but she ignored my email for a month, then replied saying I'd not been supportive over her break up.

and I though I had been!

[annie0000]

I really enjoy your company as individuals and I do like you both, but I find that when you are together you seem to row a lot and I find that quite uncomfortable as I don't like to see you falling out. I would feel caught up in it all if I came to stay and at least when you are here, I have other places I can be, if I stay at yours, I would feel trapped by it.

I really don't want to offend you or end our friendship - maybe we could work out some way that I could visit you but also have my own space?

[4getmenot]

doesnt sound like a friend I could be doing with, she needs to be able to take the truth. also hate people that argue infront of children or infront of guests for that matter. If she gets sensitive just put it more on yourself (not that you should) say that you havent visited because you feel you get in the way and cause their arguing and it makes you feel uneasy

[annie0000]

Oh, they've split up now - well thats my suggestion out the window!

[4getmenot]

sorry I;m confused you knew they had split up so why are you wanting an excuse, there wont be arguing will there?

[annie0000]

On third thoughts, she sounds a bit of a cow, what do you actually get from this friendship? ditch her - lol

[sara3]

lol, sorry.. didn't want to write War and Peace in the first post!

she is my longest-standing friend (our parents threw us together from baby-hood!) but not my closest. we're not alike in any way and have fallen out before as I find her wanting lots of support (mine is never enough though), whilst offering very little.

they split, I offered to go out there. she ignored me but put up new photos of another UK friend she had out there (which is fine), she then sent a slightly stroppy reply. she is coming over next week and wants to meet but I feel I need to clear the air and get it "out there" so she can deal with it, or not, before I see her (or not!).

[sara3]

sorry.. the photos were on Facebook, which I have currently "flounced" from!

[jackthehat]

How about making something from this ?

Dear XXXXX,
You must know how sorry I am that you and ????? have parted, and if you feel that I haven’t been as supportive of you as you would like, I can only apologise and promise to try to be a better friend, in future.
For some while now, as an outsider, it has been obvious that you and ????? have not been completely happy together and I felt that my presence would only make a bad situation worse. I felt torn to see my friends* arguing so much and, if I’m honest, I stayed away so that I wouldn’t cause any greater problems. It was a helluva long way to travel to find myself stuck in the middle of a marriage breakdown and I felt I’d be neither use nor ornament and both of you would feel bad on my part !
I understand how difficult it has been for you to settle into your new apartment and hoped that you would take me up on my offer to visit sooner, but thought it best to leave you to sort out the practicalities before imposing myself.
Now that you are sorted, when do you want me to come and see you ?

* remember they may reconcile !!!

[ummmm]

And you gave me a paranoia attack in the process.

[sara3]

I'm sorry ummmm, I hadn't realised you were so fragile ;o)

jack, thanks.. that's the kind of thing I need (when I copy and paste I'll be sure to remove the XXXX, ??? **** and your name, lol) and . I'm also going to use NoM's word "tense", as that's the spot-on word I wanted.

thank you all x

[ummmm]

I'm not really....lol...I was concerned though that I might have pissed you off...

[jackthehat]

Happy to have helped..............:o)

[sara3]

ummmm, honestly.. sometimes I think it's me being a bit fragile. I don't get p***ed off with people I don't know in the real world, but the ones in my real world can be a pain in the @rse!

[merciasounds]

Sometimes things come to a natural end, perhaps this friendship has run it course

[ummmm]

Tell me about it....I'm living with 3 of them :-)